Well today my phone rang but I knew it was him so I didn't answer. I'd had an emotional day sending dd for her first try at pre-school, I was listening to 'Schindler's List' classical music and thinking about the holocaust because I was already upset about dd so I didn't really want to speak to H just then.
He rang a second time and left a message - I just knew I was right, it was him.
I ignored his message - I so did not want to speak to him. Found an email from him saying
'Can you unblock me or call me, please? Ta.'
I ignored the email.
Then he rang a third time so I answered. Of course, he chose this moment to discuss contact issues so we talked about that and managed to iron out when etc quite nicely with each other.
Then he asked for 8 days holiday with Alicia, which made me lose my temper a bit given the little he lets me be involved with the others, but nonetheless, I said yes, mainly because it's camping which Alicia would like. I however, will be on my own for 8 days
Then he tells me he wants to be involved with dd's pre-school and I DID lose my temper then, because when Lucia went to pre-school, he never even told me which one it was and refused to tell me when I asked. I was not allowed to go there.
I completely broke all DB'ing rules and reeled off a long list of things he'ds done with regards to the kids and how he never lets me into their lives and now he expects me to involve him with Alicia's pre-school?
He didn't get angry back, and didn't even say anything to excuse this, but again stated he wanted involvement with her pre-school, so I said there was no bl**dy way unless he went with me because he'd probably kidnap her. I was fuming!!
He said he would go with me. I said I'd introduce him to her teachers once, and if he let me down with regards to her, even once, I would tell them not to let him in. I reminded him all doors are locked.
He said all that stuff was in the past and he wouldn't do it again. I said I don't believe you - honestly, I was as mad as hell. I said if it was all in the past you'd let me be involved with the others.
He said he could drop her off at pre-school one day as a favour to me. I said I'm not sure about that one. He said I'll drive you to college on Saturday. I said yes to that one.
He asked about my book (I don't know why?) and have I got a publisher for it? I said yes.
He said he knows a publisher so if my publisher falls through, he can tell me the name of the other one. I said okay. This was quite amazing since he hates my book and I'd just spent ages telling him what a pig I thought he was about the kids.
He said see you Saturday and we hung up.
I spent the rest of this night in tears, looking at baby photos of my kids and bawling my head off. Then I sent ex-ow an email with an extract from my book about when I lost the kids and how I try my best for him and this family but just sometimes I want to bury him under the patio.
That probably wasn't the greatest thing to do. I am just missing my babies.
Hopefully he will still take me to college and I won't blow that meeting.
