Quote: has sex ever been enjoyable to you? That could be why you are blahsey to it.
Truth is, it's so-so for me. The stupid therapist lady we saw said that it should be a reward and an incentive itself, but it just doesn't do much for me.
Quote: There is a toy at a "sex shop" that you might try. its refered to as a butterfly...basically its a small item that lays over the clitoris that is triggered to "buzz" once in a while. Some times theyre remote/radio controlled.
My suggestion might be, without telling H, use this toy on and off when youre at home to see how you react. If you think it might work, give him the control and see if he can "push your buttons"...
(google "good vibrations" and "grand opening" for places which may do a mail order business. there are others as well)
Doglover
There are many wise, empathetic and funny people here: you are my buddies - I'm grateful for your support.
Quote: And honestly, sex NEVER crosses my mind! I NEVER feel an urge, interest or anything. I don't find it distasteful. Yeah, getting the motor running IS the hard part. I simply don't even feel like starting! ... Looking for a therapist who is also ABS certified within our area now.
A few questions
Are you at home during the day or do you work outside the home? If at home, you may have more control over your schedule and how busy you do or don't need to be.
Do you have a child or children still at home? If so, is there conflict over children?
Does MBing help you feel some desire? (If so you might schedule a session everyday, sort of like making sure to brush your teeth and shower.)
In any case, you sound like a well-organized task-oriented person. In that case, you might try putting sex with your H into your personal calendar.
Is there a frequency you can both agree on?
But you and he need to stop fighting or you will probably "put out" resentfully.
Perhaps he needs to join in on some of the house and yard tasks with you?
Re ABS certified - I hadn't heard of that designation before. Do you know how it compares with AASECT?
Thanks, Doglover
There are many wise, empathetic and funny people here: you are my buddies - I'm grateful for your support.
I'm the hubby in question. I do try to help out during the day, there are some chores around the house I do on a daily basis. Also, I have been known to do yard work and such around the house. The commute is pretty bad so after being gone for 11 hours I tend to want to relax a bit and I probably could help out more. Also, I don't think I had the intention of using the anonymous sexpartner site (adultpersonals.com i believe) to actually make dates or anything like that. Due to DGA's dislike for sex I felt that somehow I was "bad" for having all these sexual feelings. Browsing the site and seeing all these women who actually confessed liking sex made me feel better about myself. And all those ads were interesting reads. Anyhow, in the first two-three years of the relationship sex was awesome and very mutual. The years after that it turned into a favor/chore for just me and something that is not mutual at all. Even though, when we do have sex DGA does have orgasms. The frequency right now is around once every 6-8 weeks.
I'd start by getting off the prozac and maybe trying something different like wellbutrin. The libido busting side effects of prozac and others like it have been well documented. Wellbutrin on the other hand has in some cases had the effect of INCREASING libido in some patients.
At least you're trying. But I must confess that I am always amazed at women who get "shocked and hurt" when they discover that their spouses start internet flirting/surfing when they are unhappy with the intimate side of their marriages. How reasonable is it really? "I know that you're unhappy with our love life, and while I know that I am not fullfilling your needs, I expect you to remain faithfull in all ways and continue to fullfill my own needs so that I may remain happy."
Maybe I've become too caloused to all this and perhaps even a bit unreasonable, but I have never been able to understand how one spouse can get upset/anxious/frightened over any issue that threatens their marriage, and yet not make it an absolute priority to change it at any cost. Its not that sex never crosses your mind . . . . it obviously does or you wouldn't be thinking about things enough to even bother looking for a message board on the internet. Take the energy your spending in looking for answers elsewhere and put that energy into finding the answers within yourself. By that I mean, if its too much trouble to get the motor running, then its up to you to find a way thats NOT too much trouble.
It's not abnormal for life to get in the way...that's why you have to make your M a priority in your life. You have to maintain your M just as you maintain the house, the car, the yard etc.
I wasn't actually looking for a message board on the internet! We bought the Sex Starved Marriage book about two months ago, and it has this web site in the book. I had looked at the site, then returned to it after another conflict. I started reading the posts, etc. Yesterday I felt desperation, and decided to sign up and post.
No It's not abnormal for life to get in the way...that's one of the contributing factors to so many divorces today. People pay too much attention to everything else going on and not enough attention to their marriage and that's why you have to make your M a priority in your life. You have to maintain your M just as you maintain the house, the car, the yard etc. and that means making your H feel special, loved, wanted...and for him many of those things may be tied up with the emotional connection that comes with ML to YOU.
You cannot take care of everything else and put your M at the bottom of your priority list and expect: #1 Your H to be happy w/the state of things or #2 Your marriage will survive, it won't.
I would definitely speak with your Dr. to find out if there are alternative medications to Prozac for you...tell him/her that you are experiencing no sex drive and it's causing problems. I believe there are other problems you two need to address and the counselor will help you with those, but discussing the problem and your medication is also a very good thing to do.
Well, keep in mind it doesn't do much for my H either, otherwise I wouldn't be in the sit I'm in now. HOWEVER It could also be your H's technique/or lack there of.
Have you just ever played with each other? The fantasy things. Chocolate syrup (a vinal table cloth upside down or a baby bed pad has its place)...Whipped cream? Might give "desert's on me" a new meaning.
Sometimes a person is so into their own climax and what makes them feel good they forget to lighten up and GIVE to the other. This play style may make the event so silly you can both relax and have that eyecontact moment of togetherness that so often leads to something very satisfying
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
