Even Post-D, the sitch turns amazingly like a rollercoaster.
When I showed at S5's swim lesson yesterday afternoon, I watched him for a bit poolside, then walked to the bleachers. W smiled brightly and scooted over for me to sit next to her. I noticed she had ashes smeared on her face, and she showed me two burned plastic cups. Turns out, a 12yo she had hired as a babysitter to watch S5 and a 6you playmate while she put in an afternoon at work had decided to show the boys some "magic" and started a fire in a bathroom in my house.
My heart raced as I thought about how dangerous that was for S5, and W seemed right there with me. We agreed that the babysitter was fired. W commented that she's reached a point where she doesn't feel safe about S5 unless he's with her or me. She also commented about shifting priorities at work to be with him more. This is HUGE, as she is moving healthily from over-emphasizing career/work to increasing the importance of her R with S5.
She called me in the evening after my teaching to tell me the babysitter's father came over with the 12yo, who lied about what happened. Fortunately, W stood her ground, said she believed S5 and noted that she and I agreed that we'd have to make other arrangements. She invited me over to check in with S5, and I gave him great compliments/kisses/hugs for telling W and I the truth about what happened, refusing the babysitter's request to keep the fire a "secret." We talked a bit, and I gave her WOA for her mothering and protection of S5.
W seems to have responded well to my boundary setting regarding finances. I've received relaxed smiles in the hallway today.
Gabriel-I am so glad that S5 was not hurt! I would have had a fit over that one.
You and W pull together so well when it comes to a crisis. It is strange how that usual day to day talking is not always as positive. But I think it is a great thing that you do it as a team when it comes down to it.
I am VERY particular about who keeps D3 and I bet that W will be the same now. It is hard.
I don't think there's anything wrong with being clearer about the financials with W. You have gone above and beyond anything she had a right to expect from you on that, and since she did get her D, she doesn't really have a right to expect you to continue that way. Don't "react" but do be clear with her on what you believe is fair.
As for S5, thank God he wasn't hurt. That's the kind of thing that would give me nightmares. I'm glad that he's ok, and it is good to see W ratcheting him up on the "importance meter."
You deserve a break after all that. I hope you get one, or take one for yourself.
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
BUY THE BED, I even bought sheet with a high tread count? I was thinking as I was driving home, what I would say to the the XW when she comes over and asks so see it, my first thought was jump in test, have a test ride.....upon reflection I thought no, I do not want you in my big soft very supportive bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will cave. Nice to think strong, even if just for a short time.
Quote: You and W pull together so well when it comes to a crisis.
I agree, and I also am puzzled that we don't do as well during quiet times. Maybe some of the positives of pulling together will help us both to stay motivated in terms of developing at least a friendship. I've got to work harder on working in some humor/playfulness again.
Jo and JDD, I do hope this GAL work and PMA rub off on this new R. Fatigue toward Thur-Fri has been a factor with me, as I get worse at DBing as the week wears on. Only 3 more weeks to go with this intense teaching schedule and then things lighten slightly.
K wrote:
Quote: I'm glad that he's ok, and it is good to see W ratcheting him up on the "importance meter."
This would be a big growth event for W, to put Rs ahead of work/career. It didn't happen in terms of her M to me, but hopefully it will for S5. He truly deserves it.
Russ wrote:
Quote: BUY THE BED
I'm very excited to get back into the house and to start furnishing/painting/decorating to MY taste. I have great taste, and it should have an impact on W's respect for me.
Journaling W let me know that she and S5 were leaving to spend the weekend with her parents and brother. So I have Fri-Mon to myself. In the past, this would have crushed me. Now, I feel excited to do "me" stuff, including exercise, guitar, and some fun stuff. There will be some work projects to spend time on, but it'll be a different, fun type of work.
W called to tell me she was taking S5 to swim lessons yesterdya prior to leaving, so I went to watch. W was dressed nicely in a shorts/sleeveless top outfit. I told her "you look very pretty" and she neither thanked me nor bristled, but did brighten. We small-talked and I noticed some 'dead' or awkward moments of silence. I'll have to remember to be more comfortable with quiet, but also to try to have a bit more fun when around her.
As she was going to see her parents, W was likely stressed. In the past, she'd be the most argumentative just prior, and verbally abusive to me following the visits.
She noted that S5 would always look around for me at the lessons, and again he showed off for me when he saw me in the stands. W seems very supportive of my R with him. I found myself sharing about some of my business developments w/ her. Probably need to stop that, as I noticed tension building in her, as if she gets p!ssed off that this success is happening now. The part of me that wants to impress her/be acknowledged by her needs to be fed elsewhere now post-D.
W commented, "Speaking of you and 'buddy' doing so well [financially], why don't you support the cake fund?", pointing out that we hadn't contributed to her 'cake fund' that she started to celebrate folks BDays at work. She didn't have the fund acknowledge my BDAY in the past cause it falls during the summer months. I just gently deflected, noting that I don't eat cake. I wanted to say "Cause I'm paying off OUR debt, I'd rather save for our son than feed folks who don't need more cake, I don't want to support you're kissing up to the crowd, and b/c you don't have the fund acknowledge my BDay anyway!" but I just left it at that. I'm venting here, but it felt very solid, resentment-free to be assertive here - taking care of my needs rather than hers.
I walked them to the car, and gave S5 hugs and kisses goodbye. As I was walking around the car, W and I crossed paths, and I noticed that both of us - not just me - initially moved toward one another as if to naturally hug/kiss in this automatic way before she 'woke up' and pulled back to say goodbye.
I'm looking forward to reenergizing this weekend. I have low expectations regarding W's attitude upon return, but self-care will help me to face it.
Hey Gabriel. Also, hope you have a really fulfilling and good Memorial Weekend.
Sometimes our spouses appear to be feeling a certain way, but inside they are really confused, sad, etc. Just like many of the feelings that we also experience. Your W probably is going through a feeling of much insecurity now and confusion about if she did the right thing and if this is what she really wanted.
Glad to hear about your GAL and activities you're doing for yourself. That's all we can do, you know. Just keep working on being our best and ourselves, and leave things in Gods hands.
Keep it up! 