H called thursday afternoon and had taken some kind of detour and wasnt sure where he was. He asked me to look on the map for him to find out where he should go....he was very short with me. I helped him and he said he was going to go..I could sense the frustration in his voice. About 20 min later, he called back to apologize for yelling at me. I told him thanks, and that I understood it was frustrating. H calling to apologize, itself was a BIG positive!
Friday afternoon, H called me "just to say hi"...I almost dropped to the floor. This is actually the first time he has called me for any other reason than looking something up for him on the computer. WOW...I almost cried!! In the past year, when H would go away for 2-3 days, he would not call at all and like I said, if he did, it would be because he wanted me to do something for him on the computer. We had a good conversation and it was nice to hear the "sincerity" in his voice.
H called me the Sat. morning again too...wow!! I was always planning on calling him, but everytime, he beat me to it, which was such a nice feeling, because it meant that he actually wanted to talk to me, instead of him just talking to me because I had called him. H said he got into a "shuffle" with some guy at the bar the night before, but hardly remembered it. THAT scared me. I dont like when he drinks so much. Which seems to be a lot lately. Sometimes I get really worried that he will end up like his father who is an alcoholic. His father, starts drinking at 10am and drinks all day most days. Back when H and I first started dating, H would get drunk and then cry to me that he was scared he would end up like his dad. I dont even know if he remembers telling me that or not, but I almost want to bring it up to him, just to let him know I get worried sometimes too. Who knows, maybe H thinks since he only drinks couple nights a month (but gets really bombed those nights) that he is not like his father. But I think anyone who loses control when they are drinking, or who cannot just have a couple drinks and know when to stop, has a drinking problem. That is just my opinion, but having a father who is a recovered alcoholic and a brother who is an alcoholic...I just really worry about this kind of thing.
Wow, got waaay off track there...my Sat was so much fun. Friend of mine invited me to come to her apt and sit by the pool with her for the afternoon and then later her fiance and his "bachelor party" were going to meet us and other friends and party for while and then go to Dave and Busters to play some games. So I went, knowing I would not know anyone but friend who invited me and her fiance, but I thought, I can still have fun, and I did! We sat in the sun (90 degree weather) for 5 1/2 hours! boy was I red!! It was such a good time and really was something for me to be proud of. I would have usually just sat home when H was gone, but now, I had lots to tell him!! I even got hit on..hee hee, which brought my PMA up, even though it was all innocent!
H called again Sunday morning, and I told him about my night. Not sure if he was jealous, or proud of me, but it felt good to be telling him something instead of how I just sat at home!!
Last night I was sad...not sure why. Think I missed my H!! But was also afraid of when he comes home. Why??? Not sure...maybe not sure how he is going to act when he comes home? When I called him last night, he was visiting with his mom, and that got me to start thinking....the last time he had a visit with his mom...last summer, he was telling her how he was in love with OW and didnt want to be with me anymore. Then about every couple months since then, he has been telling her he just didnt have the feelings of being in love with me. Well, the last time he said he had told her that was back at end of January, so now I was just wondering if he was telling her something different. So, I was just sad....and EXHAUSTED..and decided to just go to bed at 8. I took tylenol pm and slept so good til 6 this morning!
While I am nervous about H coming home, I am still very much excited!! I really did miss him ! I told him that on the phone once too, but didnt get response back. I want to go up and give him big hug when he gets home! Just hope I dont chicken out!
Sounds like a wondeful weekend for you 2Much. I am happy and proud you were able to unwind and cut loose a little bit.
DO not sweat the H being short on the phone. You know we men get testy when we get lost. Hate it when the place I want to get to does not magically appear! LOL
As to H returning tonight. Get the tension and worries out of you system. Be you, go into it with no expectations. Have you best smile and warmest hug ready. It is OK to show him you are glad he is home, rather than how you missed him. I think that shows your appreciation for him rather than a sense of dependency on him, this is in my humble opinion of course.
It sounds so wonderful for you. I know it will all go well.
Through honest giving of my love I will recieve 10 fold in return.
Just because a person does not love you in the way you want, does not mean they do not love you!
H got home about 7:30 and had picked up supper for us. When he walked in door, I was so happy to see him! He had his hands full, so I couldnt give him a full, frontal hug, so I hugged him from the side and he leaned into me and put his head on my shoulder! It felt so nice! We talked a bit about his trip and then decided to go to bed and watched a movie. It was good nite and when he rolled over to go to sleep, he rolled back over to see if I was going to kiss him...well at least thats what I got out of it. So I did, kiss him on the cheek and said good nite!
