Am typing this and then going to bed, it's nearly 1am here.
I didn't make any comment about Kazaa in response but when he mentioned the radio gig I said 'that's exciting' and dd2 was saying to me how she has never been on TV.
I said yes you have, loads of times. The first time my dd2 was on TV she was only 4 weeks old I told her that daddy has the tapes at his house if she wants to see herself on TV
That was all that was mentioned of it. I spoke mainly to her about it rather than him. I am being careful after that horrible email.
I felt kind of awkward around him most of the time except for when we laughed about me buying a computer from him, which was natural - surprisingly enough. The spark is still there. I am sure I don't want a SL with him, though, unless he marries me.
It is a bit frustrating for a relatively HD woman like me but then I remind myself that is base instinct and not sensible in the curcumstances.
So I shall be Miss Iron Knickers for the time being
It's funny, because I ML with him more in my dreams than I do in real life and some of the stuff I come up with in the dreams is more exciting than real life, and since I keep a diary of my dreams, a lot of it is rather 18 rated I would say on average when I am abstinent there are about 4 sexual dreams per month and when I'm sleeping with him in real life, there is maybe 1 sexual dream a month.
The other thing I noticed is, it's always him I sleep with in the dreams, never anyone else - so I don't even cheat in fantasies How about that for fidelity?
Oh, and I do get prophetic sexual ones too - as I have often dreamed of us being together and then a couple of weeks later it happens in the exact same way it did in the dream.
I just leave the diary lying around as dd4 who lives with me is only 2 and can't read yet - but my 7 year old can read so I will have to remember to keep it out of the way next time she visits.
In fact, H did ask me several times to read it but I haven't let him. I'm way too shy Maybe if we get back on track.
Do you celebrate it today in England? Regardless, I hope you are able to enjoy the loved-filled Rs with each of your DDs.
Wow, that diary sounds great! I'm not sure what happens in my dreams - would be curious to see what kind of frequency I'm having or what the content is now that I've been separated for 6 mo. You are indeed a faithful woman - even in your dreams! That's quite a record.
My W must have played 'Miss Iron Knickers' in a school play early in life, b/c she sure had that character down! I wonder if there would be any clues in my dreams as to what I want from a SL with W - like what was missing or what I enjoyed.
In Judeo/Christian faiths, my namesake - the arcangel Gabriel - was the communicator for God, and often appeared to folks via their dreams. For example, it is he who was thought to have appeared to Joseph to tell him that Mary's pregnancy was 'legitimate' and that he was not to divorce her quietly; and later again after Christ's birth to move his family in the night to avoid King Herod's slaughter of the innocents. I imagine that there may be important communications that I may be ignoring or snoring thru. I may try that journaling over the next few months to see if anything crops up. Thanks for this idea.
It's not mother's day here. Mothers day is in March in the UK, always in March every year. I had mine and the kids stayed and I went to a country park with H but it wasn't all that good as he changed dd3's name and I felt sad.
My first mother's day was good though. It was the 17th March 1996 and I was 11 days overdue with my pregnancy and thinking I would be pregnant forever so we tried out the ML method of induction and he brought me late breakfast and it worked. She was born at 10.05pm that night and I was a mother for the first time. Every one congratulated me for holding off the labour until mother's day!
They stayed overnight this year for that day but it didn't go as well as I hoped.
I believe you get messages from spirit (or God or whatever you'd like to call it) through dreams and that I am really lucky to have this gift.
I like the bible as it mentions dreams all the way through and how people used to pay attention to their dreams. These days people ignore that part of their personality and it's a shame as there is a vast amount of knowledge to be gained from dreams if we open ourselves up to our intuition.
Sigmund Freud studied them a lot and I have read some of Freud's work in my counselling training, which was fascinating.
There are 3 types of dream: prophetic (i.e, ones which show you future events or give you a message from spirit or 'God'), release dreams (these work through traumatic events or stuff you have done during your day to get it out of your system) and Freudian wish fulfilment dreams. These provide balance for you. For instance, if your waking life is really unhappy, then you will get a lot of nice, happy dreams to balance you out.
