That is, if you were addicted to porn, and you stopped using it, would you still consider yourself LD or not?
I read on another website that the majority of LDH's masturbate, setting them apart from the LDW's who don't have sex with their partner or without. With my LDH, it is not a matter of frequency anymore but rather his mindset and how he approaches sex. He told me last night that he doesn't feel horny until I show that I am horny. On an intellectual level, I get that. I can easily see how arousing it is to have someone pursue you and show their desire for you. He so far has failed to see that this is what I want for myself, also. I want him to show his desire FIRST, once in a while.
JustJenny: You think that being a househusband is contributing to this? That perhaps it's emasculating him? Maybe I also need to explain that we have purchased a 4 unit apartment building that we are converting to a single family dwelling – he’s doing most of it.
Maybe I’m in denial here, but I thought that this was what *he* wanted. And I have made it a point to give up all financial control, made sure that when I talk about money for some reason, I say “our” instead of “my”. But there has to be some truth here. Why does he not say anything when I put a couple of hundred on the credit card in retaliation? Except that maybe, I am not spending enough to hurt us… I don’t know, because I have totally cut myself off from the finances.
Why doesn’t he just say that he wants to go back to work? He has talked about what he wants to do after DS is in school and work has not been mentioned. And he knows that I brag continuously about him being a better houseparent than I was when I did it in a previous marriage with my daughter.
Anyway, this is one thing on my list to discuss.
As for porn, I’m already ahead of you. I check his browser history frequently. It’s possible that I have missed something, but what I see are home improvement boards, and a couple of news sites that he visits daily. Again, I could be in denial and will ask him. He doesn’t have any chat programs on his computer and his email out box is normal stuff to family and friends.
Another thing on my list to discuss, but I’m sure that he will deny it. And I can’t restrict his internet access like he was a child.
------------- I reread my post and I realize that I have managed to debunk everything you said, JJ. It’s not my intention, I’m listening and hearing and it’s making me nauseous.
While I am hardly the jealous type, if he’s jacking off to a fake woman that’s posted on the internet somewhere rather than making love to me, I’m going to hit the roof. While I might eat these words later, but I’d rather it be a live woman (with personality quirks and morning breathe) that I can compete with. I can’t compete with some airbrushed person that does not exist.
Not that I would want to compete with the other woman if she exists… I would much prefer to verbally castrate him, figuritively shove it where the sun don’t shine, and tell him to hit the road. But in my current mental strength, I know that I am probably not that strong.
When you do discuss your sex life, what is the content like? What ground do you cover and is he receptive to talking?
What does he say his preferred frequency is? What is yours? Have you ever talked about working towards something you can both live with?
I don't personally know any househusbands but the only one I knew years ago did NOT have a good R with his wife. It is unfortunate if that's the problem. I'm with Jenny..it sucks to say that as it offends my feminist sensibilities, but it may play into it.
What was your sex life like before he quit working?
P.S. I'm sorry if all this was covered in your original post, I'm skimmin today ( ) since I have a sick child and a teething baby.
FocusedFlutist: OK, no chasing, but I have to warn you all… I don’t have the patience to baby him through this. I know that my confrontation is going to make him uncomfortable, it’s going to make me uncomfortable too, but if he gives one iota about our relationship, then he needs to gird those unused loins and spit it out. Until it’s out in the open, I can’t do anything to fix it.
Mentally, I know that this is not about me, but emotionally, it’s all about me and what I’m doing or not doing.
But this can’t be the blame game here. I don’t want to hear how he feels taken advantage of, and I don’t want to say that I feel like a paycheck. That’s not what 8 months of celibacy is about. Can I start the conversation that way?
God, I need some verbiage. A script or something or I'm really going to screw this up and make it worse.
Quote: I reread my post and I realize that I have managed to debunk everything you said, JJ. It’s not my intention, I’m listening and hearing and it’s making me nauseous.
I hope I am wrong. I was literally nauseous also when I had to deal with the porn issue. I recommend fish oil tablets. The Omega 3s will keep you from getting into what would be an unfortunate yet understandable hysterical state over the issue. However, if you research male biology, it becomes pretty clear that men do not go 8 monthes without ejaculating unless there is something physically/hormonally wrong with them. If you don't want to directly confront him about the MB issue, you could just say "I've been researching male biology. It's really a sign of something wrong that you haven't ejaculated in the last 8 monthes. I thing you ought to see an endocrinologist.". That way he will either have to admit to MB rather than having sex with you or agree to see an endocrinologist or make it clear that he has no interest in resolving this problem no matter the effect on your relationship.
