Quote: I couldn't trust myself to not bring anger into the conversation, so I wrote a letter to him and then read it to him
ME1967, my hat is off to you for doing something so bold to get your M back on track. I would suspect others here on the BB wish they could work with their partner that had an attitude and skills like you have.
ME1967, my hat is off to you for doing something so bold to get your M back on track. I would suspect others here on the BB wish they could work with their partner that had an attitude and skills like you have.
Skill, huh? :tongue in cheek: It's called desperation and determination. I have decided that I will do anything within my power to save this marriage. And will do it for purely selfish reasons. I value him in my life.
I have sent H an email with the following questions. Just to clarify, he has asked that they be written to start with so that he has time to think without me standing there tapping my foot.
Quote:
1. Do you resent last night? Do you feel that you were forced to perform? 2. In past relationships, was there ever a complaint on frequency? 3. Would you be willing to set a schedule for making love? If so, what is a attainable schedule for you to stick to? 4. What do I do to make you feel valued and loved? If you know, what else would you like me to do? 5. What do I do that makes you feel unvalued and unloved?
Quote: Skill, huh? :tongue in cheek: It's called desperation and determination.
ME1967. I bet most of the guys/gals here on the BB would like to work with our own W/H the way you are working with your H. You are a quick case study. Earlier posts by others about not sounding demanding, complaining, or accusing apply.
Quote: And will do it for purely selfish reasons.
I guess I have to be more selfish, desperate, and determined.
Quote: OK, men... maybe I need to ask you then. Why would you rather masturbate than make love? I realize that we all do it, and it fulfills a base need, but it's incredibly lonely and unfulfilling next to the real thing.
As I have experienced so much rejection from the real thing and/or going through more hoops than a performing tiger, I can sure see why one would. I agree that the real thing is better...considering that the alternative is frustration.
Quote: And it cannot be fear of rejection. That’s my fear, but not his as I don’t believe that I have ever rejected him.
ME, My husband is deathly afraid of rejection. I would even say irrationally afraid of it. There is no basis for this fear, as I could count on one hand the times I have rejected him for sex. He literally cannot stand the thought of being rejected and would just as soon not initiate at all--and face my wrath--than go through a possible rejection.
NOPkins had an idea that a schedule would work for a couple like us because it would take the scariness of initiation out of the picture. Someday we may actually be able to try this!
Quote: ME1967. I bet most of the guys/gals here on the BB would like to work with our own W/H the way you are working with your H. You are a quick case study. Earlier posts by others about not sounding demanding, complaining, or accusing apply.
I think that it might just be my personality. I am not a nagger by nature. I say things once and if it's not done, then I decide if I want to act on the fact that it wasn't done or just go on.
I also pick my battles. If I were to voice a complaint every time something didn't go the way I believed that it should go, I would be constantly harping and nagging. I would also be incredibly miserable.
But if I feel strongly about something, I will beat it to death. I may not repeat myself, but I'll find different ways to get my point across, and I can get very creative. I can't let it go, and will manipulate and connive until I feel that I've been heard or until I get what I want, depending on the circumstances.
I also set incredibly high expectations, not just for myself, but for those around me. While I do not expect perfection, I expect effort and a lot of it. But I do not expect more than I am prepared to give.
I manage people for a living. Without meaning to sound vain, I know that I am one of the more popular managers at work simply because I mean what I say and do what I say I will do. At work, I learned early that success comes from setting expectations out on the table and the consequences for not meeting those expectations.
I have the ability to size people up quickly and seem to instinctively know what buttons to push - what motivates a person, how to talk to them to get their buy in to perform to the company's or my expectations. Some call it manipulation - and yes, I'm a master at it.
Here's an example of what I mean:
When I wrote the letter above, I knew that there was no way in hell that I would stay in a relationship without sex if he were able to perform. I also know that as long as I love him, I would not seek sex outside the marriage.
I couldn't tell him that I required sex, because that gives an ultimatum, it backs him in a corner when he's already feeling defensive. I won't get what I want. But if I tell him that I do not require sex from him, but I will not live without sex, then I'm leaving the decision up to him - he will provide sex, or I will go elsewhere.
Manipulation or motivation? They're one in the same to me.
Quote: And it cannot be fear of rejection. That’s my fear, but not his as I don’t believe that I have ever rejected him.
Are you sure about that?
I'm 99% sure that I have never rejected him sexually. There is always the possibility that I rejected him in my sleep or did not wake up quickly enough that he thought that I was rejecting him. I don't have a clue if this is the case.
As for other parts of our lives - and I think that this is what you're getting at. Oh yea, I'm sure that I have rejected him. Neither of us is perfect, and we are two completely different people with two completely different thought processes. It is very possible that what I construed as constructive criticism was taken as rejection.