If your life is good, sinister dreams are common as you need a mixture of both to be a balanced personality. Sex dreams as well can either be prophetic if you have that tendancy or wish fulfilment - if you are not sexually active in real life then it's common to have sex in your dreams regularly, to make up for the absence in life.
Our soul knows what we need!
If you are going to journal, make sure you tell yourself to remember the dream before you go to sleep and keep the journal by your bed so you can record stuff as soon as you wake. Journal every day because if you don't you will forget everything.
I can't remember anything if I don't write it down.
It may well be that you get insight into your desires. You might even get insight into your W's desire's as I have dreamt of Andy's feelings before and it turned out to be true.
For instance, last year I dreamt that everyone was saying he's really depressed without me and then I went outside looking for him and found him curled up in a ball on the floor - completely naked - crying and saying he can't live without me
Then about 3 months after that dream, he turned up on my doorstep, close to tears, saying he misses me, his life's a mess and he's just pretending to be happy
He was naked in the dream because this represented his true feelings - the one's underneath that he hides from other people.
When he turned up on my doorstep and said those things for real, he unfortunately wasn't naked though (joke).
Yeah, I like your name. I love angels and think angel names are just so cool.
Anyway, I'll stop rabbiting on now as I've probably bored you silly.
No, this isn't boring at all; actually, dreams are fascinating. I liked the categories you named and will give it my best to see if I can keep track of them for awhile and see if anything is notable.
Telling myself to remember the dream is a good idea. Kind of like telling myself I just have to wake up by a certain time when I'm tired; otherwise, I might just hit the snooze button and roll over. I have my alarm clock in the 'kitchen' area of my studio, as I have to walk about 20 ft to get to it, and by then I'm much less likely to stroll back to my comfy bed.
I never knew that Mother's Day is in March over there! Well, a belated Happy Mother's Day to you!
H turned up slightly EARLY (?) and I figured he was just dropping dd4 off but when I opened the door he just walked right in (?) and I was thinking, 'I thought this was just a drop off'.
He said 'You're looking very summery today.' (I was wearing a purple long sleeved top and a pink mini skirt).
I said something about how I never know what to wear as the weather is always changing in this country. One day it is hot, the next it is cold.
Privately, I was thinking 'Yes, he's complimenting me on my clothes again!'
He went through to my lounge and sat at my computer. I thought 'what?' because you don't normally do that to drop off a kid, do you?
I asked him how to send a pdf file, since he was sat right there and he told me I can't from my version of publisher and that he'll have to download another programme onto my computer next time he visits.
I laughed and told him I would have another angry customer as he wants his pdf document NOW. Then I pointed to all the letters piled on the floor, virtually up to the ceiling, that I have been doing this weekend. I have got up to F in the alaphabet so still have tons to do and I forgot to get labels so I'm having to hand write everyone's addresses.
He said 'OMG, that's a big job!'
Then he double checked with me what his revised times were with dd4 and I said I wanted him to have her this coming weekend because I have an appointment where I can't take her with me.
I didn't give him any details. So he asked 'Where are you going? Is it far?' I said no and gave him the name of the town. He said 'Is it that clinic thing you're doing?' (meaning the egg donation). I said yes.
I have had this horrible headache all day and he noticed me pressing on my temples, so he said
'I hope your headache goes away soon.'
I smiled at him and then looked the other way.
There was a knock at the door and it was the other dd's but when we went to let them in, they ran off, giggling!
H said he'd better go and take dd3 to ballet. This time I did NOT ask to go too, after the last time.
Then they left.
What is going on?? Do you think he's just being civil - because he sent me that 'I can't do this' email the other week and my birthday was spoiled but since then he is acting like nothing happened.
I mean, he hasn't tried it on with me or anything but he has come in the house without being invited in TWICE, he's complimenting me on my clothes, he's asking me questions about what I'm up to, messing about on my computer etc when he's just supposed to be bringing dd4 back. I don't know what to think.
