I had S5 overnight on Friday and until 5:30pm Sat. W continues to ask me to be with him more, putting in time at work herself. I sometimes wonder if this is her 'best case' outcome, with our R morphing from an effortful loving R that took time away from her career, to a colder, more distant R that took less time, to this - which involves so much less time for distant platonic interactions and the least distractions from work. My head tells me no - as her hands are much fuller parenting alone in the household, as I was a true equal partner in terms of chores and childcare in the M.She has less time for work now.
S5, a 6 yo buddy of his, and I went to a water park Fri night after W served us pizza at the house (2nd invited meal, hurray!). W declined to sit w/ us at the table, snacking at a counter. Seems really hesitant to allow any impressions of 'family' in some ways. Anyway, the boys were tired from space camp and whining/arguing. W asked at one point, "Are you sure you're up to this?" to which I responded, "Oh, it'll be fine once we get there." I herded the boys to my truck and we had a blast. It was threatening to rain, and did, but we were wet anyway, so when it started to downpour, we just screamed and hollered more in the wave pool. After dropping his little friend at his home, S5 and I spent the evening together, watching an old Star Wars movie, and snacking.
At night, S5 said that W told him she had tried to get back together before and that it "didn't work." He asked me, "Dad, did you try before?" I responded, "S5, I believe that families always are. We don't try to be one, we are one." Before he fell asleep, S5 told me about his convos with God, and noted s/t very insightful regarding the role of the Holy Spirit in our sitch. I was quieted by this, cause I'd received the same summary of our sitch via a consult with a spiritual priest/mentor. I reassured S5 generally about my love for him, then I lay deep in thought and prayer listening to him drift off to sleep.
I disappointed myself Sat as I felt impatient and irritated toward S5, who was acting out a bit while we went clothes shopping. I apolized to him later, and we enjoyed Mass together in a small town nearby before I dropped him off at home. W called twice on Sat to check in and seemed pleased at my getting him shoes and a watch.
I called to say goodnight to S5 in 2 hrs, and when he noted that he and W were 'camping' in the main room, W asked to speak to me and then told me about her new tent that she planned to use in Hawaii. I told her that it was good to see her camping again. After some hrs at work, I left to get Chinese food and watched another Star Wars episode while sipping 2 beers. W called just before midnight while I was cleaning up my kitchen area to tell me that she was suffering great eye pain. I usually have my phone turned off by then, as I allow few hrs for sleep and can't afford to be woken by wrong numbers - so it was fortunate that I was still up.
In our M, W has had great difficulty reading her body, and often waits til s/t dramatic occurs or great pain before seeking help. I probably have taken her to the ER once a year in our 11+ years together. As she had LASIK eye surgery just 9 mo ago, I told her that I'd call, and got her cleared for an ER visit. I drove W and S5 in my truck (W's first ride in it). When W noted "I didn't have anyone else to call, and I just can't see," I responded, "I'm so glad that you called me" and kept thanking her for reaching out to me each time she voiced apologies. Ae sat there for about 3.5 hrs before she was seen, with W frustrated within 2 hrs with the triage nature of care. The MDs suspected mere 'pink eye' and it turned out to be a tad more serious. I was able to be supportive, yet not let it be 'my' problem. There was pressure, and when W seemed to look to me to get her seen sooner, I felt a bit inept when the MD merely said "We're doing the best we can" regarding seeing folks based on acuity and arrival time. Yet, I did not snip at W, I did not ask her to go alone, and I was patient with her, and attentive. S5 and I came into her exam room to check on her after sitting in the reception area for 1.5 hrs. I noticed that she was cold, and despite her saying, "That's alright" unfolded a clean light sheet/blanket and wrapped it around her. She reclined on the bed when I suggested that she rest.
When S5 was 1 mo old, W had a misdiagnosed gallbladder problem that we thought was ulcers. I was an a$$ about it, and complained about her keeping me up every night, and let her go to the ER late at night once by herself. When she called crying to tell me that they wanted to pump her stomach full of a fluid then drain it out for a test, I was rather insensitive. W never really forgave me for that, seeing me as self-focused and as choosing S5 over her (not wanting our infant in a hospital setting). Hopefully, I helped to heal that wound a bit again last night.
On the road home, S5 was bright awake at 4am, and noted "Daddy, Mommy and son in the truck, a family back together!" I know he was near-giddy with sleepiness/fatigue, but I wanted to just nudge his little ribs then to get him to quiet. I just pointed out, "Yeah, you did want your mommy to ride in the truck, didn't you!"
I was playing country music, and W noted "Now I really feel like a redneck, listening to country riding in a red truck!" In the past, I would have jumped on that, showing offense for any derogatory description of anyone, but I let it slide, commenting on my liking the current song. When we got home, W thanked me 2-3 times, showed me her tent, and asked me to get S5 in his PJs again for bed. Both were exhausted, while I felt tired but okay. Thank goodness for GAL work - really seemed to help me thru this small crisis/test. Felt better able to be 'strong' for them than in the past, when I was doing so much less self-care.
W called today and noted that she and S5 had gone shopping for my upcoming BDay and Father's Day. She's shying away from anything "family" asking if it would be okay to give me cash for dinner out with S5 (not her). She passed the phone to S5, who visited a bit, and then said, "We're flying to NM, Mommy's flying to Hawaii. I wish we could all go together, don't you? (W bustling in background)." Gotta love him for his persistence, yet I worry about his getting hurt by this hope. I responded, "Yep, but this is what we have right now, little buddy, and we gotta make the best of it." I switched his focus to riding horses out in NM. When I asked what color horse he wanted to ride, he chose his favorite color: "Green!" That might be hard to arrange...
Working today, with a run tonight. Laundry intended for early this am will have to wait til early Monday.
Gotta love him for his persistence, yet I worry about his getting hurt by this hope. I responded, "Yep, but this is what we have right now, little buddy, and we gotta make the best of it." I switched his focus to riding horses out in NM. When I asked what color horse he wanted to ride, he chose his favorite color: "Green!" That might be hard to arrange... 
