Kids are smart. S5 figured out very quickly that W is the WAS and that I'm pro-M. I think it is apparent thru action and attitude. He also has commented on how W is 'sad' and 'angry', and notes that I'm 'happy.' I imagine you're kids likely know your sitch as well.
Going against the politically correct pro-D movement, I decided to not fall on the sword so to speak, and take blame for having 'chosen' D alongside W. That is W's choice, and I'll let her take the heat for it. I just chose not to destroy all of us by battling her D.
I have told S5 that I have hurt Mommy's feelings in the past and I've made mistakes, and that I am doing my best to be a good man and to not hurt her anymore. At his level, we talked about how a person apologizes to the person they've hurt, how the other accepts the apology, and how they put it behind them and then move on. I think accepting 50% of the responsibility for an M's problems, but allowing the WAS to sit with the choice of D is just fine. S5 has commented how W doesn't apologize or admit fault or forget hurt - to him or me. I can't help her there - she's painting herself in his eyes.
IMHO, with D, kids may choose sides, blame one or another for abit, but as they grow, they'll see things more complexly. Especially if we don't badmouth the WAS. I stay very positive about her, and don't say a thing about MIL/FIL.
My kids knew it was H's decision to go even though we never said, and they knew how devastated I was because they saw my depression.
From what I've seen they will side with H while they are at his house, and then side with me while they are at mine. I don't actually discuss it with them, but DD1 asked me what a divorce was once, so I told her and she said 'Don't ever get a divorce.' Yet apparently when she spoke to her dad, she told him she was glad we split up.
They do whatever they can to gain your love, and I personally wouldn't discuss it either way with S5. If you do reunite, great, but if you DON'T, he will be really upset.
Just say you are friends with mommy and leave it at that. Remember the zero expectation rule? Well, it's good for kids to have zero expectations in this circumstance as they can get just as hurt by backtracking.
Journaling Positives: - I survived another busy work week (only 2 more to go!) - I switched to free weights from machines for some muscle groups - ouch! Yet, much more progress. - Hit on by 3 diff women showing clear interest. Friendly banter back but I won't be furthering things. Nice PMA boost to have grown women act girly/flirty with me, tho. - Best of all, W showed interest/pursuit/kindness on 3 occasions. Hurray!
The last occasion was yesterday at S5's swim lesson. She had a package Jo sent me, noting "Not sure what THIS is" with that 'curiosity-killed-the-cat' look on her face. When she asked 'who's it from' I responded 'a friend.' Jo, not sure if she thinks I'm shaggin' an English-Greek GF , but it definitely triggered some feeling. She sat right next to me to talk, made lots of direct eye-contact, and seemed to be 'working' at connecting a lot harder than in the past. I complimented her description of her condo and her choices related to it, and she smiled. The old 'me' would have pointed out how much the house has appreciated and played devil's advocate with her decisions. I just kept things to myself and focused on attending/feeding her. Felt good for me. When she mentioned her family was up for dinner, I smiled and said 'I hope you have a nice time' triggering more smiles. It may be reassuring to see me non-defensive about her family.
At one point, we got up to watch S5 jump off the diving board, and I stood back a bit to experiment. W walked to the pool's edge, looked back for me and frowned. I walked up to stand next to her and she smiled and started chatting about S5 and other stuff. W seemed shocked when my outing with my Marine buddy came up, saying "You went out with 2 Marines?" She seems very curious, w/ some press yet not overly negative. Succesful GAL message, I think.
Walking them out to the car, I strapped S5 and experimented again, noting to W, "I love your hair today." She sat silent for a few sec, then exclaimed, "Mine?!" She has chestnut-colored, curly hair that is speckeled with gray now. I noted, "Your hair always looks beautiful natural." I meant non-colored, non-straightened. W beamed, brighter than I've seen before the D-bomb. We said good-byes, and I left.
Enjoying the progress this week. Both in myself and in the sitch.
