SSM made me laugh and cry. After reading SSM, I am now questioning some foundational truths that I have about the who and what and why of my relationship. Other philosophies of the book I adopted without any thought because they were so near or exactly like my own.
I found the book an incredibly easy read, meaning that it wasn’t bogged down with jargon, nor was it boring. Even in the descriptions of feelings where I just could not personally relate (LD), I saw the truth in the words because they described H’s behavioral pattern. Now, I have some logic behind the madness, so to speak.
H told me in our Thursday night discussion that I needed to take the initiative. “I might not have a high sex drive, but I am still a guy. It’s the guy rule that if something goes up; we’ve got to act on that something.”
Not the same words as Michele, but what was he describing?
I take that to mean that it's not that he doesn't want you...it's that he's the type of man who needs your help to get him to the actual "desire & wanna do something about it" phase of things...in other words arousal = desire, Michelle does talk about this.
My H is this way...but he's working on understanding this and doing things conciously that he knows will lead to arousal for him, so I'm not always the one having to initiate and get the ball rolling.
I wasn't sure how much I could talk about the ins and outs of the book. If I could give away the principles like that, thus the question. Is it okay to talk in depth about the book?
Are you talking about talking about the book with your H? If so....talk about what YOU want to talk about. If you want to ask a question about him being an arousal=desire type of person then ask...I've asked my H questions like that....I would however avoid telling him you think he's this, ask him if he feels like that could apply to him.
A HUGE mistake I made was not asking my H the questions that I needed answers to....we wasted a lot of time because I pussy-footed around. My H certainly wasn't going to come to me and suddenly start up a conversation about this big white elephant in our M...so it was up to me.
If he's read the book and you want to talk about it...then do it; he's not likely to start up a conversation like that now is he?
H has asked me not to ask him for sex anymore verbally because it embarrasses him. I’m just supposed to initiate physically and only at night. He said that my little “How about some nookie tonight?” makes him uncomfortable. He said that any sex talk makes him uncomfortable and he would prefer if I just didn’t bring it up.
I’m a bit frustrated with this. Fine, I’ll initiate physically, but we can’t talk about it.
So, what the hell am I supposed to do now? Yea, we’re making love. That’s all fine and I’m very grateful to have a sex life again, but I’d like to share it verbally with him also.
Part of me says to leave it alone, be grateful for what I have. But I really want to know his thoughts on all of this.
Quote: H has asked me not to ask him for sex anymore verbally because it embarrasses him. I’m just supposed to initiate physically and only at night. He said that my little “How about some nookie tonight?” makes him uncomfortable. He said that any sex talk makes him uncomfortable and he would prefer if I just didn’t bring it up.
So, don't talk to him about sex. Talk to him about the feelings he has when you start talking about sex. This is central to your and his problem. I hope that talking about feelings isn't off limits yet. For his sake as well as yours.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
So, you're saying that it's my wording? So, instead of asking him if he's been enjoying himself in the sack the last few days, I ask if he feels there's been a change to the good in our relationship?
Quote: So, instead of asking him if he's been enjoying himself in the sack the last few days...
This kind of question is kind of leading. He'll say "Of course!"
Quote: ...I ask if he feels there's been a change to the good in our relationship?
This is a good direction, but it's a little general.
What I meant was that the fact that he does not want to talk about sex is interesting for its own sake. You could make some educated guesses as to why, but you want him to think it through himself. Maybe something like this:
"You said the other day that talking about sex made you uncomfortable. Why is that? What feelings are you having when I bring up sex?"
You see how those are specific questions about his feelings? The main idea is not for you to find out about his feelings, it's for him to find out about his own feelings. Once he gets them out in the open, he might find out that they are not that awful and you won't run screaming from him.
I'm guessing that he is feeling lots of shame and guilt, feelings of inadequacy. None of these are turn-ons. They are all really hard to talk about.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
