I think it's great that you see that you need to change your thought processes in order to have a lasting positive impact on your M. And good for your h for being open with you.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sage, I have a question for you.. it has been 5 months, and I am so weary. I told him that I feel I have this big cloud of doom hanging over my head, his leverage of divorce. He told me that I need to let things go, and to trust him. But so far I am the one making all of the consessions and changes.How much longer must I have to go on with this?
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Sage, Thank you for your help. What do you think the source of the "bad day" is after the fact? Each time we are together I sense his unhappiness with life and that would include me. My best efforts get me no closer to a happy M. Planned or unplanned activities do not seem to matter.
Is it that you get down about not being totally back together? Being with him tells my instincts he isn't doing this for us, it is for our kids. Any reason will do, but the battered empty feeling of rejection is hard to continue with...many of us know that...
Michele would ask "are there times when you don't get down after you go out with him? what's different about those times?" We went to the botanical gardens and enjoyed just walking and holding hands. H said a few complimentary things which made my day. When I can get a compliment to him before we go anywhere it helps sometimes The bad days are defintely attached to fatigue... I have several more journals to look back at. The frustrating part now is I realize I've done a backslide. I will return to walking and eating healthier. It made a big difference. I have no plans for GAL and before I was doing weekly things. When I let H become the focus of my life, I get unhappy. H still is taking care of H first. Not much left for me or D17. I think that I need to detach and really detach.
The stress I feel with H around distresses me, I don't sleep well. I then work on not enough good rest...that makes me crabby which is not my norm. I need to accept the reality of the sitch. Which I haven't been able to even face, yet. Midwest
Sage, I tried to read your thread to get more insight and got half way thru 5/25. I couldn't read because of the tears... So, I'm going try again later to see what it is about the 100%... that touched my heart.
Congrats on grad and the new job...hope your work fun!!
Planning to turn these into tears of joy...in time. midwest
What do you think the source of the "bad day" is after the fact? Each time we are together I sense his unhappiness with life and that would include me. My best efforts get me no closer to a happy M. Planned or unplanned activities do not seem to matter.
So, if I'm reading this correctly you get together, you ASSume he's unhappy (by interpreting his mood? or because of stuff he says?) then you ASSume you are part of his unhappiness and that makes you feel down?
What an evil trick your mind is playing on you! (Mine does it all the time!). Can you talk back to your ASSumptions? Can you act "as if"? Can you plan activities that seem to generate more positive feelings? (movies, exercise, whatever?)
Quote: Is it that you get down about not being totally back together? Being with him tells my instincts he isn't doing this for us, it is for our kids. Any reason will do, but the battered empty feeling of rejection is hard to continue with...many of us know that...
So, more mind activity, huh? I'm not saying it's not hard to shut it off (because I KNOW that it is) but if you're going to let your brain run the show and it's trying to protect you, it will give you worst case scenarios all the time. Don't you think it affects your mood and how you are WITH him? What will it take to shut these thoughts off?
(The book I recommended to Faith "Self-Coaching" is all about this notion).
Quote: Michele would ask "are there times when you don't get down after you go out with him? what's different about those times?" We went to the botanical gardens and enjoyed just walking and holding hands. H said a few complimentary things which made my day. When I can get a compliment to him before we go anywhere it helps sometimes The bad days are defintely attached to fatigue... I have several more journals to look back at. The frustrating part now is I realize I've done a backslide. I will return to walking and eating healthier. It made a big difference. I have no plans for GAL and before I was doing weekly things. When I let H become the focus of my life, I get unhappy. H still is taking care of H first. Not much left for me or D17. I think that I need to detach and really detach.
This list above sounds like a template for goals, don't you think?
Planning activities that you both enjoy
Working on appreciating him verbally
Keeping up your PMA through exercise, etc
Etc.
How about it?
Quote: The stress I feel with H around distresses me, I don't sleep well. I then work on not enough good rest...that makes me crabby which is not my norm. I need to accept the reality of the sitch. Which I haven't been able to even face, yet.
I'm not sure which reality you're referring to but I suspect that it's going to be a pessimistic one, right?
Can you make a bargain with yourself to not judge the interactions for a while? To act "as if" and really focus on getting your pma back up, etc?
