You're being as negative as she is. Quit going down negative spirals about your MIL. She only bothers you because you let her, much the same way my mother used to get to me.
Think of the conflict my mother caused between me and H. It isn't worth it. You can choose how you deal with her. How your W responds to her is her problem.
I think you were right about S5.
Re your W's moodiness - she IS moody because a R didn't work out, her R with you.
She has just got a D - she is bound to be depressed, esp. if she thinks she has made a mistake and is too proud to admit it.
She is going to be cranky and hurt and frustrated and be grieving the lost M even if she was the one who walked away.
Just hang in there and try to let her grieve without taking it too personally.
Most of the negative stuff they say is just BS anyway.
Gabriel, You are handling this the best you can, which in my opinion is pretty darn good. Its a fine line between being a door mat and unconditional love, everyone has to strike their own balance. I believe that the WAS is riding an emotional rollercoaster too. You can never predict what willl come out of their mouth. The best thing you can do is not let it affect you, and of course you do this by not reacting negatively to their outbursts. One of the most valuable lessons I've learned from DBing is to pick my battles. I used to do battle on every little thing. Now I let more issues go. I feel so much better. I agree with Jo, try not to focus on MIL. If they are spending their time talking negative about you, well they are just wasting their time. They obviously dont know the same guy, I read about on this board everyday. Keep your chin up. You'll figure the balancing act out, in time. Hope.
Jo, your swift kick in the pants was just what I needed! You're right - I was getting negative. I loved your take on her perspective on the sitch, and your encouragement to let her mourn the D is good advice:
Quote: Just hang in there and try to let her grieve without taking it too personally. Most of the negative stuff they say is just BS anyway.
Thanks, Jo - very reality based advice.
Wes wrote:
Quote: Its a fine line between being a door mat and unconditional love, everyone has to strike their own balance. I believe that the WAS is riding an emotional rollercoaster too. You can never predict what willl come out of their mouth. The best thing you can do is not let it affect you, and of course you do this by not reacting negatively to their outbursts.
I'm discovering a way to set up boundaries politely, and W seems to be responding w/ greater respect.
We had a rough sitch in which S5 was touched by a same age boy in school on his genitals. This threw us both, as we want S5 to never be affected by such things. Turns out the boy has been sexually acting out on several other kids and the school is trying to keep it hush-hush. I informed the school administrator of my specialization in this area, and offered a clear appropriate plan of action, but they kept playing ostrich for a week. W called very upset this afternoon after a IC session and did a nice job of talking threw her upset and being rationa about things, but generally asking me to take the lead in pursuing more action. We agreed that I call in the event to our version of CPS, with the hope of getting the boy help, kicking the school admin. in the arse so they don't do this again, and allowing us to see this play out more thoroughly before we decide what school he should attend in the Fall term.
I met W during S5's swim lesson and told her about my convo with CPS and the police. We'll be interviewed tomorrow. W noted how much S5 starts to show off when he sees me present - really melted my heart to see him spark up like that when he saw me. W seemed genuinely happy about and we laughed together when she said jokingly, "Hey, why doesn't he ever show off for ME like that?!" As I said goodbye to them to go back to teach, W met my eyes with a very warm smile.
Now THAT feels much better!
On a side, I applied some DBing at work, and arranged a nice lucrative compromise with my supervisor regarding some contract work. Another contract issue was resolved with a buddy I work with, so my financial world has improved greatly by the removal of these hassles.
Jo's right here. Don't let your W's negativity suck you in. This is where the Martian leadership qualities can really serve you well. If you see that W is being negative, put on your leadership hat, be positive, even if you have to "act as if".
Now then, I am so sorry to hear about what happened to your S5 at school and I hope the administration gets it resolved NOW! I'm going to take an educated guess here that perhaps the boy who is acting out inappropriately is probably being sexually abused. That is just so sad.
Don't have much to say. I just wanted to drop in and let you know I was thinking about you.
I'm glad you recognized the pattern of negativity you were falling into. That isn't you, know what I mean, Brother?!
As a father, I want to say how sorry I am to hear about S5's experience. At least he has such a loving father to help him through this. Your son is one lucky boy. I also pray for the other little boy involved. You probably understand the sources and causes of that behavior better than anybody here, so I'm sure you know how to handle the situation. I'll pray for God's strength and guidance for you.
As a note, you'll have my company over here very soon. I just received confirmation that the D is going through. It won't be long now.
Hey Gabriel. Just wanted to check in. Hope you and your son are having a fun weekend.
You have a great attitude for going through what many of us our dealing with. It can be hard to not get a little down here and there. Total understandable.
Probably feeling like summertime out there in Florida!
My computer is down, so I'm only able to check in once a day from the library. Hope to have it back this week.
Hey Bulldog, I'm sorry to hear your news. Hope you're ok this weekend.
Network was down for a day here - we got slammed by odd German spam.
