Journaling...

Well, let see...its been a pretty cruddy week. H has been very irritable, withdrawn, etc. Not sure what is going on and there is no way for me to figure it out w/out him telling me....

Last night we went out to eat. I tried to make conversation, to no avail, mostly because I was asking about him and his job and stuff. Finally we got on subject of shed, softball...stuff we do together and our conversation took off.
Then he brought up the *dreaded* HS reunion. He said it might be 2nd weekend in July, and we had already planned a week off the weekend before that to go home. So, he says, we can leave Thurs and he is going to stay home until the next weekend!! WHAT!! Nice of him to discuss these plans with me or even see what works for me. He da@@ well knows I cant take off that much time...maybe thats why he did that. So then I said, so we have to drive separate cars?? What the hell!!! Its a 11 hour drive!! Then I say, well cant we just leave friday night and then I can take the whole next week of, because Monday is a holiday for me anyways? He's not sure...why?? Why does he NEED to be back home for 2 whole weekends? Does he have some plans to see someone or what?? I guess he doesnt remember the whole discussion we had about a month ago about him coming to see my family for a couple days first...guess they dont friggen matter!!! Ok, by this time I was boiling mad!! Again, selfish H only thinking of him and what he wants to do!

So, I sat there in silence and thought, "Why do I want to be with this man? He could care less if I am here or with him.." Who knows, maybe that is his plan, to get me to be so angry and end up hating him that I ask for a D!

Finally I decided I am not going to let HIM ruin MY night! So I started in with some more conversation. After eating we went to look at the shed we are thinking of putting in backyard, then I had him stop so I could pick him up some candy bars (I had eaten all of the ones he had bought and he didnt get any) I thought that was a nice gesture! We went home and watched TV together..it is our routine that on Thursday nights we sit on couch together and watch all our shows. I didnt even have to ask him this time. I scratched his arm and rubbed his chest and stomach.

Then, right before getting ready for bed, we got to talking about softball. H got all angry and was yelling! What the heck!! Its only softball!! Not really any reason to get all upset! Made me kind of wonder if maybe something else is bothering him, that would make him get so upset. I remained calm and asked if we could just discuss it instead of arguing about it. Finally he listened, and we got it settled. He ended saying that he will not play next year (its a CO-ED team and we have been managers each year and it gets harder and harder to get people to play and finds subs and such and it really causes problems between us), unless someones decides to manage it and tells him when, what time and where to be.

Later in bed, I told him I totally understood and also felt softball is not worth us fighting about every year and that I understood his decision not to do it next year. Not sure if it made a difference or not, but I hoped it did.

He just seemed tense the rest of the nightrolled over in bed, so I just said good night and tried to sleep myself, but couldnt...WAY too much on my mind!!

So I am wracking my brain as to what is bothering H, and if there is any way for me to find out. But then again, I just want to forget about it, be happy and enjoy MY life...and not worry about him. There is nothing I can do unless he comes to me and decides to talk.

Yesterday and last night I did notice my H looking at me...it was weird...at one point I said, is there something on your mind or something you want to say? But he said no. Not sure what to think about that either.