One day at a time...baby steps!

[2much]

I hope everyone is able to find me...I got locked up before being able to make post my new thread!

I was trying to think of different post names, thought about "Looking towards the future", but many days that is too hard..thought about "Leaving the past in the past", but that is also hard. So, "One day at a time....baby steps" its about all I can handle right now.


Self As Sanctuary
Being Always At Home
It is natural to become attached to the people, places, and things in our lives that provide us with a sense of consistency and stability, but it is important to remember that no matter how reliable they are for a time, they are subject, as all things are, to the law of impermanence. As the world around us changes, one thing we can always count on is our relationship with ourselves.

This may seem obvious, but we often forget to turn to ourselves when we need support and love, looking instead to outside sources. We can feel disappointed when we don't get what we need from the people in our lives. While receiving love and support from outside ourselves is valuable, it is also vital to remember that we carry within us an unlimited source of love and support. We can always turn within and find what we need, taking our rightful seat in the sanctuary of our Selves.

Not everyone has easy access to this inner haven, but have no doubt that it is there. It is often necessary to spend time alone in order to find it. Make a conscious effort to take time to explore your inner space. Even if only for five minutes a day, close your eyes and breathe deeply, tuning into your inner being. Greet yourself as a trusted friend and relax into the experience of just being there. The more time you spend in this space, the more you will understand and trust yourself.

Affirmations can also help return you to the strength and support within. Remind yourself: No matter what happens, I will always love and support myself. No matter who rejects me, I will always be here for myself. I am the source of my own safety and abundance. As you say these powerful words, you will see their truth, and you will know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that you are the most reliable friend and the safest haven you could ever want.


This is my new, fresh start. I have been so much into making sure H is happy and working on us...I just have let myself and my life go. I spent 3 hours just working on things I have put aside for the past 3 months...and I got most of it done and it felt GREAT!!

So here is my new affirmation to say each day, "No matter what happens, I will always love and support myself. No matter who rejects me, I will always be here for myself. I am the source of my own safety and abundance. "

[2much]

I guess I should post some positives before I get lost all up in the negatives....

1. Last night H asked me where I was going and when I would be home.
2. H came in to workout while I was working out.
3. H cleaned up after supper.

Yea..positives, but not much. Not so sure about anything anymore..dont know how to get myself out of this slump..I wake up..feeling positive and then H gets up...we dont talk...he leaves without a hug or kiss...its just depressing...I dont want to live in a loveless M any more than he does..but I dont know how much love I have left to give him.

[2much]

Here's my post from before....
Communication Skills Need Some Improvement

[Fighting4Wife]

2 much,

You can help me through me helping you. Define what a marriage full of love is?

What does it look like, describe it.

When you have done that how are those things being met? To me I need to do the same thing. Are the basics being met before the others can take place.

I look at your positives and they meet some of the criteria for a good relationship. I see them in yours and in mine. I want more as do you, but we know this will be a long process. How can we get there faster? I do not think we can. We need to be patient and give space. Hardest for me is the patience part. We do for us and for them unconditionaly and try and not feel slighted.

This sounds really morbid and weird but it came to me. If our S were seriously hurt and incapable of physical affection (hugging, kissing, ML) would we abandon them? I do not know if it corrolates or not, but would we love them less, do less for them, feel cheated? It is not a realistic analogy because the sitches say it is not, but food for thought.

You do so much, have endured so much, and have tried so hard. I know it will come in time. I hope mine will too.

Wishes and prayers for you.

[2much]

WOW F4W!! Thanks for that!! You sure did make me do some good thinking.

Define what a marriage full of love is?
It certainly is different in every marriage, that is for sure. Me, personally, I need to feel loved, by getting affection and hearing ILY (My big LL). But- its also where you do and care for each other unconditionally. You share each others day, and are intersted in each others lives. There is plenty more, but I could be writing for days...hee hee.

