Thanks for posting Martha (my favorite roadside caller ) and Steve (good to hear from you!).
I took up an older friend's offer to meet him at a nearby bar for happy hour. I struck up a convo with a guy sitting next to me who mentioned CA and found out he's a Marine Captain just back from Iraq (my friend spent ~3 years in Vietnam as a Marine). Anyway, lots of good stories, talked about everything - women, war, trauma, fitness, our sons - and noticed that I had forgotten my sitch. The bar was in a posh restaurant and there were some incredible women milling about. I enjoyed the occasional bantering with women who'd come up to talk, and noticed that I attracted my share despite being a prof sitting with two Marines.
Found a common theme of appreciation in what was said - that a man spending his life well does so in a planned, disciplined fashion, yet with some flexibility to discover/pursue his passions. Without dredging up the past mistakes in my R w/ W, I am firmly committed to never lose myself that much in W or another W so as to lose sight of my self and male purpose. And I intend to pass that perspective onto S5, so he can possible avoid this pitfall as a young man.
Heh! You're favorite roadside caller! LOL! I love Martians!
It sounds like you had a really great evening of male bonding, dude. Good for you! You are doing such a wonderful job living your values and staying true to them. You are growing in leaps and bounds for yourself and in your fatherhood. If your W doesn't wake up pretty soon, someone wonderful is going to come into your life.
Any sense on where your W is at these days? Is she showing any signs of growth, discovery, recognition about the mess of a life she's made for herself? It may not be time yet, but I'm just wondering...
Have a great weekend, dude! And yes, you are right about my new job, but you know the university system!
Hmmm, where my W is at the moment... I think she's at an interesting place. She's 34 and is wrestling with her physical reality of getting older - she comments on this to me, seems to be fishing for reassurance/compliments at times. On the other hand, on the inside, I think she's still at a very young place, working to prove her independence and empowered woman status/position. As a prof with a ph.d. and a nice faculty job/salary etc... I don't know how much further a person needs to go to feel 'empowered' but I've noticed this theme in her language. Kind of the dated 70s version of feminism. IMHO she'll need to break past this pc-jargon stuff, and find her individual truth: What balance b/t work,family,self-love will leave her contented.
Some positives: -She's starting to reduce the importance of work - at least with words. I'll see if her actions follow this. - I see her valuing my time with S5 so much more than she did in the past. In the last 3-4 wks, she's asked me to talk with S5 for disciplining or reassuring/supporting reasons, and each time she literally sits down and watches, likes she's taking it all in. There's a look in her eye of respect and attention. - She has said thank you for a few big efforts of mine, including paying off our M debt. - She has started to comment on how MIL is a nut or a mess.I've finally learned to merely validate her feelings here, and to keep my big mouth shut regarding the ILs (thanks, Lost!).
Overall though, I'm not sure, Martha. I think she's in some sort of post-D honeymoon phase. She has a fat equity check that she's spending right now, she's leaving for Hawaii in about 1 wk, and she always is less depressed in the summer. I don't think she'll move much until she moves out of the house in August, and school starts up again in Aug/Sept. Every year, Fall is when her libido would vanish and her depression would surface.
Quote: The more I learn about women, the more I realize how outmaneuvered guys are in generally.
Gabe,
I wanted to comment on your thread about this statement.
C'mon, you're an educator. You know that people basically have 3 avenues of taking in information, learning -- visually, audibly or kinesthetically (sp?). It just so happens that SO, as with most men, is a visual learner (particularly when it comes to sexual attraction and women).
Now, that said, think about how your SO takes in information. What is her language? Does she make "I see" statements, "I hear" statements, or "I feel" statements?
Personally for me, especially when it comes to sex, I am an audible person. Nothing can rev up my motor faster than a well-placed whisper in my ear of a baritone voice! GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWwLLLLLLLLLL! Of course, I'm also a "feeling" person in that sitch too!
So, think about your SO and how she communicates. Think about the subtle things you did in the past that really tripped her trigger. There you will find the answer, my friend. If she's audible, then the next time you are together at S5's game, lean in close and say something innocuous but in a come-hither tone! If she's feeling, then use that language around her. Speak her language. Mirror her language. Once you've used enough "I feel" statements, then you can reach out and touch her arm in a warm and friendly manner, to punctuate a point, like you would with a good friend.
These are the tools, my friend. Men are just easier b/c they love "eye candy"! (Am I right, ladies???)
