I know already he kept them to keep me. It was blindingly obvious from day 1. I have always known that. DD1 looks exactly like me, as well. She's like a smaller version of me and even he says that all the time.
He could never make up his mind and his heart was never in this separation (I had to divorce him, he wouldn't and he didn't sign) which is why I keep trying.
Also, he has my girls and I'm lonely. I do try to GAL but it isn't the same. When we were together I had a H, 3 girls, pg with 4th, a house to run and 2 businesses. I feel like legally there is nothing more I can do and improving my communication with H is the only way, whether that leads to reconciliation or not.
My problem is, he isn't truthful with me so I am scared of trying to communicate in case it isn't genuine, and I'm scared of taking on time with the girls in case he behaves like I described in a previous post. I got very upset by that and don't want to feel that bad again.
I do love him but I'm not madly head over heels, IFKWIM, we did have 8 really wonderful years and we were friends 6 years before that, so I can't erase history. He was a fairly good H before he left - all the nasty stuff came after. Sometimes I think I am in love, but that usually after sex so I reckon that's the sex talking, rather than my brain. The rest of the time I know I love him but not in love with him.
If I had the girls, I would have given him less chances, but he would have been round here trying to reconcile because he couldn't have lived without all of us. It is easier to be separated if you still have your family. I don't know what I would have done.
I just think that I can't have another family with someone else as I've had 7 pregnancies and various health problems and then being disabled, it's kind of more difficult to attract male attention anyway.
Even if I did start from the beginning again, the new baby wouldn't be my dd's anyway and H would probably still do what he does, so it seems easier to work on his obvious feeling for me and try to reunite this family.
I'm having a downer because the 'on', 'off' is difficult to deal with and I was looking at photos for my website so that set me off too.
Tomorrow is another day. My PMA will no doubt go up again soon.