Are the basics being met before the others can take place.
I guess if I look at our M now, the basics are being met. We share our days with each other, we share the same bed, we do things for each other that we know the other person appreciates, to let them know we care about them. We go out on dates, and go out with other couples. Im sure there would be more if I dug deeper. So I guess in a sense, the basics are a form of "friendship" that will in turn become so much more in the marriage, right?!

If our S were seriously hurt and incapable of physical affection (hugging, kissing, ML) would we abandon them?
Of course not! That is a very good way of looking at things!! WOW! That is where the unconditional love comes in...and right now, if they are unable to recipricate, I can be patient!

A friend and I were talking yesterday and I asked her if maybe that one of my H LL could be affection, because of the fact that he is constantly asking the kids for hugs and kisses. (Because he is not getting them from me) A couple weeks ago, before he told me "his feelings had not changed", I was showing him affection...nice little back rubs, shoulder rubs, hugs from behind, hugs before he left for work, etc. Then when I was doing all that and not getting any in return, is when I started asking for affection from him and pushing him. Well, when he said those words to me, I stopped! Not sure if it was because I was afraid or angry or what, but I stopped doing that stuff.

But now, seeing him going to the kids for the affection makes me wonder if maybe he is missing it? So I am going to try to start it up again WITHOUT any expectations!!!!

Baby steps, right?

[Fighting4Wife]

2 Much,

Glad to see it helped. I will do the same on my thread. I am going out of town for work for the day and do not have time here. We are in the same boat. Affection is my LL for sure. Not necessarily my W's.

The little things we do, IMHO, breed this affection. It is that which we need to focus on. Small Steps lead to walking a long ways over time.

[2much]

Journaling...

Well, let see...its been a pretty cruddy week. H has been very irritable, withdrawn, etc. Not sure what is going on and there is no way for me to figure it out w/out him telling me....

Last night we went out to eat. I tried to make conversation, to no avail, mostly because I was asking about him and his job and stuff. Finally we got on subject of shed, softball...stuff we do together and our conversation took off.
Then he brought up the *dreaded* HS reunion. He said it might be 2nd weekend in July, and we had already planned a week off the weekend before that to go home. So, he says, we can leave Thurs and he is going to stay home until the next weekend!! WHAT!! Nice of him to discuss these plans with me or even see what works for me. He da@@ well knows I cant take off that much time...maybe thats why he did that. So then I said, so we have to drive separate cars?? What the hell!!! Its a 11 hour drive!! Then I say, well cant we just leave friday night and then I can take the whole next week of, because Monday is a holiday for me anyways? He's not sure...why?? Why does he NEED to be back home for 2 whole weekends? Does he have some plans to see someone or what?? I guess he doesnt remember the whole discussion we had about a month ago about him coming to see my family for a couple days first...guess they dont friggen matter!!! Ok, by this time I was boiling mad!! Again, selfish H only thinking of him and what he wants to do!

So, I sat there in silence and thought, "Why do I want to be with this man? He could care less if I am here or with him.." Who knows, maybe that is his plan, to get me to be so angry and end up hating him that I ask for a D!

Finally I decided I am not going to let HIM ruin MY night! So I started in with some more conversation. After eating we went to look at the shed we are thinking of putting in backyard, then I had him stop so I could pick him up some candy bars (I had eaten all of the ones he had bought and he didnt get any) I thought that was a nice gesture! We went home and watched TV together..it is our routine that on Thursday nights we sit on couch together and watch all our shows. I didnt even have to ask him this time. I scratched his arm and rubbed his chest and stomach.

Then, right before getting ready for bed, we got to talking about softball. H got all angry and was yelling! What the heck!! Its only softball!! Not really any reason to get all upset! Made me kind of wonder if maybe something else is bothering him, that would make him get so upset. I remained calm and asked if we could just discuss it instead of arguing about it. Finally he listened, and we got it settled. He ended saying that he will not play next year (its a CO-ED team and we have been managers each year and it gets harder and harder to get people to play and finds subs and such and it really causes problems between us), unless someones decides to manage it and tells him when, what time and where to be.

