Hope the w/e w/ S5 went well. I could only have mine on Sun. as I was traveling for work on Fri and Sat, but I had a blast. S5 (today) got a real kick out of "beating" Daddy at putt-putt yesterday.
Hey Lost, Dogma, Martha and Bulldogr! Thanks for posting.
Lost, I do think W is having a hard time truly severing ties. Yet I don't feel ANY real open toward being with her in public. It is an odd feel. Anyway, S5 and I bought the pass (W reimbursed me for half the cost tonight), and had great fun visiting on Sun and Mon. I've had my fill of waterslides and wave machines, though.
There are positives. I just think this may be a very long sitch before any possible turnaround happens. Meanwhile, it is hugely important that I stay disciplined about the GAL work and self-care.
Dogma, I appreciate the WOA. I am very humble about things, and need to keep journaling and reviewing my notes about what works, cause I 'don't get it' half the time. I don't like the 'flying by the seat of my pants' feel.
Martha wrote:
Quote: One of my SO's complaints about my past behavior was my overanalyzing. I'm finally coming to learn that that is really a defense mechanism for me. With that knowledge, it is becoming easier for me to just live in the present, just "be", and not get all bent about how this or that is going to effect the future, what happened in the past, etc. Might it be possible, with your background, that you may slip into this sometimes?
Hey! Perfect timing on this observation! W met S5 and I at the door at dropoff today Monday in workout clothes, including entincing short-shorts and looked me in the eye and said, "I've got this awful crink in my neck, not sure how I got it..." Went on for a few more statements. In the M, I would have walked her over to the couch or bed and would have massaged the headache/crink until it was gone. In this moment, I had like a deer-in-the-headlights moment, and let it pass by. I tried to bring it up at the end of my visit, but the opportunity was gone, it felt forced and W said 'no thanks.' Part of me wondered if she was just waiting for me to offer so she could reject me and feel better. But you're right, to do better in the moment, I have to stop thinking thru stuff so much.
To burn off my frustration from that rejection/missed opportunity, I raced to the gym to work out, then went running.
During the visit as I was rubbing his back at bedtime, S5 told me, "Dad, Mom says she will never ever marry you again." He looked quietly sad as he said this. I said to S5, "S5, I will do my best to take care of you, and to do the right thing. God is bigger than me and than Mommy, and we'll just pray that we'll all do what He wants. I promise you this, I will do my best."
I think I lost another M ally in the 'real world.' My work buddy, whose parents D'd when he was 5 and whose W's parents were D'd as well, shifted his advice to the "move on" mode, suggesting that she'll never change, and making me cringe with comments about bringing my next girlfriend over.
I think she might change, and has shown slight signs. At pickup on Sat morn, I was 1 hr late. I had a great plan to do my laundry early in the am, but my laundromat had a water main break, and two others didn't open on time, so I was late. Got up at 6am to be there early for S5, but ended up 1 hr late. W was judgmental and called me an "absentee father" and insinuated that I was lazy. I let some things slide, then pointed out that I had 3 times her work duties at the university currently plus another applied position, making my weekdays impossible for stuff like laundry: cheeseless tunnel to defend myself. I also pointed out that I had to work that much, as I had assumed our debt. W went into a tirade, again blaiming me for our financial problems - right back to nearly 6 years ago - she's stuck there and won't leave. On Sunday, she asked to talk with me when talking to S5 on the phone and thanked me for paying off 'our' debt. I was stunned, and stammered a 'you're welcome.' Never, ever before has she thanked me for working hard. A slight negative was that she said it would enable her to get a great mortgage rate for her condo.
Keep up the good work Gab. Running is great, I share the need, I bought a road bike and am trying to wear the tires out.(harder than I thought)
My W is asking to do family things to, She bought up saving to take the kids to Disneyland????? I don't get em. the say go away, go away...come here, come here...?????
I guess the only thing to do is GAL and PMA.
How do you hide your pain? Like you said you looked like the "dear" in the head lights.
As for dating, are you interested? I am lacking the motivation to close the deal. I have lots and coffees and drinks, but I don't want to close it...
I, like you, must put up with the W that accuses and then comes back with some understanding and validation.
I sometimes feel that this is why hunting them is not allowed, (just being funny) .
I hope all is well with you and that you enjoy the wavepark.
Yep, the back and forth is very confusing. I think the reality post-D is a bit scary. And so the XW comes back to her toe in the ol' R water every once in a while. Or maybe they are thinking of the kids when they offer such joint activities. At least in my sitch, there has been not a hint of interest in being with me beyond brief convos that seem to focus on her.
My W is 34, and since our S in Oct 04, looks considerably older than she did just prior. She has told me that she does not want another R, yet at the house last night, I saw a receipt/notice for a place that does plastic surgery and hair removal. I imagine she's preparing for a future R by improving herself cosmetically.
