Well, we had a GREAT trip! It was so nice seeing H catch up with his old buddy. That was probably the most they have talked since his buddy moved to CA to join Marines about 10 years ago! I had some rough times, just thinking back to where we were the last time I was out there visiting them and H was with OW. Boy, we sure have come a long way. The hardest thing for me though, was seeing how our friends interacted..all the hugging, kisses, and ILY...was hard to take in. I longed for that from my H so much!!
I struggled a lot with wondering if H is really trying here and if we will ever get to a point to where I am satisfied with our M. Wondering if I am going to end up becoming the WAS this time. But then, I checked my email and found this:
Today's thought is:
There are important steps I need to take if I want new relationships to last.
I need to allow a new relationship to grow in a healthy way by giving it the time it needs. When I go too fast in a relationship, necessary stages are overlooked, and I might find myself in a relationship destined to fail. When trees are planted and their roots aren't given enough time to grow deeply into the soil, they're sure to fall during a storm. When the roots are given time to grow slowly, strongly, and deeply, they will most likely weather any storm.
Relationships can be similar, because when they're taken too quickly, they're likely to fail at the first sign of difficulty. But if given the time to grow, they will withstand the winds of turmoil and crisis. If I meet someone I want to be with, I can care for our relationship by not going too fast. I will remind myself that a tree needs tender care and nurturing to grow and flourish, not fertilizers and chemicals that force it to grow faster.
Today I will take care of my new relationship by understanding what it takes to make it strong and lasting.
WEll, I guess that was my answer. When a R goes slower, it grows so much better. We are now starting our NEW M, and while doing that are building a better friendship than we ever had before. I just need to keep listing the positives, so that I keep seeing how our M is moving forward, ever so slowly, but it is moving forward.
So positives from past couple days: 1. H was very considerate of my feelings the whole weekend. 2. I called H "honey" a couple times and he seemed ok with it. 3. Last nite I just crawled up into H arms while laying in bed and he was ok with it. 4. I told H he could play with my hair, and after a while, he did. (he likes to do this and used to do it WAY back in beginning of our R, but I would get mad and tell him to stop.) 5. H allowed me to lay my head on his shoulder when on the plane. 6. We had some good conversations over the past couple days...
Things I need to work on: 1. Stop focusing so much on what I am not getting, but rather what things H IS doing for me! 2. Maybe try to initiate a little more affection..not too much, but little bits at a time..if I feel H withdraw, then slow back down. 3. Learn to relax a bit and not allow the negative thoughts or doubts enter my mind. H can probably "feel" when I am having those times....
