Well the party went very well!! H was so surprised and didnt have a clue at all! The look on his face was enough for me (even though a thank you would have been nice) to let me know that he appreciated it!! More people showed up than I thought would and it was so nice. Plus no one ended up getting real drunk, so it was a nice, card playing party.
Here is a positive...H got one of his friends fiance's email address so that we can keep in touch. Good sign? I do think so..if he was planning on getting out of my life, I cant see why he would want me to be friends with his friends, right??
Ok. trying not to let this one little thing bother me, because over the past 3 days there have been soooooo many positives, but if I get it off my chest, I will feel better.
When one of our female friends left the party last night, H hugged her..NO, Im not jealous..shes engaged..its not about that, its about how he can hug someone he hardly ever sees, but for me to get a simple hug..there is just no chance. It hurt, but only for a while....
its about how he can hug someone he hardly ever sees, but for me to get a simple hug..there is just no chance. It hurt, but only for a while....
It's because hugging you would mean something to each of you, something he isn't ready to feel or have you feel. In my case, my W has touched me something like twice in the 11 months we have been separated. Literally twice, a hand on my arm twice during difficult moments. For her, touching threatens that emotional wall she has erected to protect her resolve to continue on the D path she has chosen. Perhaps it is similar for your H.
KTF- I do many 180's and also "tease" my H to see his reaction. I find him checking me out all the time, but then I think he just wants sex. Which is fine..I love the sex...but a hug or kiss would be nice to...just out of the blue!
JRB-
It's because hugging you would mean something to each of you, something he isn't ready to feel or have you feel. In my case, my W has touched me something like twice in the 11 months we have been separated. Literally twice, a hand on my arm twice during difficult moments. For her, touching threatens that emotional wall she has erected to protect her resolve to continue on the D path she has chosen. Perhaps it is similar for your H.
You could be right on that part..I dont think its because he doesnt ever want to do it, but maybe he is afraid. Maybe he wants to be sure he is willing to give our M it all before he shows me affection. That way he wont have to hurt me so much again.
Last night, I went and we sat on couch together..me sitting under his legs while he layed on couch. There was a time when he put his hand on my knee and was like he was going to rub it, but then realized what he was doing and pretended he was scratching his knuckles...(hard to explain) but it was like he wanted to do that, but then became afraid, or it was weird for him because he has not done it in so long. I remember feeling that same way after the EA. I loved touching my H, and starting to do it again was a little uncomfortable at first.
I wonder if I should have said anything, like "its ok, you can do that..I like it"..or something..I dont know. But it was nice to see that maybe hes trying?!!
Yesterday was another great day! I just feel like we are getting so much closer! Its such a great feeling..I feel safe now...I really dont think he is going to leave! Then *secureness* of our M is finally there!
Quote: Yesterday was another great day! I just feel like we are getting so much closer! Its such a great feeling..I feel safe now...I really dont think he is going to leave! Then *secureness* of our M is finally there!
This is wonderful news and such a great post. I am happy to hear this. You (and I) need to hold on to that security, especially when we want to daoubt it. It is evident that things are taking an upturn and you (we) need to find the actions that we do and continue to do these things.
As to the physical touch, IMHO, we need to be secure that it will come in time. You might try what you suggested in letting your H know it is alright. Just monitor the results and see how he reacts. Go in with no expectations of what will happen. I need to do that more, nor expectations. You might indeed make the initiation for a first kiss goodnight, again monitor the reaction and decide if it is a right choice to do. He may indeed be waiting to see if it is alright. This may be a clue for him that it is alright.
I am glad you are seeing such great positives in your R right now.
Good for YOU!
Through honest giving of my love I will recieve 10 fold in return.
Just because a person does not love you in the way you want, does not mean they do not love you!
Today was pretty good one! H did lots of AOS for me, so I wanted to come up with some way to thank him for doing so much! I made him supper and did a little flirting...was kind of fun, but sometimes, just not sure how he takes it. Anyways, I seduced him..and of course he like that! Then I asked if I could shower with him and he said yes. Been a long time since we showered together.
Afterwards, we sat on couch together and watched TV. He had softball game tonite and it was late, so I asked him if he would be disappointed if I didnt go to his game tonite. His response was "should I be?"...Not sure how to take that, but I just let it go and said, "I knew you would probably understand that I wouldnt want to go because it is too late and I have to get up early." Should I read into his response?? Probably not!
