191 days and counting... maybe that's how I should start each post - with the number of days since H and I have made love....
OK, I've been busy since my last post. I went and had a good cry first because writing it all down for others to read was rather cathartic. It feels as if a bit of the weight has lifted from my chest.
Secondly, I wrote H an email. I have found that if I want him to really hear me, I’ve got to send my thoughts to him in writing or he becomes so busy defending himself that he doesn’t really hear.
This is the gist of what I wrote:
Quote:
I have ordered a book – The Sex Starved Marriage. I would like both of us to read it as it’s been almost 8 months since we have made love.
Today, I found a forum and I have learned that Low Drive men do not equate love with sex. This is a relief. While I am not convinced that you love me, there is a sort of peace within me.
So, just so you know. I am dealing with the fact that you don’t want me anymore.
I’m trying to figure out if you love me.
I’m trying to decide if I love you enough to become/remain celibate.
I am dealing with my own decreased sexual self-confidence. I’ve allowed this to mess with me so much that I can’t have an orgasm anymore. This makes me angry with myself and makes me resent you more than I already do.
Just thought that I'd let you know.... and ask you to read the book after I do. If we continue this way, our marriage will end. In my eyes, you are no different than XXXXX - a man that I care about, but don't have sex with. How do you keep a marriage going with those feelings? I don't know. That's what I'm trying to figure out.
As always, I don't expect you to talk to me because you can't or won't talk about anything that has to do with real feelings, nor is this an ultimatum. I'd just like for you to give this some thought. And at least try with the book.
I feel it's only right to give a heads up if his world is going to be rocked...
One thing that I did not touch on in my initial post was the loneliness that I feel. The only thing that I can equate it with is the loss of a best friend, but somehow worse because I still see H every day; and I grieve continuously for what was and compare it to what is.
I don’t feel that I can reach out to him either physically or mentally anymore. For some reason, there is a lack of trust that I cannot explain. Is this making any sense? It’s not like he’s done anything, like have an affair. Maybe it’s simply that I have learned that he has the power to hurt me like no one else. And because he has that ability, I have backed away in order to protect myself.
But whatever it is, it has put a distance between us that’s more than sexual. It makes me incredibly sad. While I do not consider myself high maintenance (meaning needing constant verbal and physical affirmations that he loves me, needs me, etc.), there are times that I long to curl into him and beg him to make it better - much like a child with a scraped knee would a parent.
I have to laugh at the mental picture. H would pretty much freak if I were to melt into a puddle of emotions. And wouldn’t it be wonderful if a simple kiss would make it all better?
Listen and respond with more than "uh-huh" to what H is saying in our day to day, mundane discussions.
Quote: Although he has never complained, I know that it's got to annoy him that I barely acknowledge him when he talks about his day.
This will probably be the hardest. I find small talk tedius, especially when there are far more important topics that we could be hashing out. But I understand the need to share and to talk to an adult after a day with a 3 year old.
Touch him daily - whether it be fingers through his hair, holding his hand or a hug.
Quote: It's gotten to the point that I don't reach out to him anymore. I have forced myself to view him as a friend only because otherwise I can't think of anything else but that he doesn't want me anymore.
Perhaps this plays on him as well...
Initiate one conversation about our relationship per week.
Quote: We never have relationship conversations. I think it's time to start. He'll probably go running from the room the first couple of times, but I'll just follow him down to the basement...
I'll ditto what LP said on the other thread. Your story is sadly familiar to me. Especially the part about feeling like you're normally a person who doesn't have an especially high need for affirmation but this situation making you feel so needy in that way.
The other thing that is interesting to me is that your H is a househusband. Unfortunately, I must inform you that though deep in my feminist soul I wish this was an arrangement that worked, both instances of this that I've encountered in real life worked out terribly. My one real life friend who was in a SSM had a househusband who went completely LD on her. She ended up having an affair with a man she worked with and left him even though they had 3 small children. She did marry the guy she had the affair with and they were happy last I heard but I haven't kept in touch with her so I don't know the end of the story. The other househusband I knew became an alcoholic and let the children wander unattended around the neighborhood. The other thought I had about the fact that your H is home alone all day is that he is almost certainly "using" internet porn. This is the case with the majority of the LD men posting or posted about on this BB. I was almost able to deal with my H's low drive when I thought it was just due to depression or something similar. When I found out he was having sex with porn instead of me, I blew a gasket and joined this BB. Things have improved with my sich but there are still days that I feel like I must have been suffering from a peculiar form of mental illness to tolerate the situation for as long as I did and I wonder if I've managed to recover completely.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Like the others have said, your story sounds very familiar. If I had started posting here about 6 yrs ago, I could have written that post. And maybe then I would have gotten better results than I have now.
I'm afraid I have to echo what JJ said about porn. I too went for many years thinking my H's L - no - ND was due to depression, or something I said or did, or ate too much of ...'till I found the stash of porn in the closet and on the computer.
I wish I could tell you I've had good results. I'll just send wishes that you don't have to go through what I've been going through.
