Some weird things have happened to me the last 2 days.
Yesterday was my dad's 74th birthday (he's in the afterlife) and I awoke to find this HUGE white dove sitting on this baby tree in the middle of my garden. It just stayed there for easily half an hour and me and dd sat watching it the whole time.
I have never seen doves in my garden before, and it was the day Andy came round and my dad's birthday. I couldn't help wondering if he sent me the dove.
Then today I went to the supermarket and as I walked in, this woman shouted 'Andy, come here please!' in Greek. I stopped in my tracks because I've never met any other Greek people here apart from in my family and her little boy was Andray, the Greek version of my H's name.
Weird.
I know it's not to do with DB'ing but I just wanted to share that.
If the email your H sent you was after a spat and he was angry when he sent it, he may not mean most of what he said. I know that if I get upset with W and say some bad things it takes me a long time to figure out how to makeup to her. You can win him back with a PMA and your expertise in DBing.
Mother's Day evening we spent 3 hrs at a Casino that she invited me to go to with her. We had one of the best conversations in a decade. I swallowed my pride many times so I would not get angry, by controlling my "mouth" when she said something I didn't like, she opened up more and more.
I finally told my XW that I wanted to go to C for anger management. I am a person who cares maybe too much for others, too much for the their well being and I was too much of a perfectionist.
Anger has won me a lot of battles, but I will lose the war if I don't change. If I ever want a positive R with XW or get remarried to her I need to find some way to control myself when she does things that I have a right to be mad about but getting mad or arguing with her will turn her more sour.
Jo, if you and your H get angry at each other when you don't agree I think he may continue getting cold feet. You may have to let him control some aspects of the childrens educ. and discipline that you what more input in to save the overall R. (I am not saying no input forever)
I have a hunch it would help you as well as myself to learn some negotiation skills that keep us from getting upset and angry. Anger will lead to an arguement and our DB points we gain will again be erased. (I know in both of our sit. we have had the right to be mad, but it doesn't mean we should get into arguements with them)
My anger comes up mostly when I feel I need to defend myself. Then as more resentment and hurt comes to the surface I lose the ability to choose my words carefully. If I am calm I can negotiate, choose the appropriate approach. The problem is alot of things my XW says causes me hurt and anquish so I need some help controlling the anger.
I know "anger management/hurt feelings" C would help me alot, do you think it would help you?
It wasn't after a spat. He sent me a 'dear john' email after I went to my dd's ballet and I didn't do or say anything to make him do that.
For some reason he doesn't like it when I get involved with the kids.
I got angry AFTER he told me he was calling things off because he was 'too rigid' in his parenting views.
I am a really mild person normally and do not start arguments etc (in fact I am a conflict avoider) but then he sent me this unprovoked email and I was just so hurt. All I did was go to my dd's ballet and say dd1 shouldn't have earrings.
That's why I got angry, because I was so hurt he could just cut me off for doing nothing, after he said he loved me etc and 4 and a half months of dating.
But I think he regrets it and is trying to make amends now.
Jo, I am glad that you can control your anger, that is a huge plus for you. If some way you can figure out why he gets cold feet it will help. I have a hunch it has something to do with he thinks he will lose his control over deciding what the children can do and what they can't.
My XW takes any opinion of mine that is different from hers as a reason why we should not be together. Some things could easily be worked out if we could somehow come to a solution together. There are many decision that are made daily that I try to say ok to, even if I would prefer something else. I have to or I will endanger our future R.
I really think that your H got cold feet because of the difference in opinion over piercing dd ears. There may certainly be other factors also, but when someone is a WAS, or going through a MLC, or whatever the proper name for their behavior is, they all seem to have a false sense of what a happy M is. EI they may think there should be no difference of opinion, no disagreements, etc.
My XW wants a M with fairy tale romance forever. She thinks the butterflies and the excitement of the honeymoon yrs should last forever. That her heart will beat faster everytime she is with her man forever. She thinks happy marriages have no disagreements. Her soulmate is flawless and will forever give her happiness if only she finds the right person. (these are the thoughts of a teen who has fallen in love for the first time)
Again it is great you can control your anger, but I feel that if your sweep to much under the rug you will continue to feel alot of resentment. Resentment will bring your PMA down and he will notice even if you don't say anything. I think if you can somehow figure out how to get enough of your thoughts and opinions across to your H so that you don't feel resentment and at the same time not to much so he still feels he is an important part of the decision. If you both can feel like you are important and needed parts to the puzzle I think major progress can be made.
I want so much for you to get your family back together forever. I will pray for you.
I think with my H it's partly because he *won* custody of the 3 older kids so he somehow thinks they are totally his and he doesn't like anyone else including me trying to have any input in how they are brought up - aside from babysitting help.
Also, I agree that he is terrified of any kind of disagreement and sees differences of opinion as conflict. He seems to have this attitude that if I loved him and if we were a suitable match, we would agree 100% of the time and any variation of opinion is seen as doom, gloom and disaster for our R.
