So much of what you say strikes a cord with me. It seems like your W's heart is saying one thing and her head is saying quite another. The same with my W. Somehow, since our W's are the types that have academic training and leanings they think that they should go with their heads rather than their hearts. In fact, my W has explicitly said that she has been trying to "think" her way out of this problem. This is extremely difficult to do for anyone and perhaps it will take them longer to turn around.
I am sure that it is extremely perplexing how to handle your S5 (he sounds like a lot of fun and very creative about getting you guys back together). On the one hand, you want him to have hope, on the other hand you dont want him to have false hope. But, in connection to the above remarks on heart vs head, it seems to me that your S5's comments break into your W's heart as well as head. It is a dilemma, because one wants not to have children stuck in the middle of this, but they are the thread that holds a family together in these conditions.
Specific comments reagrding some of yours: "She has less time for work now." - same with my W. In fact, since she moved out she has focusses less on work. It seems like before the separation, she was actually using work to address her pain. In some ways I feel that my W was unable to balance three responsibilities - work, marriage and child. I also think that there was a crisis of confidence at some point where she was not sure she could pull off all three - she was overwhelmed and she admitted as much to me at one point. Now, unfortunately at the point where Hiroshima happened in '03 our marriage had experienced many stresses, so she decided to jettison that ballast to get some lift.
"W told him she had tried to get back together before and that it "didn't work." "- Funny, my W told me that she has done this for the past two years (since separation) and that it has not worked for her either. All crap, ther has been no trying on her part unless participating in a roller-coaster, pursuit-distancing dynamic is considered trying. They just like to tell themselves this to salve their conscience. Guilt is a huge part of the WAW mind.
"Now I really feel like a redneck, listening to country riding in a red truck!"- It's amazing how much my W, who comes from a rural background, tries to get away from any vestiges of that image. Although, after she dropped the bomb on me, she went berserk buying up all the country records (classic country, not the current pseudo-pop-rock-whatever-country) she could get her hands on. I think it is a low self-esteem thing about my W, she is not comfortable with her roots.
I hope you and your S have fun riding green horses and unicorns in NM.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
