I don't know your H obviously, but I do know mine...mine in the past has initiate so subtly that I almost missed it and mistook it for mere affection....had I not really been looking for the initiation I wouldn't have seen it.
Is it possible something similar could have happened between you two...or is your H fairly bold when he initiates?
Is it possible something similar could have happened between you two...or is your H fairly bold when he initiates?
You know, I don't know. He's never iniated outside the bedroom that I am aware of. I thought that I knew when he initiated and it was pretty much the same. He turns toward me in bed so that we're face to face and starts rubbing me and curling into me - not a perfect description, but as close as I can get. He's not like a cat and that's sort of what I've described here.
I'm jotting this one down. This really bothers me. I hope that I haven't misconstrued some move as a come on instead of simple affection.
Quote: He’s got pictures of some and has asked me if I minded them. I don’t, nor do I care that he is in contact with some of his ex-girlfriends.
and
Quote: there are some people in my past that I still have contact with because I still care about them.
You and your H must be really secure with your M to be ok with the continued contact with old flames on both sides. My hat's off to ya, I don't think I could pull it off.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
I would really pay attention to what his physical contact with you could be trying to say. Perhaps you can ask him what his R's in the past were like....did the women dictate when they had sex? (this was the case with my H) Did they possibly put him down in the bedroom (my H also experienced this). Perhaps he wanted it more back then and was also told that was not normal...something yet again my H went through...to the point he learned to squealch it.
Now, this doesn't mean YOU have done this. And I know you stated that for a while things were pretty good...but here's something else to chew on. After my H and I married his behavior did a 180 on me...it was as if his mind went in to automatic defensive overdrive. He wasn't trying to hurt me...he was trying to prevent anyone treating him the way he had been treated repeatedly in the past....he wasn't even aware he was doing this. But, while in his defensive posture he was effectively pushing me away and out of his life....he truly didn't even know he was doing it. When it was pointed out to him in our C's office he almost broke down...I could see the pain in his eyes and it wasn't caused by what others had done to him, the pain was due to the realization of what he was doing to me.
My H is still very subtle about his advances...most of the time they could still easily be misconstrued but I have learned to ask and clarify....and in returned he is slowly learning it's ok to be more bold, and in fact...I want him to be bold.
You and your H must be really secure with your M to be ok with the continued contact with old flames on both sides. My hat's off to ya, I don't think I could pull it off.
I'm not a very jealous person. There's no reason to be with H. He was 36 when we married, had never married or even lived with a person before. And yet he chose me to share his life with. That in itself is a security.
I can't say that I have been that cavalier in past relationships. While I was never actively jealous, except in one relationship where I felt insecure the entire time I was with the guy (with reason), I don't think I would have condoned it.
I don't know why I feel so differently with H. I think maybe it's because we met in a time in our lives when we were mature enough to know what we wanted and old enough to both have histories. We're in our late 30s and early 40s and have been married for 4 years.
There is one woman in his life, an old "together when we aren't with someone else" girlfriend. She used to set my teeth on edge. I think it was because she always came when I was at work and never when I was home. There was a sneakiness about her. But then I had the opportunity to see them together. I know my hubby and know when he wants, and he treats her with a backhanded affection you treat a good friend. So, my teeth are no longer on edge when it comes to her.
I would really pay attention to what his physical contact with you could be trying to say.
I have to tell you that I'm not the best when it comes to subtle. There are times, even in the work environment, where I have been brought to the carpet and not even known it. It will eventually hit me later and I'll go back and make sure that I have it right.
So what do you think about me just asking him if I have ever rejected him? I don't think that this is something that I would ask immediately because he's going to deny it, if only for ego purposes, but eventually, as our trust level goes up and our ability to talk more opens... I'd like to ask.
It's been rather hectic around here the last few days. I've forgotten how much time it takes to actively work on a relationship. Not that I'm complaining...
SSM came in the mail. I started it on Friday afternoon. I've read it and have passed it on to H. He said that he will read it. Will wait and see.
In the meantime, we have had a couple of talks.
One talk happened Thursday night. H hadn't gotten his letter done and it was 10 minutes until midnight. I went and got ready for bed and then took my pillow to the couch. He asked me what was going on. I told him that I was serious. Sex might be happening now, but there was still the problem of 8 months that we needed to work through. The initial problem was still there.
He said that he didn't know what to write that wouldn't sound like a bitchfest. All that he wanted to complain about was the typical - help out more around the house. There was silence as I waited for him to continue and then he said, "Ask me any question."
I thought about it for a minute. Did I want to get to the meat of it, or did I want to build up to it. Then I just asked. "What was behind the 8 months of abstinence?"
Apparently, I had made the comment that it would be up to him to initiate, that I wasn’t going to anymore. I don’t remember that conversation exactly, but I could see myself saying that. Anyway, he said that it started with pure stubbornness. A kind of “Oh, you think so, huh? Well let’s see how you deal with it if I don’t initiate at all.” He said that it just sort of snowballed from there.
I’ll admit that my mouth was hanging open with shock. I was baffled, rather speechless, in fact. This whole thing was based on retaliation for some comment that I can imagine myself saying, but don’t actually remember saying? Anger was coming quick.
No, because there had been a steady decline. What about the once a month period? I asked him about that.
He kind of sighed and leaned back against the couch. “It’s just that I don’t really think about sex all that much. Two weeks really doesn’t mean anything to me. And if two weeks go by, and you don’t say anything, what’s another day and another day? And then you just stopped asking for it.”
This didn’t sit well with me. In other words, he doesn’t want to have sex with me. The only time he will do anything about it is when I ask. And it won’t be because he wants it, but because I want it. I didn’t say this to him, it was just going through my head.
We kind of sat there in silence for a few minutes. I didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t sound critical.
“Why’d you stop asking?” He finally asked me.
I had to laugh. “Probably because I said that I wouldn’t ask anymore.”
And then I expounded on this. I told him that I always thought that I wanted him more than he wanted me. “That’s not true.” He interrupted, and I told him that I agree now. I have learned that we just have different drives (And since reading the book, I have learned more).
“But, if possible, put yourself in my shoes for a minute.” I said. “I know that I have a stronger sex drive than you do. I have always been aware of this at some level – even when we were making love every night.
“And because I know that I have a stronger sex drive, I know that I have to be careful not to push that need onto you. So, I didn’t voice it every time that I wanted to make love.”
“Just every other time, right?” He laughed.
I paused for a minute and asked myself if I wanted him to know just how much I wanted to have sex. Would this scare him away? Unintentionally place some demand on him? “Nope, not even that often.” I finally answered, prepared to let it drop there.
“Well, how often do you want it?” He asked. I could hear the exasperation in his voice.
I looked away from him and said lightly, trying to keep any need from my voice, acting as if I were talking about the weather. “I could make love morning, noon and night, if you were willing.”
Women, you know how, when you drop a bombshell, you’ve got to peek up to see his reaction? Well, I did and I started to giggle. I couldn’t help it. His mouth had dropped open. His eyes were bugged and he was more than a bit pale. After a few seconds he seemed to snap out of it and he sagged against the back of the couch. And he began to mumble. “I can’t do that. I don’t think it’s physically possible for me to do that.”
The tears were quick to come to my eyes. Not from sadness, but from happiness. I have never loved anyone, not even my children, more than I loved that man in that moment. I crawled into his lap (something that I haven’t done in ages) and hugged him. “I don’t expect you to.”
Have to get the baby a bath as that’s now one of my jobs on the weekend. Will try to write about our second conversation later on this evening.
and that's sort of what I've described here.