He was always this way because his parents divorced and this had a bad effect on him and he even told me that the reason he wanted to D me is because his parents divorced and his mother was happier after, so why not him? They were his exact words.
Nearly every time we disagreed he would think it was a row even if it wasn't and I think during our M he did a lot of what I wanted because he was trying to avoid differences in opinion.
I only realise this in hindsight.
He was also very scared of me leaving him even though I never would and, for instance, if I was tired with the kids (we had 3 kids under the age of 4) and we didn't ML for 2 weeks, he'd ask me if I still loved him.
Now I think he is realising that you can't buy happiness by getting a D and in my opinion he will never find anyone who will agree with his way 100% of the time.
I hope to be able to help him see that different opinions are normal as well as showing him unconditional love which he has never seen in his parents.
I will keep it platonic for now so he knows he cannot continue to conduct the R like that and hopefully that will do the trick.
Wow, I see a bit of myself in your H. I also read disagreements with my W as arguments when she was merely disagreeing. I do have to say that she used way more emotion at times than I did, so it was easier to misread it that way.
Quote: He was also very scared of me leaving him even though I never would and, for instance, if I was tired with the kids (we had 3 kids under the age of 4) and we didn't ML for 2 weeks, he'd ask me if I still loved him.
It sounds like he was a attracted to a good-looking, intelligent, independent woman. The good part of that was that his W is good-looking, intelligent, independent...The bad part was that his W is good-looking, intelligent, independent... This can be very threatening to a guy, especially if the R gets a bit rocky. This was the case with me, and didn't get 'better' until I began to focus on myself and build myself up rather than try to control her and keep 'us' safe.
The ML part sounds like most men, including me! Its just how we are hard-wired or programmed to feel loved.
You seem more at peace and more philosophical in your more recent posts. I hope some of that is true, as you've had a rough couple of weeks.
Jo and Gabriel how do we voice an opinion if our X-es take a different opinion as an arguement? Every R of every kind will have different ideas that clash at some point. So what is the key to sucessful communication during their alien behavior?
I feel that this was the down fall to my marriage, W sweeps everything under a rug (because of her childhood), I on the other hand was taught to get the problem out in the open and get past it. My problem is I didn't learn the skills to negotiate with W, so I too swept things under the rug or if I tried to get her to see another POV I failed.
So how do we communicate to them to improve the R in the future when there are differences of opinions?
Well, I am no expert but here's what I think on the subject:
If your W has a complaint, don't talk over her or be thinking up arguments you can say back. Listen and reflect back some of the things she feels (by using some of her language so she knows you were listening).
Don't walk out of the room mid-conversation or go really quiet as women solve problems by talking so she will feel unloved if you walk away.
No yawning, scratching, turning the TV on in the middle of the discussion.
After you have validated her feelings, then say 'I understand this, however, it makes me feel X, Y and Z so maybe we could compromise?'
If it's something where you can meet her half-way, do it, and don't raise your voice. She will likely compromise with you if you do with her.
Always end a tense discussion with a hug or whatever your W is most attracted to. For me it's physical attention so if H hugs me after a row, everything is better immediately.
Remember it isn't important who is right or wrong, it's how you love each other that counts.
If there is something you will never agree on, remember you are different people and agree to differ. There are other things you can give each other. You don't necessarily need to agree.
Designate specific jobs to each other. For instance, in my M, I was in charge of paying bills, paying the kids school fees, Christmas and birthday presents and where we went on holiday, how often etc.
H was in charge of his business, my website, when we visited family, final choice on any houses we lived in, the type of car we had, anything to do with gardening or DIY etc.
I accepted that anything that was 'his' choice, I did not challenge and he was the same with my choices. The only times we ever rowed in the M was when I was medically ill and when there was a third party problem with relatives etc.
It doesn't eliminate arguments but it reduced them. Obviously I can't do this when living separately.
Writing down a list of everything wonderful you think your partner has done during the week and then giving them the list. They will find it hard to be mad with you then.
If you need space, saying to them I just need a bit of me time BUT I love you and I'll be back in a bit and then returning from your space with a kiss and a chat.
That's just my 2p worth and sometimes I am rubbish at it but I try.
My mood has picked up a bit since this happened because I'm sure by the way he's behaving that he still wants me but I still feel a bit scared by that email and I've been writing really tough bits of my book so that has been dropping my PMA also but I have to finish it as I need the money.
I've got up to May 04 now so I've written the worst bits.
Ask me how I feel on Friday and I'll give you a better idea.
Thankyou for the tips on communicating with my XW. I need to practice until they become habit.
You and Gabriel have been talking about dreams, so I thought I would tell you about one of my dreams.
Two nights ago I had a dream that included my XW. For some reason I let air out of her rear drivers side tire. In the dream there was some purpose to this but I don't remember why. (this is the extent of the dream that I can remember)
Yesterday her rear tire on the driverside was low on air. C19 put air in it, it went low again, they put air in it again and now it has stayed inflated for over 12 hrs.
I hope you are having a good day, God bless you and your family.
Its just how we are hard-wired or programmed to feel loved.