Easier said than done. I know. Babysteps for both of you, though...
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sage, I am taking this to heart. I've made a copy to take with us, we are traveling...act as if... That means for us a spontaneous trip. My H is game and D17 says I love it when we are spontaneous with trips. Act as if everything is going well ( and a ritual in our M is this...from the honeymoon on ) I'm promising myself not to think since it seems to be getting me in trouble!! Maps in hand and we are gonna have a good time. midwest
Quote: Can you make a bargain with yourself to not judge the interactions for a while? To act "as if" and really focus on getting your pma back up, etc?
Taking a long car trip stretched my limits beyond belief (LOL). I think that from the first "I don't want to go the long way" H comment that set our typical tone for such a trip. Is my tongue ever sore from biting back comments--a change from more of the same. It did make a diference. I didn't take the bait when he "got tired" right before the major city. He finished that part of the trip (usually I take over and fume). I knew we'd have a repeat long trip if I did not tell him my preference for the way home. Before we left, I explained I preferred to go 45 minutes longer if it kept me out of the city. He agreed to go the other way!!!!!!!! DR miracle. Low and behold they are the same in time traveled (he watched the clock) and it was so much more leisurely. This was success for us.
I am very very much one to make assumptions. I am working hard not to make assumptions but I keep doing it. I felt rejected after the trip--he'd gone home. I ended up calling H and we went out for supper--alone. We talked and H gave me several compliments and was thankful for time with me. 1.I did give positive feedback and thank him for the evening and we actually had a great time.
2. Knowing now a lot of the issues are related to how I percieve what is going on helps. I'm going to get the self coaching book.
3. Plans to walk at lunch and then in evening at home. I can do all these little things...PMA here I come.
4. No stewing over things that happened, no analyzing, no blaming for the next 4 days ( I need to start small here...LOL). I'm going to act as if life is going my way
It is going to be an excellent week--only 4 to work Midwest
Journaling sorta I am angry. I am so upset. I am running up and down a cheeseless tunnel for the 31 year. H has a need (car) and I'm supposed to fix it. I am so upset I am so frustrated H is going to use the kids to manipulate this--already did I am so angry. How do I get to a different tunnel?????????????? It sounds so easy to change tunnels. NOT. So, do I get the vehicle that he has been nagging me about so he can take mine scot free. Oh, he is willing to license the other vehicle with his car license--NO WAY, it is only in his name. H is not willing to pay for a new car, or to support our D17 or the rent he promised to pay. Feels taking me out to eat is sufficient support. Why am I in this M. Hopefully it will look better in the morning. H has D17 car-D17 paid for her own car. Tomorrow H is taking D20 best car until I make arrangements. I am so angry. No H never paid a single dollar on the vehicle I drive. H only spent money on toys for H. What am I doing.
Quote: How do I get to a different tunnel?????????????? It sounds so easy to change tunnels. NOT.
Yes finding another tunnel is hard but you need to see what is wrong with the tunnel you are in right now. To me it seems like you still are not able to talk to your H about money, right. The fact that you are not living together and that you have your own wants and needs. You need to change your mind set to I need to think about me first and no one else right now, that really helped me when things were really bad.
I will tell you the thought process that I had. I was getting paid everyother week I was taking only 600.00 of my almost 900.00 check and putting it into our joint checking account, the other 300.00 was going to my take care of me fund. Some was getting stashed so if I needed money for a lawyer reatiner I would have it and the other was going for me to GAL. Whether it was for D and I to go to a movie or for me to just get out of the house for a night. Also I was making sure that the bills that were in my name were the ones that were getting paid on time and I did though make sure that I was covering half of the household expenses like the house payment and the utlities minus the cable (I can live without that). So basicly I was taking care of me first, D second and H third. I think that is the stand that you need to try and take with your H. And if you do get the car for your H DO NOT let him put it in his name espcially if you are buying it for him, if your M does end that is your asset not his, just CYA on this. If he gets angry let him, but you may be surprised what happens. When you talk to him about the car Act As If, you already know that it is OK with him that the car will be in your name and not his. I know easier said than done, as is everything with DR.