Ok, I did a bad....I read an old email from H, back in Jan, saying how he still had no feelings for me and that he had tried, but still did not love me or want to hug or kiss me and that he thought we should talk about where and what we should do next. Then, I deleted it! Now I cant read it again. I should have never read it in the first place. Now, I am reading into things and wondering about certain things that I was so sure about.
WHACK!! Yes, I need one!! All those insecurities came flooding back again...so I need to stop focusing on them and realize that the things he IS doing, he would not be doing if he really did not feel that things were better, right?
Tomorrow is a new day, I need to focus on the positives!!
Hi, I just read your post, very similar to my H. He gives me an occasional hug, sometimes a kiss on the cheek, but we have not had sex in alomost 6 months,and he sleeps on the couch. We are communicating well, and talking about stuff. I don't quite understand the physical distance. I get so frustrated, but my therapist told me that it will take time, and i have to be patient. It is his way of protecting himself,and even me. Until he is absolutely sure he wants our marriage saved, he will probably be like this. I try to flirt a little now and again, and he also makes comments about how I look, tells me I look good. Tonight we went shopping and he picked out a dress for me to wear to my sons graduation. It was much shorter and tightfitting then something I normally would buy, but I was thrilled that he chose it, and liked how I looked in it. I guess this is a good start. I just keep praying that one of these days he would let down his guard and want to be intimate with me again.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
It's amazing how we disect every little action trying to figure out what's going on. Every little touch, move, word says so much. Before the "crisis", in my home anyway, we went about our lives with little or no consciousness. I mean, we were just at ease, calm, relaxed. I could wear my sweats if I wanted, laze around on a Saturday, etc. Now when H is around, I have to be aware of every little thing.
Hang in there friend.
You know, when you were talking about your trip and hanging out with lovey dovey couples, do you have any couples you two could go out with? Let him see how married folks are supposed to act?
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Kind of ironic..I would rather have the hugs and kisses and you want the sex. Yes, you need to be patience!! I have been patience for almost 9 months and I still continue to be patient, because when I am NOT patient, it pushes my H too much and then he backs away and its like we have to start all over again.
I agree that is how he is protecting you and I am glad you pointed that out, because it helps me to see that maybe that is what my H is doing too. I guess then when H finally feels safe in our M and that it is going to work, he will start giving me the affection I need, just like your H will too! Hang in there!!
FYI- My H has only initated sex with me 2x in the past 9 months..so I know how you feel!
Hey there Mel..been trying to get to your thread...and I will, I promise!
It's amazing how we disect every little action trying to figure out what's going on. Every little touch, move, word says so much. Before the "crisis", in my home anyway, we went about our lives with little or no consciousness. I mean, we were just at ease, calm, relaxed. I could wear my sweats if I wanted, laze around on a Saturday, etc. Now when H is around, I have to be aware of every little thing.
Funny I was just thinking about that same thing the other night! There are some days I just dont feel like "being pretty" or "always wearing a smile", so will it be ok to have those days? It better be, God knows H has them, right? If he is gonna want to be with me in the M, then he is going to have to want to be with me on my "not so pretty" days too!
You know, when you were talking about your trip and hanging out with lovey dovey couples, do you have any couples you two could go out with? Let him see how married folks are supposed to act?
We do have friends that act like real married couples. They are not the very few that are all over each other all the time. He probably got all his ideas of how a marriage was supposed to be from watching TV...hee hee...its all good on TV...but real life...YEAH RIGHT!!
I think he is finally starting to see that we are a normal, happy married couple. Now if he would only want to hug or kiss me!!
Horoscope for the day: If the nature of a key relationship does not alter soon, you fear you will implode. One of the problems in the situation is that you are holding far too much back - or that you are saying and doing plenty but it is seemingly having no impact. It seems to you as if you are the one who has to make all the effort - and that is exhausting. The trouble is you care; far too much to just let the whole thing drop. What you want is for someone else to make a gesture. Very soon this is going to happen.
Wow, could this have been a better horoscope or what? So crazy how these are so right about what is going on in my life!! I sure hope H makes a gesture soon!!
H was so surprised and didnt have a clue at all! The look on his face was enough for me (even though a thank you would have been nice) to let me know that he appreciated it!! More people showed up than I thought would and it was so nice. Plus no one ended up getting real drunk, so it was a nice, card playing party. 
Then, I deleted it! Now I cant read it again. I should have never read it in the first place. Now, I am reading into things and wondering about certain things that I was so sure about. 