Yesterday H didnt work until afternoon, so he just hung out around house. It was just so nice to have him home! At one time, when H was sitting on floor trying to get a game to work, I came up behind him and wrapped my arms around his chest and hugged. He didnt push me away or back away...so there again, it felt good. Last nite in bed, I asked for a kiss good nite after he rolled over and he rolled back, but only far enough so I could kiss him on the cheek, but at least he rolled over, b4 he just wouldnt, but also I was afraid to ask.
Ok, Im sure some of you think I am such a freak...getting all excited bcuz I am giving the affection, instead of H giving it, but the fact that he is accepting it, is a big thing!!
OH, we were talking about this coming weekend, and I asked H if he was playing in softball tourney and he said he wasnt sure yet. He did say that "Brewfest" was in town this weekend though. (Something he went to last year and stayed at his friends the whole weekend. Im not for sure, but think OW, might have been there.) So after he mentioned it, I said, "so are we going to go?" and he said, "I dont know..depends on if I play in tournament."
So, at least no reaction on me asking if I was going and the fact that he brought it up, maybe his intention was of us going together!!
There is one thing on my mind though..its about when we go back to SD for 11 days. Our plan so far is that I go to see my family for 5 days and then go back up to his family's. Well, the 4th falls in there and I would really like to be with H on that day, since last year on that day,he was with OW and I was with my mom and sister. Its only a 2 hr drive and I really want to ask him to come down for that day, just to spend some time with my family, but again, it makes me anxious to ask him. BEFORE the EA and the IMILWY, I would pretty much tell H what I wanted and if he didnt do it, I would guilt him into it. I dont want this time to be like that. I would just like to suggest it, explain my reasons why and then just let him decide. Does that sound good??? If he does really care and sees how much it would mean to me, he would come, right? I know, I should not have any expectations, because then I just get hurt. But I think we are at a place now, where he should be doing things that he knows matter to me.
Quote: Ok, Im sure some of you think I am such a freak...getting all excited bcuz I am giving the affection, instead of H giving it, but the fact that he is accepting it, is a big thing!!
I completely understand. To have my H go from resisting any affection from me to being accepting of it definately felt good. I'm so happy for you that he is being receptive!
Quote: BEFORE the EA and the IMILWY, I would pretty much tell H what I wanted and if he didnt do it, I would guilt him into it.
I would do the same thing except I would go even further to throwing a temper tantrum. Very immature of me.
Quote: I would just like to suggest it, explain my reasons why and then just let him decide. Does that sound good??? If he does really care and sees how much it would mean to me, he would come, right? I know, I should not have any expectations, because then I just get hurt. But I think we are at a place now, where he should be doing things that he knows matter to me.
I agree that offering to him your request is perfectly fine.
However, here's a thought. You mention that "if he really does care, and sees how much it means to me, he would come". I think, and it's just my opinion, that line of thinking is setting you up for a disappointment. Because if he doesn't go, then the next assumption is that he doesn't care. And maybe, IF he doesn't go, his reason has nothing to do w/how he cares about you. For example, if this would be the first time with your family since your sitch began he may feel very uncomfortable and have a difficult time facing them. (I say this because I know it is an issue for my H). That has nothing to do w/his caring for you and everything to do w/his guilt and not being ready to make that step yet.
Well, that's just a thought. Enjoy the rest of your week. TJ
Geez Tessa, could you be my long lost twin???? I did all those things you did too. I think it was a lot of those things that contributed to the EA. Sucks when I have to admit that...but its the truth!!
Quote: However, here's a thought. You mention that "if he really does care, and sees how much it means to me, he would come". I think, and it's just my opinion, that line of thinking is setting you up for a disappointment. Because if he doesn't go, then the next assumption is that he doesn't care. And maybe, IF he doesn't go, his reason has nothing to do w/how he cares about you. For example, if this would be the first time with your family since your sitch began he may feel very uncomfortable and have a difficult time facing them. (I say this because I know it is an issue for my H). That has nothing to do w/his caring for you and everything to do w/his guilt and not being ready to make that step yet.
Yes, I think you are right...I am setting myself up for diappointment by saying that. But I do know that if H knows that something really means a lot to me, he will do it for me. This isnt the first time he has been with my family, he was with them over Xmas and I dont think that would be why he wouldnt go. The only one in my family that even knows about the EA, is my sister.
Well, I did ask him this morning....it went like this:
ME: "I was just thinking and thought I would throw this idea out there, that my whole family is going to be together on the 4th and thought maybe you could come down for the day to spend with us."
H: Funny look on his face...."How would I get there?" (I will have the car)
Me: "You could use your moms truck our sisters car. Its up to you if you want to come or not. You could just come up the night before and stay that day and then go back, so just one day."
H: "We'll see."
....and I left it a that....will not bring it up again, until H does. Did I do ok???
