I spent my morning praying about my situation. I can not allow Freds moods to control my life anymore. If I crossed a boundary, I am sorry. He fills my head with words of hope, is affectionate to me, and makes me feel so safe and so loved, then he does a 180. I have toyed with the idea of just going ahead and filing for a separation myself, but I do not want to. My boundaries are totally disregarded, but his have to be followed to the letter. I sent him an email telling him that we have made so much progress these past few weeks, lets not blow it with one stupid argument.I have yet to get a response. He turns off his cell phone, and is playing control games with me. He says he likes being in control, and is finally the one to make the decisions. He is on the verge of being cruel. He gets this way whenever he is with his friend in California and becomes a total jerk to me. His friend divorced her husband last year, and now he gets all of his advise from her.I feel really upset, really confused and very rejected. I am supposed to pick him up from the airport tomorrow morning, and i was really looking forward to him coming home. Now I am dreading it. I am trying to put my emotions aside and just get on with my day, but the pain is still there. I know what he told me, and now he denies it, and tells me that I have taken his words out of context. His exact words were" I am looking forward to coming home and starting fresh with you".I did not misunderstand anything. I believe this is all payback for the years of our marriage when I was the control freak and was very unkind to him. Now I have made myself vulnerable,and have made so many changes in my life. I am learning to like who I am. I am dealing with my anxiety issues and seeing a therapist. What more does he want from me? What about second chances, what about our 8 kids? I have truly let down my guard and started loving him in the way I was supposed to. now I feel like a f***ing idiot,and a fool. Please keep me in your prayers. I am having a really hard time, and still have to deal with making a nice Memorial Day for the kids, plus my Mother in law will be here on Thursday for an extended visit. I am so overwhelmed with everything, and I have nowhere to turn. I have become something that I wanted to be, a nicer person, in touch with my feelings, vulnerable and honest. Look where it has gotten me???
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