Journaling
Hard work early Friday, knocked out some extra contract work. Missed a boating outing w/ a buddy, but instead of moping about that, cranked out a bit more work, then raced off to work out hard at the gym and race around the track for a bit. Getting nicely hot and humid here. Most folks hate it, but I like getting hydrated, then sweating up a storm while running. Seems very purifying for me.
I showered, then picked up S5 early. I agreed w/ W that S5 wouldn't have any more afterschool care, so we are picking him up about 1 hr early. This will mean 1 less hr of sleep for me on days related to me being with him, but he comes first. When he asked if he could stay overnight w/me, I called W and asked, "Would you enjoy a break tonight?" She seemed puzzled, and when I asked about S5 staying over, she said "Oh if he wants to, but either way is fine with me." I commented that he had been asking me frequently, and W admitted that he asks her to stay w/ me a lot as well. Importantly, W reversed herself from the D proceedings and noted that S5 does NOT suffer 3 days of 'adjustment' after visiting me overnight, and comes home 'happy and just fine.'
Anyway, we went and saw the Will Ferrell soccer movie (Gabe and S5 gave 2 thumbs down), then hit on a great idea. We invested in two light sabers - a green Yoda one (2' in length) and a blue/red Darth Vader one (3.5'). Went to my place, turned off the lights, and had an epic saber dual that lasted 1.5 hours, with S5 wearing his D.Vader helmet/voice changer, looking odd as a 3.5 ft Vader fighting a much taller Yoda. S5 and I both had a blast, w/S5 very quickly figuring out he could whack Dad's shins hard with his longer reach.
We picked up donuts on the way home, with W calling earlier seemingly to ask for my blessing to skip a TBall game so that she could take S5 with her M-friendly GF and GF's D2 to a beach festival. I validated her pursuit of less structured fun for her and him, and when we arrived, S5 pointed out that we had gotten donuts for her (I made sure that we got 2 of her favorites).
We sat and talked briefly, w/ me screwing up a bit by talking unnecessarily about negative topics like molestation risk and the need for parental supervision. Seemed like dangerous content that could be seen as teaching, controlling, or just plain not light, fun and positive. Gotta do some adjusting there and keep it light.
Went a place called 'House of Jam' to see a few bands play nice mixtures of cajun/folk/ephemeral/irish music with a strong southern influence overall. Nice guitar work and had a pleasant time listening while sipping my beer. Chatted briefly with one female vocalist about the lyrics of one song, and noted 'the look' from her. She was with someone, and I had no desire to pursue, just noted that it happened despite my being probably 10 yrs older. It was nice to talk with a woman with an artistic passion and without the eggshell tension.
W called during bands for S5 to say goodnight. He noted that he found a 'baby jellyfish' and proudly told me 'I put it in my pocket' and brought it home and placed it in a glass of water in his room. Boy, did he make me laugh and say, "S5, you are the cutest little boy in the whole world!"
It was difficult reading about what happened to S5. I'm so glad for him that you have an understanding of how to help and protect him in the aftermath. It's such a shame that the school would allow this to continue rather than working with you and another qualified professional to enact a protective program.
I admire the heck out of you, dude!
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
W called and asked me to schedule the police interview this pm regarding the child-touching incident. Interestingly, she noted "Bring the light sabers or S5 will be very disapppointed!" in a playful tone. I raced home and got them, then headed over. W was very talkative, showed me how she was playing the oboe again with the hope of playing it for a church she is attending. She noted that she is being supported well by her GF I mentioned earlier and the GF's mother, noting that she's learning to be less extreme in reaction to S5's acting out or other stressors. Sounds like a positive. I validated her playing and noted that it was nice to see her doing so.
She laughed and watched S5 and I have another l.saber dual. Then she shocked me by asking me if I wanted to eat. When I accepted, she sat S5 and I down to a simple but nice dinner, including dessert. W puzzled me by taking out a tub of what she called "high fat" ice cream to show me how much she's eaten already, groaning about the calories. I responded with "You're tiny, so you can afford that!"
There was more open communication, with her feeling free to note that I needed to pay her c.support today (glad I had my checkbook), and us talking about the house and other stuff. W teared up about how long she'd be away from S5 during her trip to Hawaii and our trip out west. S5 was oblivious to that and said, "I get to sleep with you HOW MANY nights, Dad?!" excitedly. W thanked me for the cs check, as well as an amount to help her pay a cleaning service, and for the mother's day gift certificate. It was nice to hear that from her.
As I was leaving, S5 pointed out a tree frog and I showed him how to caress it softly with his finger. W said, "That's amazing that it'll let you do that!" I caught a june bug flying past me, crushed it a bit, then gave it to S5 to feed the frog. When it gulped it down, S5 squealed in excitement, and I saw W smiling and looking at me differently. It was a nice way to wrap up the evening.
You're right - I was getting negative. I loved your take on her perspective on the sitch, and your encouragement to let her mourn the D is good advice:
That is just so sad. 
Boy, did he make me laugh and say, "S5, you are the cutest little boy in the whole world!"