One thing that I did not touch on in my initial post was the loneliness that I feel. The only thing that I can equate it with is the loss of a best friend, but somehow worse because I still see H every day; and I grieve continuously for what was and compare it to what is.
I don’t feel that I can reach out to him either physically or mentally anymore. For some reason, there is a lack of trust that I cannot explain. Is this making any sense? It’s not like he’s done anything, like have an affair. Maybe it’s simply that I have learned that he has the power to hurt me like no one else. And because he has that ability, I have backed away in order to protect myself.
But whatever it is, it has put a distance between us that’s more than sexual. It makes me incredibly sad. While I do not consider myself high maintenance (meaning needing constant verbal and physical affirmations that he loves me, needs me, etc.), there are times that I long to curl into him and beg him to make it better - much like a child with a scraped knee would a parent.
I have to laugh at the mental picture. H would pretty much freak if I were to melt into a puddle of emotions. And wouldn’t it be wonderful if a simple kiss would make it all better?