Positives: 1. Gave H kiss on cheek yesterday b4 he left..he was fine with it. 2. Parent asked H if he had fun on his trip(family reunion) and he said yes, but glad to be home! 3. H and I watched movie last nite and he let me hold his hand. 4. In bed, H put hand on my leg!
2Much- do you think that by being too tentative, you're making H uncomfortable? The reason I ask is that my H used to be so stong and confident in himself. Lately, he seems (and is) so unsure of himself that it's a bit off-putting. I know I have a lot to do with that, shoe's on the other foot kinda thing. It would make a world of difference to me if he started acting like his normal, charming self-or what I considered "charming" back when we first met.
Does that make sense? How did you used to act around him when you were first together and happy? Did you ask for kisses, or did you just give them? Did you spend your holidays together or not? I agree that he may feel nervous around your family, and they may feel the same around him.
I think just being your strong, attractive, confident self will go a long way with your H.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
2Much- do you think that by being too tentative, you're making H uncomfortable?
Hmmm, I never thought it that way. Maybe? I am not sure that I am being too tentative, or at least not enough so that H would notice. This past week, I have been just doing what I want or would have done when we first started dating. When he tells me he is leaving, I go up and kiss him and give him little hug. Then I say goodbye...there is no asking, like I was doing before. So, I am working on making things as comfortable and normal as possible. He seems pretty comfortable with what I have been doing this week too, so thats a positive sign.
I think he is fine with being aroung the family, like I said, the only one who knows is my sister and we were just there for couple days over Christmas time and he seemed pretty comfortable around them. It all comes down to him having to make the decision to be with me instead of his friends for one day. That is the one thing he still struggles with. Where I put our M first before anything, he still seems to make his friends his first priority. He is getting a little better, and hopefully will see why it is so important to put us first, but that will have to be something he discovers on his own. I tried for 4 years to get him to realize that, but of course I could not do it. Plus me telling him didnt work at all!! God knows men dont like to be told what to do!!
So, I am fine with whatever decision he makes about the 4th. Yea, I might be sad if he doesnt come, but I wont let him see it. I will just be understanding. Obviously, pressuring him right now is not a good idea...not when things seem to be going so well...and its all been on his time...
H and I had a great weekend! I love weekends when we get to spend some time together!
Positives from weekend:
1.We went out to eat on Sat afternoon, in between games of his softball tournament. Some how we got started talking about the weekend coming up, when we are going home and H asked me what my plans were. I told him on Sat when we get there, Im going to sleep a bit and then drive to my famlies house and stay with them until Tuesday or Wednesday. He then said, "so when I come, am I staying til Tuesday or what?" (1st positive, he said hes coming down for the 4th!!) Then I said, "its up to you, you can just stay for the day on Monday if you want, its totally up to you. I just appreciate you coming on that day!"
2. H mentioned that when we are home, we should go bowling with his sister and BIL sometime when we are there!!
3. H was very considerate of my needs and my feelings when we were at the softball tournament. I didnt know anybody, so sat by myself when H was playing, which in past years would have bothered me, but this time I was fine with it. He even mentioned, "Im sorry you dont know anybody." To which I replied, "thats ok, some of the SO talked to me a little bit." Showed him a little more of my new independent side.
4. I was talking about all the stuff I want to get done before we leave on Friday and he said, "make me a list of stuff you want me to do." I sure will!! Its so nice that he helps out with stuff now, w/ out me even having to ask!
5. I brought up my sister and BIL (BIL has been away at guards since end of March and sister home alone with 2 small girls) (Also BIL was one to confront H on his EA and tell him he needed to decide what he was going to do, becuz he wasnt being fair to me --this was last summer some time, so H and BIL have not seen each other since then...)ANYWAYS....H actually talked about them, usually he would not say anything or just listen and then change subject. But this time he actually participated in the conversation.
Im sure there are plenty more...but these are the ones that stuck out the most in my mind! I just feel so good. I remember back when we planned this long trip back home, I was kind of nervous...plus thought H and I would not see each other the whole time! But now hes coming to spend time with my family (my brothers like H a lot and like when he comes), wants us to do something with his sister and BIL AND he invited me to his HS reunion!! WOO HOO!!
OMG-- One of the most important things I forgot to post!! I have been doing South Beach Diet thing..kind of, just trying to stay away from starchy carbs and I did really well last week, lost 4 lbs! Well, last night we got breaded chix from BK and I said, " I can eat the fries, I didnt eat too bad this past week." And H replied, "You did very good with eating last week. Good job!" WOW. WOW. WOW!!! A compliment for ME!!!
I did all those things you did too. I think it was a lot of those things that contributed to the EA. Sucks when I have to admit that...but its the truth!!
