Hey Lost, Dogma, Martha and Bulldogr! Thanks for posting.
Lost, I do think W is having a hard time truly severing ties. Yet I don't feel ANY real open toward being with her in public. It is an odd feel. Anyway, S5 and I bought the pass (W reimbursed me for half the cost tonight), and had great fun visiting on Sun and Mon. I've had my fill of waterslides and wave machines, though.
There are positives. I just think this may be a very long sitch before any possible turnaround happens. Meanwhile, it is hugely important that I stay disciplined about the GAL work and self-care.
Dogma, I appreciate the WOA. I am very humble about things, and need to keep journaling and reviewing my notes about what works, cause I 'don't get it' half the time. I don't like the 'flying by the seat of my pants' feel.
Martha wrote:
Quote: One of my SO's complaints about my past behavior was my overanalyzing. I'm finally coming to learn that that is really a defense mechanism for me. With that knowledge, it is becoming easier for me to just live in the present, just "be", and not get all bent about how this or that is going to effect the future, what happened in the past, etc. Might it be possible, with your background, that you may slip into this sometimes?
Hey! Perfect timing on this observation! W met S5 and I at the door at dropoff today Monday in workout clothes, including entincing short-shorts and looked me in the eye and said, "I've got this awful crink in my neck, not sure how I got it..." Went on for a few more statements. In the M, I would have walked her over to the couch or bed and would have massaged the headache/crink until it was gone. In this moment, I had like a deer-in-the-headlights moment, and let it pass by. I tried to bring it up at the end of my visit, but the opportunity was gone, it felt forced and W said 'no thanks.' Part of me wondered if she was just waiting for me to offer so she could reject me and feel better. But you're right, to do better in the moment, I have to stop thinking thru stuff so much.
To burn off my frustration from that rejection/missed opportunity, I raced to the gym to work out, then went running.
During the visit as I was rubbing his back at bedtime, S5 told me, "Dad, Mom says she will never ever marry you again." He looked quietly sad as he said this. I said to S5, "S5, I will do my best to take care of you, and to do the right thing. God is bigger than me and than Mommy, and we'll just pray that we'll all do what He wants. I promise you this, I will do my best."
I think I lost another M ally in the 'real world.' My work buddy, whose parents D'd when he was 5 and whose W's parents were D'd as well, shifted his advice to the "move on" mode, suggesting that she'll never change, and making me cringe with comments about bringing my next girlfriend over.
I think she might change, and has shown slight signs. At pickup on Sat morn, I was 1 hr late. I had a great plan to do my laundry early in the am, but my laundromat had a water main break, and two others didn't open on time, so I was late. Got up at 6am to be there early for S5, but ended up 1 hr late. W was judgmental and called me an "absentee father" and insinuated that I was lazy. I let some things slide, then pointed out that I had 3 times her work duties at the university currently plus another applied position, making my weekdays impossible for stuff like laundry: cheeseless tunnel to defend myself. I also pointed out that I had to work that much, as I had assumed our debt. W went into a tirade, again blaiming me for our financial problems - right back to nearly 6 years ago - she's stuck there and won't leave. On Sunday, she asked to talk with me when talking to S5 on the phone and thanked me for paying off 'our' debt. I was stunned, and stammered a 'you're welcome.' Never, ever before has she thanked me for working hard. A slight negative was that she said it would enable her to get a great mortgage rate for her condo.
