Hi all, thanks so much for your support. I wouldnt make it with out it. guess I'll try to update, it was a big weekend, and I'm afraid I'll forget stuff if I don't get it down. I am still terrified that H will go back to ow, as he has in the past, this will make bbu (big break up) #4 that I know of. I think that makes it all harder. Especially in light of the looming June 1 date. terror is almost the word for the way I feel right now.
so, to try to recap.... When I got home Thursday night, S told me he thought maybe H had been on the phone w/ow, that he'd come downstairs from our bedroom with a funny look on his face, but kind of a look like he'd "done something he knew needed to be done"?????? beats me, I just know that S is keenly observant. I had worn that snug pink sweater to work, and H noticed, as I was getting undressed, H actually told me I looked good in it...I said "I do?" and he said "yeah it makes your boobs look really big" and intiated ml....enthusiastically. Friday, I went with H to his out of town workshop. S got himself on the school bus like a trooper, bless his heart. H got up at 3:30 am that day, I got up at 4, it was a very tiring day...H was pretty quiet and subdued on the drive up, almost irritable and I thought kind of "angry" under the surface. H asked me to pick him up something for lunch and to bring it to the workshop, so I did that, and had located a park close by that I sat in and read that morning, so I took him there for an outdoor lunch. H seemed I thought distant the whole time....I decided to not worry about it, to be "as if" ....so I stayed pleasant and cheerful, but not "giddy". When we got home that evening, we were both "pooped"...at one point H asked if I was going to watch tv with him, I was so tired I wanted to go to bed, but I told him "sure, sounds great" and sat down with him in the family room. at one point, he said he appreciated me going with him, that he'd enjoyed my company and having lunch in the park...which was nice to hear considering how distant he'd been. then, as tired as he was, he intiated sex again....I think I might have hit on something with that pink sweater, I wore the darn thing that day also. Saturday was a shock to me. I worked to prepare myself all the last 1/2 of the week, because i knew it was ow's birthday, and I expected he would be with her no matter what. I was so anxious about it, that evidently i was swearing in my sleep, H asked me what I'd been cussing about early in the morning...I have no recollection of it at all, but evidently I started swearing when his alarm went off. He said his thought had been "well ok, if you want to be all pissed off"... He didnt go to see her for her birthday, he was home all day. this is the first time he has been home on a Saturday morning since the first of November, which I now know after finding the emails is when he got back together with her the last time. He lifted weights, talked about that he was having a tough time and that it would take him some time to get back to himself. We went to church, watched a movie in the evening...no ml Saturday. I braced myself for him to be gone on Sunday since he wasnt on Saturday, but he wasnt. he commented that he wished we were going on vacation this year at our regular time, so he would have it to look forward to...(it would usually be in 2 or 3 weeks). I told him I thought we needed to plan some fun things to do between now and then. He didnt go to ow's yesterday, he was home again all day. in the morning he started to initiate sex, but couldnt perform, and was angry and upset. I decided to be a little adventureous and take matters into my own hands, and it worked...he even told me "thank you" later. H took 2 walks yesterday, and lifted weights. When he came upstairs from lifting, I was in the kitchen fixing desert. He came up behind me, put his arms around me and his hands in a place that used to aggravate me, then just rubbed them up and down my sides, and pulled me backwards against him, kissed my neck, and said "I love you so much"....and held me for a minute pulled back against him. I almost started crying. He suggested on his own that he grill steaks for lunch. I took him out a beer and sat to talk while he did it. We talked about screening in part of the porch, and h asked "what shall we do with the floor, should we paint or stain it"...so it struck me that he seemed more interested in "home"...in the evening we watched another movie, went to bed a little early and snuggled...no sex, just nice snuggles. This morning before he left, he was kissing me goodbye, and again said "I love you so much"....
I hadnt heard from him at 10, so i sent him an email telling him I was thinking of him, and I got this back:
Quote: Thanks for the e-mail, it is nice to see. I'm sorry that I'm kind of out there these days. I am having a hard time with the grief thing. However, you can rest assured that the other relationship has been dealt with and that it is over for good. It would seem God's hand was in that. Funny, D (ow) had even prayed about this deal looking for a sign, seems that the answer was definitive for all of us. Any way, in a while when I'm back up to par, we can focus on a really good relationship and I'm looking forward to that. We'll have to make sure we plan some fun things. Maybe even fix the 5th wheel up? We could look at doing some tent camping other wise, maybe at CG Lake? Well, I'd better get back to work. Later D
So, I'm hoping and praying that this is IT. I truly don't know how much more I have in me to deal with them getting back together again, even if H and I would seperate.
H is different somehow this time than he has been before though. I dont know how to explain or describe it, but something is different.
I'm praying that I will have God's guidance in putting this back together, (and of course that now we can truely do that ). I know I'm going to have to find the strength to really let go of all of this. That feels big, but I also know that if H is truly committed and working with me, it will help a lot.
