I have bought the book and read most of it... Seems to me that the book favors the high-sexed partner... Not me.
I am so damned madly in love with my husband, but I just have NO sex drive. I just couldn't be bothered really! It is starting to have a serious effect on things, and I'm terrified that I am going to lose him if I don't do something QUICK, but WHAT??
We went to a marriage councelor, and she just made me feel like utter crap about myself. I went to my GYN, and she ran some labs and said all my hormone and thyroid levels are within norms.
Does H know you're trying? Often thats the best place to start. Ask him what he expects and to show you. Ask him to go slow and be gentle and work with you. Not DEMAND erotica...that seldom works.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
I suppose he realizes I am trying... There is also a 14 year age difference. He's 29, I'm 43. That doesn't help! He is growing increasingly frustrated and unhappy, I am growing increasingly frustrated and hopeless. God, I don't want to lose him! He's my idea of the perfect person!
I couldn't help but notice how you phrased this...." I just couldn't be bothered really!"
Now I'm not attacking you k? Just wanted to make that clear...but that just shouted out to me that you aren't willing to make sex a priority in your M in order to save your M.
Now, perhaps you don't mean it that way...or perhaps it was an unconcious way of phrasing it that actually does hold the key to your problem. I'd like to mention that you don't necessarily have to increase your SD to have a healthy SR w/your spouse....but you do need to make sex a priority if it is important to your H.
FYI, I have an LDH...who did finally get around to reading SSM (he hates to read LOL)...he didn't have the same take on it being directed towards HD people as you did. Just out of curiosity....is it possible you may have read it looking for that slant? Often we find what we look for. I'm not saying you did do this...just asking if you might have unintentionally.
Lastly (for now)....what occupys your day so fully that you don't think about sex w/your H. Is it that you are just really so busy that you have lists of things ticking off in your brain that you have to take care of constantly (some people have this), is it that he is constantly approaching your for sex (is he grabby, angry, persistent?)....or does it literally NEVER cross your mind...EVER?
Also, are there any other issues in your M or in your past that make sex a difficult thing for you. I know this is personal, but is there any abuse in your history?
These are all things that can be factors contributing your the difficulties you are experiencing...we're going to need more to go on in order to try to help you out....and believe me, everyone here is wonderful at trying to help.
We all know how painful this issue is from both sides of the fence. I personally have been LD in a prior M, I'm now the HD spouse...I've hurt from both sides.
Give us all the info you can....don't worry about how long you make it...the more insight you can give the better we can help.
Oh, and to address your "I need to do something quick" statement....if you really feel this way. Begin with finding yourself a good counselor, one that is pro-marriage. If nothing else you and your H are likely to need someone to help you both deal with this issue until you either learn to deal with it....or hopefully work through it. Let your H know you are doing this because YOU want to work this out...it will at least let him know you are trying to do something.
You suppose he knows you're trying? BZZZZZZZZ!!! Don't suppose anything...if you're supposing you aren't talking about it. Communication is going to be key to getting through this.
Just some q's...did you ever enjoy sex with your H? How long has this been an issue? Your post has a sense of urgency...is your H threatening to leave? Was the therapy your idea or his? How come it was such a bad experience?
I was LD for many yrs in my marriage, and looking back, I wish I addressed the problem earlier, not just for the sake of the marriage, but for my own sense of health and happiness as well. It's hard to feel sexual if you are feeling pushed or rushed...so try to relax and hopefully you'll soon be on your way to enjoying this part of yourself.
Ok...so can you give us more info then? Your reply did answer my questions, but you offered no additional info. Gotta tell you....that truly reminded me of my LDH. I had to DRAG stuff out of him.
I'm not saying you are withholding info (really I'm not)...you may have just been in a rush when you posted...but just in case you are afraid/ashamed/embarrassed whatever to post things on here...keep in mind you are annonymous, and the things you are afrad etc to talk about are often the key to the problem.
Here's some info on my LDH. He used to say sex NEVER crossed his mind (reminds me of what you said)...I eventually came to find out, it did cross his mind, just not at convenient times....or he'd think about having sex w/me when I wasn't around...kind of like "oh yeah, I'd like to do that later"...then never mention it to me, and sort of forget about it, he always had more important things to take care of...than me. His SD is slowly coming to life...but he's having to learn to recognize those little sexual urges that he became so accustomed to ignoring or stifling, and therefore he truly did think he NEVER thought about it.
I'm not saying this is the case with you...but it's possible. Let me ask you this...is the thought of having sex w/your H distasteful to you or are you able to get into ML w/him once things get going? My H is someone who in the past has had to have me get EVERYTHING going....once he got into it everything was fine, getting his motor running was the hard part.
I do want you to know though, his SD IS coming to life...but it's taken lots of work from both of us. Lots of understanding from me, lots of being very blunt about how the lack of physical touch has affected me in many ways from me and lots of learning to recognize things he'd learned to stifle for so long...from him.
If you are willing to work on this you and your H have such an advantage compared to many couples...especially if he is willing to work with you.
Please correct me if I'm wrong...I'm just going to give an impression here of what I read...but your tone in your post (when I read it anyway) sounds angry. Are you angry about this or truly desperate to work on this? If you are angry, why?
My LDW was told by her gyno that all her hormones were 'normal' and to go see a psycologist for her LD. We looked into it and the 'normal range' for thyroid hormones has changed over the last few years, plus many people are 'normal' at levels below the 'normal ranges'. We went to an endocrinologist who put her on thyroid hormone, I wish she had gone sooner!! The effects have been dramtic from both a sexual standpoint and also her outlook and physical well being.
Ask your doctor for the results of the test, look at the TSH reading plus look at the other possible thyroid symptoms. Our endocrinologist is treating the symptoms not the 'numbers' with amazing results.
So DGA, have you EVER enjoyed sex? Is there something that your H is not doing that you wish he was (besides leaving you alone)? Do you masturbate? (yeah, it gets pretty personal here on the SSM board). I second everyone's opinion about finding a pro-marriage counselor. You also might want to consider a sex therapist.
And how about asking your H to join us here on the SSM board?
