Again, you and H seemed locked into this child issue which has its roots in that very vicious D process. Its completely understandable, but if you truly want some progress in the sitch, you're going to have to start avoiding this cheeseless tunnel.
Send him a very objective, cold response (by cold I mean brief with no emotion): "The visitation with DD4 will be 4 hours. We can discuss mutually convenient start/end times. If you are asking to open up all visitation arrangements for all four of our children, I'd be glad to talk about expanding visitation each of us to have more time with our children, as they would benefit from knowing both of us better." No argument, an invitation for more contact, and a friendly tone will go a long way, Jo. If he presses for self-serving changes, again brief, boundary setting: "No, that won't do at all. Again, if you are willing to alter all visitation arrangements for all four of our children to give each of us more time with them, I'd be glad to discuss this with you."
I don't know if pulling away when this comes up is such a great idea. Do you trust yourself to be firm with him without expressing anger/resentment about the past?
My view on this issue with him is that more time with the kids will solidy your "family" indirectly and will move you toward your goal of reuniting with him. It would also disprove/erase his insulting doubts of you as a mother.