In a very polite way, and perhaps triggered by this observation and my definitely not wanting to fund her prettying up for another person, I sent a polite email saying that its time for her to pay for her own medical insurance, her own life insurance, and to contribute to S5's college fund. This adds up to $150 US monthly or $1800 annually. I noted gently that I'd be glad to help but that I imagined her choosing to D me included a desire to not be dependent on me for some bills. I said early that this was my reaction in part due to seeing the plastic surgery/hair removal slip (left right on the couch where I usually sit, so I wasn't spying), but it also was due to an answer I received in prayer a few months back that W hasn't yet felt the reality of her decision. She's been in the comfort of our house, with me buffering her from the financial consequences of her new reality. I really don't care to 'teach' her, but I also want to protect myself. How would I feel if I helped to make her physical changes (whatever they are) and I discovered that she was in an R with an OP?
Struggling with anger/resentment/sadness this morning. Lots of sadness about my D and S5 last night. Feeling some hopelessness, especially with other women sending me interest.
Russ, I'm not dating. I need to sit for abit, as I'm still in the heartbroken mode. The attention does help to feed the PMA, but with one woman's obvious maturity and kindness, this difference from W seems to be feeding my despair that she'll ever change. I so want an R that allows for a give and take, not just giving. She thanked me this weekend for paying off all debt associated with her, but it was so weak in relation to feeding me. A brief stilted comment that she seemed to cough up after several stammers, and that she tied quickly to her own benefits - getting a lower mortgage rate on her condo purchase.
I plan on going dark and just working on myself and S5, and being positive yet brief during any contact with her.
Just read my last post after reading others' sitches and saw how needy/controlling/fearful that stance of mine is.
I need to drop the rope, and just let her work on herself. The slip was probably for hair removal - s/t she wanted to do for years but chose not to in sacrifice for family needs. She has every right to self-care.
On my part, I need to be confident, assured that I'm just fine without her or with her, and that S5 and I will make up our own little family if need be.
Things are looking up. Got advice on how to advance my contract work still further, I look at least 5 years younger than I did in the recent past (noticed several women looking at me at the waterpark), and I know myself so much more than I did in the last few years in the M.
S5 will be away with her from Thur thru Mon. I will use that time wisely: 1) More guitar practice 2) Heavy workouts/running 3) One publication submission and tackling another heavily. 4) I may see if female associate wants to do lunch - wavering on this - only if she's game for s/t neutral. I think W needs to see my walking away from her. I'm "Old Faithful" a bit much in her eyes. I want her to see that I won't be moving into a monastery any time soon and for her to think about improving her act, as she is replaceable (not really, but she might start thinking more if she perceives this).
Gabriel- You are going through a lot right now. Take some time to breathe
As far as W wanting plastic surgery....doesn't necessarily mean it is to impress someone else. Not that you totally feel that way but you may think it a bit.
She is insecure with herself and how she looks. Kinda like just being tired and feeling blah. Don't read too much into it.
You did right on making her pay her way though. That is not YOUR job anymore. She has to be totally independent since the D was HER decision. She has to learn that she no longer has you to fall back on for HER support finacially.
I know you will provide for S5 and IMO that should be it. Hang in there Gabriel....things will get better. Give it time.
I want a belly-button job because dd2 wrecked it when I was pregnant with her (she was a big baby) and I got what looks like a scar above my navel.
It looks bad enough that even doctors mistake it for abdominal surgery - therefore I have said to H when I go through the menopause and can no longer give birth, I will have cosmetic surgery to fix it.
This is nothing to do with him or impressing him - it's just something I want to do, to feel good about ME.
Apart from anything else, you ARE divorced. I know it hurts, I've been in tears myself today, but you really can't control what she does and by saying 'I will not pay bills because of this surgery' - that is like a 'punishment' for her for doing something you don't like.
If you don't want to pay bills because you're divorced, fair enough, you don't have to. But don't have that as a reason why. That's a mind game and isn't fair.
I totally understand why you feel threatened though. I don't want my H to get anyone else either.
There are dozens of things we can no longer take part in and we just have to let that go and try not to louse up the stuff we CAN take part in, otherwise we will just drive ourselves insane.
Lost, thanks for reminding me about her possible insecurity. I imagine the D is hard for her to face as well. And I hope you're right about it not necessarily being done to impress someone else.
Jo, I thank you for also noting that W's self-improvement could be about her self - only. I also loved your ability to call me on my controlling behavior. To be honest, I did catch a flavor of that in this, and need to stop that completely. Time to reemphasize unconditional love.
W responded to my email writing in capital letters only - I guess to signify anger? All appropriate with one small dig at me for being Catholic (my insurance is thru a church men's organization that she sees as anti-woman - not true but I'd done arguing w/her - another cheeseless tunnel).
She followed it immediately with a reminder for me to please attend S5's swim lesson, and a semi-friendly review of her arrangements of his summer camp and play dates that she's helping to arrange. Go figure? Maybe this new R of ours is becoming less fragile?
Sorry I haven't posted on your thread in a while and I feel selfish for asking, but would you look at my last post on my thread? Things have taken a big turn for the worse (as-if things could be any worse).
Hope all is well. 