The goals sound good. I've been a stay at home parent from time to time, and even now spend most of my day (and all summer) with the kids, and I will tell you it is VERY important to one's sanity to touch base with adults once in a while!!! I became very resentful that H seemed to see me more as nurse-maid than W.
You probably will meet with a lot of resistance, at least in the beginning, and be sure to choose your words carefully, so that H doesn't feel that you're 'attacking' him. I think our LDH's have to fight the added stigma of going against what society 'expects' of them. One piece of advice about the talks. I wouldn't chase him if he runs away at first. He's heard what you said, let him stew in it a little. Then bring it up again the next day. Eventually, when he realizes you're serious, not attacking him, and he's had a chance to let it rattle in his head a bit, he should start coming round.
If there's one thing you should learn, if you haven't yet realized it: this is not about you. Of course, some of your actions or lack of action has contributed to your sitch, but it's not because you're somehow unattractive, or overweight, or angry or probably even because he doesn't love you. He's built up some strong walls, for whatever reason, and he's the only one who can break them down. Your job is to make sure he understands how important it is to you that he does break those walls down.
I've read through your posts and, like others, can so easily relate to what your experiencing. I too am married to an LD male.
I understand your feelings, anger, sadness, lack of sexual self confidence...and plummeting self-esteem. But there's something you must do....confront him and talk to him about this issue. You must tell him how this is affecting you, how you feel rejected and how that rejection affects you in many aspects of your life. My H never viewed what he was doing as rejection, he truly didn't realize he was rejecting me...that is not until I just bared my soul and told him no-holds-barred how I felt.
Did I miss a posting (or part of one) where you did mention you've told him how you feel? Because if you haven't communicated this to him yet I will tell you this....you will not be able to work through this without communicating clearly with him....it's an absolute must. Communication between the two spouses is often the underlying issue.
I'm sorry to see you here...but as others have said, you aren't alone...so many of us know what you are going through. We're here to support you, give you ideas, give advice...and yes, sometimes to give each other a good swift kick in the pants when we need it Right now what I feel you need is simply a place to start.....talk to him.
I hope you report on his response to your email. Chances are, it won't be pretty, but I salute you for your forthrightness.
One thing: It's hard to think of it in terms of "do I love him/her enough to turn celibate." The answer often depends on if he/she pissed you off that day/week/month.
ME, welcome to the forum. In addition to reading SSM, I would recommend that you read Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch. Read some archives in this forum, if you can find the time. There have been many wise and articulate people to grace this place, and many success stories hidden among the frustration, anger and pain here.
I identify with every emotion you have expressed. I too lived in a SSM where we often went months without any physical contact. We have made a lot of progress in my marriage, my H and I have put in a lot of hard work and it is paying off. He now knows how important this is to me, and is willing to put in the effort necessary to sustain our relationship. Ditto from my side. I am happy to report that we now have a regular, passionate and varied love life, but more importantly, we have a loving, giving and healthy relationship.
You have stated many times in your original post that you don’t communicate your desires or your unhappiness to him, because you want to be wanted. You may want to rethink your stance on this. Read PM, it will help you understand the dynamics at play here, and give you ways of working through your feelings.
Good luck to you! I hope you will have the strength to make the necessary paradigm shift in your own thinking, as well draw boundaries for your H.
ME, see what I mean? There are some really smart, kind people here who know exactly what you are going through. I also want to recomment another book: Undefended Love, by Psaris and Lyons.
ME-- I thought I'd stop in to say, "hang tough" with your husband. Us guys are not the quickest to catch on to what you're feeling. I'm a LDH...or was when S was an option. I was addicted to MB and looked at internet porn. I didn't think there was a problem. I had convinced myself that ML to my wife was too much of a chore. And, in my mental state, it sometimes was. There was a LOT of background noise in my head that made ML into work. Throw into that a dose of CSA that caused me to be afraid of hurting someone I love with S...and the SHOCK of discovering that during my first official performance on our wedding night. It led to 13 years of some of the same behaviors I see from your H. I'm not saying that all LDM have these issues, but these are good things to explore.
I've decided that it's my purpose in life to speak out about these issues. I'm losing my M because of it. I don't want to see others do the same. I made mistakes...BIG mistakes in my S relationship with my W. Try to convince your H to see a counselor. Test the waters to see what back issues exist that could cause him to act the way he does.
Most importantly, try to understand that to be "that" guy...with a LD...is something that torments us too. It's not something you can talk about with your buddies. You know something's wrong but you're too embarrassed to address it...even with the person you love. So, you seek easy options that don't involve others...MB was mine (as well as a couple of other LDH's I'm friends with on this BB).
You did the right thing by writing and email to your H. It sometimes takes that "frying pan" to the head to make us wake up...and seeing these things in writing give us time to REALLY digest it. Like your H, I never really HEARD my wife when she tried explaining how she felt because I was too busy trying to figure what my defense was going to be.
Sorry for the long post. This just REALLY hit home for me. ME you are doing many good things...I just wanted to provide perspective from a LDH. The help you get on this BB is AMAZING from GEL, JJ, FF and many others.
...'till I found the stash of porn in the closet and on the computer.