OK, so I couldn't trust myself to not bring anger into the conversation, so I wrote a letter to him and then read it to him.

Quote:


First off, I need to tell you that I love you, but more importantly, that I like you. Even after four years of living together, I truly like who you are and on the whole, I enjoy living with you. I don’t know if this makes sense to you, but that’s very important to me.

At one point, even though I still loved xx ex xx (probably out of a sense of obligation), I couldn’t stand who he was. I didn’t want to be near him, couldn’t share the same bed with him, and pretty much detested everything he stood for.

So, it’s really important to me that I not only love you, but that I like you and for the most part want to be around you. I would miss you as a friend if something were to happen to us.

So how am I feeling right now and where do I stand?

Let’s talk about feelings first. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m confused. I feel unwanted, unloved and very lonely. I feel isolated, resentful, vindictive and very insecure. I’m scared and in some ways, I feel defensive and untrusting.

I’m angry because somehow you have let me down.

You were so perfect, H. You were attentive and affectionate without being clingy and needy. You were able to give me space and not take offense if I needed to step back. Yet, you were always there when I just needed to be with someone who I loved. You didn’t expect endless chatter, could sit comfortably in silence and just seemed to enjoy my company. You seemed to listen and value my opinions when I did speak. And you shared yourself with me.

I’m not saying that all these things are gone, but those are the things that really attracted me to you.

I don’t know if you remember, but before we got married, I asked you to tell me that you loved me. I needed to hear it. I also told you that it wasn’t necessary for me to hear it often as long as I felt it.

And how did I feel it? I felt it every time you touched me. Every time you reached out to hold my hand. I felt it when you’d smile at me. The secret little pats and gropes in public. And although you don’t want to hear it, for the first two years of our relationship, I felt it almost every time we made love.

I hurt because not only do you not want me anymore, but the affection that I valued is gone also. I don’t think you understand how devastating it is for me that you don't want me. In my mind, if you don’t want me, you don’t love me. They’re one and the same. In the last couple of days, I’ve learned that that may not be so for you, so I'm trying to readjust my thinking, but affection is not sex.

I also resent the hell out of you. Because for all that you’re giving, you don’t really give of yourself. There’s always a wall there, a distance, and looking back, it’s always been there. But over the last couple of years, it has become more and more formidable. To me, you have become almost unapproachable.

So, where do I stand?

Something has got to change. We’re room mates and I don’t want to live with a room mate, I want a husband. This doesn’t necessarily mean sex. If you don’t want me anymore, then I can hardly expect sex from you.

But if you love me, I would appreciate the affection to return. The little things we shared that made my relationship with you different, than say, your relationship with xx a female friend of his xx. Is this making sense?


I will also tell you that I will not be content living a celibate life. Sex is something that I need. Nor do I think that it's fair that you ask me to be celibate just because you don't want me anymore but still might love me. I don't know how we will work that out, or what it would do to our relationship, but no matter how much I love you and how much I like living with you, I will not suppress that part of me any longer.

So that is where I am right now.




Afterward, I told him that I didn't want a response, not even an apology, that I was emotionally exhausted and going to bed.

He followed me to bed. We did our usual bedtime routine, chatting as if the letter had not existed. Chit chatted in bed like we typically do, and then he reached for me.

I burst into tears. I couldn't help it. I cried all over him. I think it hit him some them how much damage had been done because he was swallowing hard.

But I think what struck him more was that fact that for the first time in four years, I could not reach orgasm during foreplay. I finally had to tell him to stop trying.

Afterward, as he tucked me in beside him, he said, "It's a trust thing, isn't it?"

I just nodded. I didn't tell him that I think that it's more of a trust in myself versus him thing, because I want him to feel the weight of this for a bit. Maybe that's a bit cruel and vindictive, but I'm human.

Anyway, I know that this is only the beginning. I told him that I expected a letter from him by the 19th and sex didn't get him off the hook. He didn't have to read it to me, but he did have to open up the lines of communication.