I have S5 overnight tonight. May do an evening waterpark visit - fun! Then a 'guys' movie night at my place.
I had S5 overnight on Friday and until 5:30pm Sat. W continues to ask me to be with him more, putting in time at work herself. I sometimes wonder if this is her 'best case' outcome, with our R morphing from an effortful loving R that took time away from her career, to a colder, more distant R that took less time, to this - which involves so much less time for distant platonic interactions and the least distractions from work. My head tells me no - as her hands are much fuller parenting alone in the household, as I was a true equal partner in terms of chores and childcare in the M.She has less time for work now.
S5, a 6 yo buddy of his, and I went to a water park Fri night after W served us pizza at the house (2nd invited meal, hurray!). W declined to sit w/ us at the table, snacking at a counter. Seems really hesitant to allow any impressions of 'family' in some ways. Anyway, the boys were tired from space camp and whining/arguing. W asked at one point, "Are you sure you're up to this?" to which I responded, "Oh, it'll be fine once we get there." I herded the boys to my truck and we had a blast. It was threatening to rain, and did, but we were wet anyway, so when it started to downpour, we just screamed and hollered more in the wave pool. After dropping his little friend at his home, S5 and I spent the evening together, watching an old Star Wars movie, and snacking.
At night, S5 said that W told him she had tried to get back together before and that it "didn't work." He asked me, "Dad, did you try before?" I responded, "S5, I believe that families always are. We don't try to be one, we are one." Before he fell asleep, S5 told me about his convos with God, and noted s/t very insightful regarding the role of the Holy Spirit in our sitch. I was quieted by this, cause I'd received the same summary of our sitch via a consult with a spiritual priest/mentor. I reassured S5 generally about my love for him, then I lay deep in thought and prayer listening to him drift off to sleep.
I disappointed myself Sat as I felt impatient and irritated toward S5, who was acting out a bit while we went clothes shopping. I apolized to him later, and we enjoyed Mass together in a small town nearby before I dropped him off at home. W called twice on Sat to check in and seemed pleased at my getting him shoes and a watch.
I called to say goodnight to S5 in 2 hrs, and when he noted that he and W were 'camping' in the main room, W asked to speak to me and then told me about her new tent that she planned to use in Hawaii. I told her that it was good to see her camping again. After some hrs at work, I left to get Chinese food and watched another Star Wars episode while sipping 2 beers. W called just before midnight while I was cleaning up my kitchen area to tell me that she was suffering great eye pain. I usually have my phone turned off by then, as I allow few hrs for sleep and can't afford to be woken by wrong numbers - so it was fortunate that I was still up.
In our M, W has had great difficulty reading her body, and often waits til s/t dramatic occurs or great pain before seeking help. I probably have taken her to the ER once a year in our 11+ years together. As she had LASIK eye surgery just 9 mo ago, I told her that I'd call, and got her cleared for an ER visit. I drove W and S5 in my truck (W's first ride in it). When W noted "I didn't have anyone else to call, and I just can't see," I responded, "I'm so glad that you called me" and kept thanking her for reaching out to me each time she voiced apologies. Ae sat there for about 3.5 hrs before she was seen, with W frustrated within 2 hrs with the triage nature of care. The MDs suspected mere 'pink eye' and it turned out to be a tad more serious. I was able to be supportive, yet not let it be 'my' problem. There was pressure, and when W seemed to look to me to get her seen sooner, I felt a bit inept when the MD merely said "We're doing the best we can" regarding seeing folks based on acuity and arrival time. Yet, I did not snip at W, I did not ask her to go alone, and I was patient with her, and attentive. S5 and I came into her exam room to check on her after sitting in the reception area for 1.5 hrs. I noticed that she was cold, and despite her saying, "That's alright" unfolded a clean light sheet/blanket and wrapped it around her. She reclined on the bed when I suggested that she rest.
