Looks like we cross-posted. Thanks for your input on my thread to my question. Yes, you are spot-on. I am wrestling with the question of R vs M. I really deeply love my W despite everything and amazingly enough she has the same gunk as your W about "evolved woman dont need no marriage thingy nohow" stuff. She also has a lot of self-esteem issues as she is now working in a place with very snooty ivy-league colleagues and she came from a modest background as did I. So, in a way, somehow I dont measure up to her more exalted colleagues (total crap, I can place myself next to anyone intellectually, I'm no Einstein, but not many of us are, most of us are somewhere in the bellcurve and beyond that it is all motivation and hard work and such).
Improving ourselves and being happy and thankful for what we have is all we can do. And it ain't too bad, really. I was watching this TV movie on McCain's life, 5 years in the Hanoi Hilton. Jeez, what a man he is, not bitter or negative to this day. I love that guy!
Take care. Thanks for everything.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Gabriel, I am hear to say I am so sorry for the way I reacted the other day. I know you were trying to help me, but because of my ignorance I took it the wrong way. I can see the light today, ei I understand why you were saying what you were saying.
Please forgive me, I want you to continue to help me in anyway way you think might help. You and Jo have been consistantly helpful to me. I will need more help in the future and I promise I will treat you with respect.
No worries, JDD. In turn, I apologize for hurting you, regardless of intent. And I'll cut back on my enthusiasm for directives!
Worked out hard today - time is short, as I've lots of work, but it felt good to do so. W is going to the gym the nights I have S5, and is wearing kinda skimpy workout clothes. Down control-monster, Down! I gotta keep remembering that she D'd me. Reality is she does come home, and this is better than her becoming a depressed couch potato.
We small-talked, W seemed tired, I'm tired. She asked me tonight, "How do you do all that?" refering to my work, teaching, etc... I made the mistake of telling her how much I sleep (not much) - a mistake cause I don't want any semblance of complaining to/around her - just positivity for now. A bit of convo about S5.
She mentioned her aching back again, said she was looking into a chiropractor or deep muscle massage (hinting for another spa certificate, perhaps?). She moved away from me, as if afraid that I'd offer to knead her back, so I played indifferent.
She was colder tonight that in the am, but last week said "I'm just tired."
I'm praying and hoping that she'll eventually start stringing some of this tiredness etc... into a big picture of disappointment about where D has gotten her.
Gabriel, I just wanted to pop in, say hello, and congratulations on holding things together post D... i hope i have your strength when the time comes.. I notice you still refer to her as your W. I guess its a hard habit to break.. there isn't much new in my sitch, she is still intending to Divorce me.. nothing i do has any effect.. but i have the kids alot, for which i am grateful... I think its honorable that you still try to reunite with your W, post D.. i dont know whether i could do that... Things are still very messy in my life.. i am getting by, but barely. I haven't Gotten a life, just cant seem to get that part together..I still love my wife, and thats part of the problem, i can become very depressed.. Oh well, life goes on. Take care, my friend..
Ukeejo, I still use 'W' cause the 'X' has a rough impression on me - seems like she's dead or s/t. One less word to type. I definitely don't see her as my wife anymore, but she's truly the same person that I love. Some changes in her - some for good, some not. Yep, I'm still working at it for now.
GAL work is probably that much more important post-D than D. It falsifies or makes irrelevant that impression by some that suggest that I just move on, 'cause I am! I'm moving on with personal growth, self-care, and my eyes on my future goals. Still with the door open for her, though, which makes all the difference.
Gabriel: I know this is a bit off topic, but how did you and W tell your son you and she had decided to divorce? I know your son is considerably younger than our children (D17 S12 almost 13) but I was wondering how you did it. I am really, really worried about it. M
My W also complains a lot about tiredness and aches and pains (headaches). She has aged a lot in the past couple of years. She also wears "young" clothes, works out in bright pink outfits, colored her hair etc. This may be part MLC for them, part self-therapy. Not much can be done about that. My W, like yours has no OM, and it will be interesting to see if she dates after D and if so where that goes. I certainly think that for career-minded, academic-type women, with all the pseudo-feminist (please dont get me wrong I am completely pro-women's-rights and all that- but I believe in rational thought as well) talk that they are exposed to, the coming of a child can be very confusing. My W is really lost and does not know who she is any more. Even the way she talks can change day-t-day. Sometimes she will use exaggerated hand movements that seem so fake, other times so will put her hands in her pockets and rock back and forth (??!). Anyway, I just am going to keep that sun shining from the behind attitude. And, yes, never expose your weakness (lack of sleep, tired etc.). With my W it elicits nothing but more coldness.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Hey, Buddy! I haven't posted in a while, though lurking, and I wanted to say "Hey!".
Quote: GAL work is probably that much more important post-D than D. It falsifies or makes irrelevant that impression by some that suggest that I just move on, 'cause I am! I'm moving on with personal growth, self-care, and my eyes on my future goals. Still with the door open for her, though, which makes all the difference.
Alot of negatives have happened in my sitch and I've been feeling very low. I wish I could harness your positivity and perspective. It is hard to stay up all the time. Human, I suppose.
We told S5 together last Fall that we were going to be living separately, that we would always love him, and that each of us (W and I) needed time apart to get better. Since then, W has told S5 that she intends to stay apart. I haven't joined her on this - quite frankly b/c I still see it as we first described it. MIL/FIL tried to press the issue early with "never/evers" until I threatened W with court action if she didn't start to defend our son from their BS. So far, she's been keeping adequate boundaries for S5. S5 still has hope regarding reconciliation, and he clearly knows that I'm the person to listen to his hopes - not W or her family.
I've read that in adolesence, its harder on girls. But each child is different.
I gotta keep remembering that she D'd me. Reality is she does come home, and this is better than her becoming a depressed couch potato.
ss