Later in bed, I told him I totally understood and also felt softball is not worth us fighting about every year and that I understood his decision not to do it next year. Not sure if it made a difference or not, but I hoped it did.

He just seemed tense the rest of the nightrolled over in bed, so I just said good night and tried to sleep myself, but couldnt...WAY too much on my mind!!

So I am wracking my brain as to what is bothering H, and if there is any way for me to find out. But then again, I just want to forget about it, be happy and enjoy MY life...and not worry about him. There is nothing I can do unless he comes to me and decides to talk.

Yesterday and last night I did notice my H looking at me...it was weird...at one point I said, is there something on your mind or something you want to say? But he said no. Not sure what to think about that either.

[Fighting4Wife]

So twists the dreaded rollercoaster.

2 much, it is what it is. We are unable to facilitate change in them if we worry about them. We can only hope for change through our change. I hear the discouragement in your H actions and plans. To what avail will getting mad be? None.

A simple statement of the difficulties of taking that much time of work, traveling in seperate cars, etc. could be helpful if done in a non angry tone and in a validative way. I do not know if it will be beneficial but best to be open with him about it and not be false about your feelings.

As to him having something on his mind, do not press it. I am sure he does. You need to check my post later today on my thread on WHAT NOT TO DO in this situation. What you want to do I did. It is not pretty and I messing up my M more through my actions. I will definitely get my A$$ chewed by everyone on this BB that is keeping up with my sitch.

Do the seemingly impossible. Work on you. Make yourself happy. "Drop the rope" with him and let him figure out what it is he wants and needs. Do not let his insensitivity or callousness towards you destroy what you are building for yourself.

Hang tough Girl!

F4W

[Fighting4Wife]

2Much,

Just getting back to my other suggestion on your sitch:

Define what a marriage full of love is?

To me a marriage full of love is placing the needs of the other person in front of your own personal needs. To feel loved through overt acts as well as those more subtle. Touching is huge for me, it allows for physical contact that lets the person know that you are there. Hearing a true ILY and the actions that show that. The abilty to find comfort in your day in the company of your Spouse.

Are the basics being met before the others can take place.

In my case maybe, she is still my W, she is at home, she is trying to please me, she is there physically (not always mentally). I am there physically and menatally though not needed by W (here words). I try and see every actions possible consequence. I need to get back to the "as if" position and just let it flow.

If our S were seriously hurt and incapable of physical affection (hugging, kissing, ML) would we abandon them?

I agree here with you. But in my case it is my LL. It is hard to see my W have no interest in me that way. It is a crushing blow at times to not feel desired or attractive to her. What I need to be able to do is find another LL to speak with her. I only wish I knew hers.


The abandonment of my mental need to be acknowledged is very hard and I am not sure it is possible. How can you ignore that which is so important ot a person. I believe this is where the "as if" attitude comes in. Just to continue to act as if nothing is wrong in M and focus on the positives. Much harder for you in your sitch. Hopefully, in time, all will be able to work out.

[2much]

I was just talking to a friend today and mentioned that right now it is so much harder because I dont know what the problem is with my H. Before when he was in EA, I KNEW what I was up against and had something to "compete" with, but now, I have no idea what is going on inside his head or even what is bothering him. I am not taking it personally, because I KNOW that I have done NOTHING but love the man and do my best to show my love for him. Whatever it is, its something he has to work out himself. I cant help him or even distract him away from whatever it is.

I am going to start coming out with short term goals, for MYSELF, each week. Each day I am going to plan something for ME to either get me out of the house or something that will make me feel good about myself. Its when I was doing this before that H started noticing me more.

I was just thinking about a couple weekends ago, after I had got off the phone with a friend from back home and she told me she is going to go to our "girls weekend", I was so giddy and happy! Well, H noticed and said, "Who were you talking to?" and I told him and asked why and he said, "Well you seem so happy"....hmmmmmm
Maybe its time to bring back the mystery a bit???