When S5 was 1 mo old, W had a misdiagnosed gallbladder problem that we thought was ulcers. I was an a$$ about it, and complained about her keeping me up every night, and let her go to the ER late at night once by herself. When she called crying to tell me that they wanted to pump her stomach full of a fluid then drain it out for a test, I was rather insensitive. W never really forgave me for that, seeing me as self-focused and as choosing S5 over her (not wanting our infant in a hospital setting). Hopefully, I helped to heal that wound a bit again last night.
On the road home, S5 was bright awake at 4am, and noted "Daddy, Mommy and son in the truck, a family back together!" I know he was near-giddy with sleepiness/fatigue, but I wanted to just nudge his little ribs then to get him to quiet. I just pointed out, "Yeah, you did want your mommy to ride in the truck, didn't you!"
I was playing country music, and W noted "Now I really feel like a redneck, listening to country riding in a red truck!" In the past, I would have jumped on that, showing offense for any derogatory description of anyone, but I let it slide, commenting on my liking the current song. When we got home, W thanked me 2-3 times, showed me her tent, and asked me to get S5 in his PJs again for bed. Both were exhausted, while I felt tired but okay. Thank goodness for GAL work - really seemed to help me thru this small crisis/test. Felt better able to be 'strong' for them than in the past, when I was doing so much less self-care.
W called today and noted that she and S5 had gone shopping for my upcoming BDay and Father's Day. She's shying away from anything "family" asking if it would be okay to give me cash for dinner out with S5 (not her). She passed the phone to S5, who visited a bit, and then said, "We're flying to NM, Mommy's flying to Hawaii. I wish we could all go together, don't you? (W bustling in background)." Gotta love him for his persistence, yet I worry about his getting hurt by this hope. I responded, "Yep, but this is what we have right now, little buddy, and we gotta make the best of it." I switched his focus to riding horses out in NM. When I asked what color horse he wanted to ride, he chose his favorite color: "Green!" That might be hard to arrange...
Working today, with a run tonight. Laundry intended for early this am will have to wait til early Monday.
Your S5 sounds like my 7 year old - she has been talking about us getting back together for 3 years now, even said to me that she wanted the court to force us to get back together.
It's painful, but I think you're doing the right thing, not raising his hopes.
Wow, weren't you a hero, taking her to ER like that!? If I was her, I would have racked up a few more points in your love bank.
Most women love being taken care of, even if they are independent.
I'm sorry to hear about her health problems, though.
Thanks for checking in on me. I want you to know that I think you've been a model in showing Christian love since your M went south. There are many times my sense of injustice just want to lash out at W, but I now have the ability to step back and allow peace to cover me.
I guess trhe struggle I'll have is the same one you have. How do we be loving while also moving forward with our ownb lives. And most important, how do we minimize the potentially crushing vulnerability of showing such love. One day at a time I guess. Be well.
You're always moving forward. When W won't look ahead, you keep going. You strike a tough balance between S5's hopeful exclamations and the need to protect his young feelings on this long road.
Showing a significant 180 by taking W to the ER was great. My W never forgave me letting her go to the ER in an ambulance while I stayed with the kids shortly after we moved in here. She almost died that night with a tubal preganancy and she continued to bring it up after many apologies, even in and after MC. I hope your W will let the anger go before it eats too deeply into her. Surely this will open her eyes to the ways you have grown.
Tell S5 I'd ride a green horse, too, if I could!
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
, but it definitely triggered some feeling. She sat right next to me to talk, made lots of direct eye-contact, and seemed to be 'working' at connecting a lot harder than in the past. I complimented her description of her condo and her choices related to it, and she smiled. The old 'me' would have pointed out how much the house has appreciated and played devil's advocate with her decisions. I just kept things to myself and focused on attending/feeding her. Felt good for me. When she mentioned her family was up for dinner, I smiled and said 'I hope you have a nice time' triggering more smiles. It may be reassuring to see me non-defensive about her family.
She seems very curious, w/ some press yet not overly negative. Succesful GAL message, I think.