Excellent advice! Your pointers made it to my "Advice for Gabe" file that I use to guide/track my learning. I actually never really thought about her in those terms. Thanks for the concrete examples - I now have a plan.
Journaling
Weekend is going well. I worked out at the gym then ran yesterday. Noticed that most clothing stores don't sell my new pants/shorts sizes, as my waist has trimmed down beyond the typical guys. I've started to check out styles I like, then go online to order the size I need.
Kevin, I thought of your metrosexual comment the other day, and chuckled to myself. My W never pressured me about my clothing or grooming, and I was always more than 'acceptable' just never flashy or headturning. I think she was more comfortable with that, given her insecurities about me. Now, I think my task is to press the envelope on attractiveness, while keeping my actions solid. Ever since S5 made comments about a fictional OM looking younger than me (maybe 3-4 wks ago), I've toyed with dyeing some of the gray out of my black hair, as I've inherited the prematurely greying look that the men in my family have. Looks nicely professorial for a young faculty member, but I'd rather look my age (37) than that of my 50-something counterparts.
Read an article in a May edition of Time mag that glorified women's MLC. I get the mag at the house, and noticed that W had set it aside and read it. She commented on how 'empowered' women were now (I assumed to be able to leave M's), and I thought to myself "If so, how empty is such power." I thumbed thru (to see how MLCers think) before tossing it, just a lot of false bravado about women discovering different things after divorce, kids, careers. Despite their claims of growth, I noticed that most of the 50-something women didn't look/sound genuinely happy, had raised their kids/had careers prior to spiriling into this phase, and were not young 34 year olds with young children (like my W). I think W only has a partial theme of this goin on.
Went to listen to some 'funk jazz' with a WAH coworker last night. Everytime I go out with him, I'm amazed at how hard he works to label his W's or mine's behavior as antagonistic and ill-intended. It gets wearing over time to keep gently presenting a more complex view of things. I enjoyed the music and carried out some flirting with a pretty waitress at a restaurant, but don't quite trust the WAH as an friend. I predict that he'd be a negative influence to any reconciling activity that W and I might attempt in the future, given his agenda regarding his M.
Enjoyed Mass last night, did laundry today. I find myself starting convos with folks I never would have in the last years of my M. I am back to the old me that could see and enjoy the good in every person I ran across.
Hard work today, then a long run tonight. Very hot/humid here, so I may drive to run on the beach.
Gabriel- I will make a suggestion from what I saw in you as far as clothes that might get W's attention.
You appear to have a nice solid build. To me (yes everyone is different) I think the best part of a man is his chest. (thought I would go in the gutter didn't ya? )
I would suggest you getting some tight shirts to show off your chest. Make W do a double take...lol
As far as the grey in your hair.....you can change it but I prefer men who have a little grey. Makes them look sophisticated. But that is just my opinion
I agree with lostinlimbo on leaving your hair alone... Perhaps it is a woman thing, but I too love a man with a little bit of gray in their hair!! I also feel that the gray makes a man look a bit on the "sophisticated" side... Not too sure if I agree with gardening in a speedo! That sounds a bit scary!!! Hope you are enjoying the long holiday weekend! Talk with you soon! -KIM
Throw away all speedo's. Should never be worn in public. I only wear mine at masters swimming, but I recently switched to shorty jambs, a lot more acceptable.
Control what you can, look beter than expected each tiome you see her. Allways smeel good too! thats what I am trying to do. Russ
Here's another seasoned Venusian weighing in on the hair issue. Don't do it, dude. Every time I see a man that's used that stuff, I can spot 'em a mile away! Gray is cool...trust me on this!
I would also chime in on what Lost said about shoulders. Good shoulders, good pecks and a nice a$$. I'm betting your behind is getting pretty perky these days with all that running. Don't get pleated pants--get flat front pants. They show off that shapely behind. Definitely go for some different colors too. Pick up a copy of GQ or some other men's magazine and check out what's hot for this season. Also, check out the website for "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy". They always dress men VERY well on that show, so I'm sure you could get some pointers there, too.
Rawk on, dude!
P.S. Despite what Lost said, most women are not above a little checking out of the package, if you get my drift, so stay away from boxers. Go with something that's going to, well, ummm, package the package well! Another reason to stay away from pleated pants.
) and Steve (good to hear from you!).
Make W do a double take...lol
That sounds a bit scary!!!