My househusband/LD connection theory was based solely on anecdotal evidence that there does seem to be a correlation between low drive in men and unemployment/underemployment/general lack of stereotypical male ambition. This may be a correlation rather than a cause/effect thing. Testosterone does make people feel more energetic and pro-active but being more pro-active and energized also increases testosterone levels. For instance, women who work out with weights have higher testosterone levels.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
We don’t discuss our sex life. It’s a taboo. While I have had no problem discussing sex with past partners, I can’t with him because he is so uncomfortable about it, it makes me uncomfortable.
This may be a bit graphic, but I’ll edit the post if I make an error here… When we did have sex, he was totally quiet. No sound, no quivering to tell me that I hit a spot that does it for him. It’s rather frustrating. I asked what he wants and he wouldn’t respond. He didn’t get hard until I actually manipulate his penis, or he’d already be hard when he initiated. The only time there is a difference is when he was close to orgasm and then his breathing changed. Otherwise total silence and no hints.
I’m not saying that he’s a board. He touches me. He moves. There were times that I felt somehow that it was more intense for him. Perhaps it was the pressure of his hands or something, I don’t know.
I’d say that his preferred frequency is none, based on his actions. Mine – hell, I’d like to say once a week would be enough, but I know that I could go again as soon as I caught my breath. That has never happened. One time and he won’t go up again.
There must have been some conversations, because I remember that he once told me that it was quality, not quantity that counted. I think that I snorted with disgust at that comment. Why can’t you have both?
He quit working 4 years ago. I would say that our sex life was fine until maybe two years ago. He had a vasectomy sometime in there because I can’t have more children and we don’t want more, but I can’t remember if that’s when it turned or if it was before then.
He may not speak up about being a discontented house-husband (or about anything else he may be unhappy about) for the same reasons you don't speak up about things. Perhaps he doesn't want to sound whiney, pehaps he doesn't want to sound like he's backing out of an "agreement"...perhaps he's not even aware of something that is bothering him.
Here's something to think about.....you ask why hasn't he said something to you if he's unhappy....well, why haven't you said something to him? Chances are IMHO, that you both are stumbling into the lackocommunication blues so many of us have found ourselves in.
I'm really glad to hear you are planning a conversation with him. Keep in mind though, that this is just the beginning of talking about your problems....you are going to have to have these conversations multiple times. So don't give up if you feel you aren't getting through or that you are hitting a stone wall...just keep trying.
Also something to think about....How long are you willing to continue on in your marriage in the state it is in? Are you willing to continue? It's a tough thing to think about, especially if you love your H. But it does help you to come up with boundaries & consequences. Your H is going to need to know that "IF" this problem isn't addressed and we both work on it that XYZ will happen. Naturally, that XYZ consequence is whatever YOU feel you can enforce for his lack of attention or action. Make sense?
OK, men... maybe I need to ask you then. Why would you rather masturbate than make love? I realize that we all do it, and it fulfills a base need, but it's incredibly lonely and unfulfilling next to the real thing. And it cannot be fear of rejection. That’s my fear, but not his as I don’t believe that I have ever rejected him.
You're going to have to drop that attitude to work through this. I know exactly where you are coming from...oh boy do I ever know where you are coming from. But IMO you just made it sound as if you will do all the talking and then it's up to him to do the work....that's not how this works (if that's what you meant).
So nope, don't start your conversation that way.
Start with how this lack of attention is making YOU feel...ignored, unloved, angry, sad...etc. Relate it back to you and how YOU feel.
And GOD do I understand how you feel!!!! Been there, done that!!! Went for 12 months without sex at one time myself; before I put my foot down with my H we had managed to ML 3 times in one year woooohoo! With him I literally had to tell him we had to do something or we wouldn't have another anniversary....BTW, we just celebrated our anniversary!
I suggest you let him know you two need to have a serious talk....and then lay it on the table for him. Try, try, try....not to get angry with him, that's likely to just shut him down. I know I stop listening if someone's yelling at me.
) since I have a sick child and a teething baby. 