I think (and anyone tell me if you think I'm off base here)...the point of this first conversation isn't necessarily to get him to do anything; it's to communicate how the lack of intimacy in your R is affecting YOU. Then you can build on what to do from there.
Perhaps ask him if he'd be willing to go to a couples counselor with you. However, I suggest if you do ask this...that you reinforce you want to make your M better and not validate a reason for leaving....that really helped me when it came to getting my H to a therapist with me....and THAT was the single best thing we could have done for our M.
Hi ME....Welcome to the board. I really do feel for you as I remember those early convos with my H as being incredibly difficult and scary. The one thing that stands out in my mind is that my H did not " get it" until he saw how serious the issue was for me. You do take a risk, and you are jeopardizing the family, but you begin to realize that it is really okay...okay to be a person who has needs and who has limits. It's an important growth experience, whatever the outcome, and the amazing thing that happens is something Honeypot talked about...you begin to see how you have sold yourself out and how truly bad you were feeling about yourself.
I hope things turn out well for you...recognize that there may be a long road ahead.
Don't put it off. He may or may not be willing to read the book...don't count on the fact that he will; if he does WONDERFUL! But don't look for reasons to put off this conversation. As NIKE says...."Just do it!"
OK, H took son to the doctor's this morning for his 3 year check up and they just got home. He came in quiet, wouldn't meet my eye.
I asked if son was healthy and it was like I had let him off the hook. I got an in depth commentary about their entire morning, starting with going to the bakery for bread to lunch with his mother. He was talking so fast that I could barely keep up with what he was saying, much less get a word in.
Now he's gone to fill a perscription. Out the door like lightening.
I have to chortle. I'm sorry, but it feels good to see him two stepping to stay out of a serious discussion. At least I know that I'm not alone with being scared to death. And, it might be hopeful, but the fact that he's scared means that he does care, doesn't it? If he really didn't give a hoot, he would have acted as if there had been no email, right?
Quote: OK, men... maybe I need to ask you then. Why would you rather masturbate than make love.........it cannot be fear of rejection......I don’t believe that I have ever rejected him.
Sorry ME1967. I am HD too and really can't answer all of your question. I would like real, in the flesh sex any day over MB'ing.
The first thing that did come to mind was he might be depressed or feel less valuable as a partner now, than at one time.
How about asking him? There are too many potential reasons to come up with and 90% might be wrong.
You might say, Hon, you know "we" don't do much/anything in the bedroom but sleep. We used to have sex X times a month when we were (________). I am missing the emotional and physical connection we had at that time. I really miss it because I am starting to feel/do __________. Do you have sexual urges too? What do you do with those feelings. What do you think we could work out so I feel more like a wife instead of a room mate?
I'm sure he does love you...but lets face it we'd all pretty much rather scratch our own eyes out than have a discussion with our spouse that would make us vulnerable.
I used to get so nervous talking to my H that my voice would shake...he of course, would give me one word responses. That's why it's so important to have these discussions continually...so you both can stop being uncomfortable about it. My H is now getting to the point where he's initiating some R conversations with me, or volunteering more info when I ask a question. It just simply takes time, consistency & repitition.
Also, regarding your sexual activity w/him....tell him what you like. I've had to be very blunt w/my H about this...but now he does what he knows I like.
Don't be surprised if he won't read the book. many of the LD spouses here, including mine wouldn't read the book. Also, you might find you don't get overwhelming cooperation, especially at first. Here are the WWME guidelines for writing the love letter. Remember, concentrate on you, and your feelings. Dont' accuse, attack, unload etc, doing so will only shut him down. You'll probably need to do this many times over the course of several months. When I first came here, someone here said expect it to take at least a month for every year you've been married. I think that is probably a minimum time, assuming you do everything perfectly. Remember, we're all behind you here.
Welcome to the BB, ME. We all are in the business of trying to improve our respective marriages. I am a former LDW. I can see both HD and LD POVs and I must say that either side of the issue is not a day at the beach. People with a lack of desire feel broken when they feel unable to meet the needs of their loved one and people with an abundance feel unloved when their needs go unmet. You'll find the posters here supportive and wise. Good luck, ME.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
Quote: And, it might be hopeful, but the fact that he's scared means that he does care, doesn't it? If he really didn't give a hoot, he would have acted as if there had been no email, right?
Sounds like guilt to me but you will be best off if you can figure out how to express your hurt without coming off like Mommy busting him for being a bad boy. I wish I had handled the porn issue in a more direct but blase fashion. Something along the lines of "It's tempting/easy to escape into the world of sexual fantasy sometimes isn't it? Some of my favorite fantasies are x,y and z. However, fantasy isn't enough for me. One of the reasons I chose to marry you was because I wanted you for my partner in the real life sexual world. I have to tell you that you need to figure out how to come back to earth sexually if you have any interest in having a happy wife."
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Oh, I haven't even voiced the porn yet, so he doesn't know. This was just a reaction to the email that I sent him (posted in the beginning of the thread). There's no reason for him to feel guilty.