Is that just civil? or does he regret that email??
Quote: He said 'You're looking very summery today.' (I was wearing a purple long sleeved top and a pink mini skirt).
Jo, don't stammer with explanations for what you're wearing. Just confidently and with quiet, direct eye contact and a smile, say "Thank you!" I think he really wants to make peace and be friends again, but is afraid of your anger toward him. Being at peace already, and friendly, and allowing quiet/space will let you see his next move, hopefully toward you.
Quote: he told me ...that he'll have to download another programme onto my computer next time he visits. I laughed and told him I would have another angry customer as he wants his pdf document NOW.
Maybe just another thank you here, or an acknowledgement about his own busy schedule. You want to highlight your independence and yet your appreciation for his unsolicited help. Then thank him notably when it happens. Again, this will pull him toward you over time.
Quote: I have had this horrible headache all day and he noticed me pressing on my temples, so he said 'I hope your headache goes away soon.'
It was nice of him to notice. Maybe next time, he'll act on that hope and offer to help massage the headache away. If not, maybe your request to do so would be a safe way of initiating PT, when things are friendlier: "Would you mind rubbing my temples/base of neck for a few minutes? I just can't seem to do it like you do."
I like that you didn't ask to go to the ballet. Your girls are so wise - they gave Mommy and Daddy space to work things out a bit!
My take is that he's trying to make peace. Meet him halfway, with confidence and some subtle offers toward connection that go beyond requests for computer aid, but are more directed right at you and H.
Does that mean he wants to be platonic friends or does that mean he wants an R with me after all? It's really confusing. Normally when he compliments me on my clothes, it means he is flirting with me, but then after that email I am not sure.
If he's sorry why doesn't he just say sorry?
I am scared that I'm just getting the wrong idea because I love him.
I didn't say thank you because I don't want to appear really grateful, IYKWIM, but if it carries on getting better then I will. I was really hurt by that email; he'll have to give more before I can give anything else.
I thought I did well not getting upset while he was here, and not talking about the R. Everything else is somewhat forced at the moment.
Point taken about the clothes.
I wouldn't ask him for a massage at this time because it's too much like pursuing him and I miss him so much that I am scared we will just end up in bed which I don't want until I get a proper commitment - so I am shying away from physical contact.
I don't know why he switches off whenever I ask for any involvement with the dd's - he was stand offish when they stayed overnight too.
For now I am not going to try to understand why - I am just going to let it go. If I win my H back I get them too.
Keep in mind, I am D, and X and I have NONE of the playful banter I read about around here.
One. Set up better boundaries; I know you've tried, I've been reading a bit of your thread. Without boundaries, he is going to come and go as if nothing if different. And right now, nothing is different in his mind.
Chances are he really does not know what to do and is likely looking to you for some hint, movement, etc, but I imagine you do not want to fall into the same traps as before.
Excuse my American ignorance, you would think from my time in the UK, I could sort it out. But what the devil is dd? I know it relates to daughter.
When you need help, ask. Men are NOT good at picking up clues. If need something, ask, we will do whatever we can within our ability.
I know I get frustrated when someone says, did you do so and so or I thought you were going to do that? If we do not know, we cannot help and I feel it is not fair for someone to complain after the fact.
Trust me, he is confused. But has no idea how to handle the new situation. It will take time and mistakes will be made. And be more vaque. He may not want to be part of the equation, but he wants to know what you are doing.
That is what I am afraid of, that he doesn't want to be part of the equation but he's checking up on me.
I don't want that, and I don't want a friendship, not long-term. I can be civil for the kids but I don't want a platonic friendship with this man. To me, I've got to a point where it's all or nothing - I have given enough of my life and I know if he meant that email, I'd rather it was nothing.
I told her that daddy has the tapes at his house if she wants to see herself on TV 
Maybe if we get back on track.
I wonder if there would be any clues in my dreams as to what I want from a SL with W - like what was missing or what I enjoyed.