Hopeful

[sage]

From midwest's thread...you asked:

Sage,
I have a question for you..
it has been 5 months, and I am so weary.
I told him that I feel I have this big cloud of doom hanging over my head, his leverage of divorce.
He told me that I need to let things go, and to trust him.
But so far I am the one making all of the consessions and changes.How much longer must I have to go on with this?

I have a bunch of different answers to this...I don't know which one (if any) will be the "right" one for you...

first off, are you sure you're the only one changing? I ask because I reached a point in my sitch where I was convinced that I was the only one doing the work...but then I realized (with a little help from my friends ) that I wasn't actually "hearing" the work that he was doing because it wasn't in my "language".

So, for example, I wanted him to say "I love you and will never hurt you again" but he didn't.

But what he did do was bundle me up and hand me an umbrella as I was walking out the door and say "be careful. your safety is important to me!"

Do you see? He WAS caring and making changes but I was so busy looking for X that I couldn't see Y for the life of me.

What helped? I started listing 3 positives a day on my thread. It helped me to see the changes that he was making.

For example:
h called today
h listened to my fears about the R
h reassured me
or
h picked us up dinner
or
h folded the laundry

Just small stuff...

Another thought...maybe you ARE doing the lion's share right now...and perhaps you need to keep doing that...patience, the big word and mantra on the BB, right? it's TRUE...it won't necessarily happen in the timeframe you want it to..

Next, sometimes you just need to take a break...are you doing good things for yourself? if not, do so. get your energy back, ok?

And finally (for now), you mentioned that "h gets distant"...if that's what you're basing your "he's not really back" on, well, you may just not be understanding your h....men (sweeping stereotype here) need distance in a way that many women do not. Read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" if you haven't already.

Sage