After 20 years, my husband moved out. He decided that he wanted to get on with his life, and that he was fed up with the way things were between us. We have 8 children, and he was insistant that he would not stay in a marriage for the sake of the kids.He was not interested in councelling. He moved out and is renting a room from a friend. Since the separation, he comes over daily, and spends time with the kids, or helps me with my business. I have been in therapy for almost 5 months and have made so many changes. I am happier and feel really good about myself. I miss my husband, but I am practicing the DB principles. I have stopped nagging, stopped asking questions, I do not call him or email him.He has not filed any paperwork yet. I have been praying alot as my husband really does need a reality check. He will be turning 40 this year! He insists it is not a MLC. He is seeing a therapist, who thinks he should go with his heart, and even gave him referrals for a divorce lawyer. Anyway, my husband lost his job a week ago. Now all of his plans have to be put on hold, as he has no income. Last night before he left he hugged me,something which has not happened in a very long time, we have not been intimate in 5 months. I feel encouraged, but have learned not to get my hopes up. He has made positive comments about the changes in me, and I just respond with a thank you. I think I am on the right track. The waiting is the hardest part, being patient is a killer!!! Keeping my mouth shut and letting things go, is getting easier. I hate sleeping alone, and hold on to hope that he will eventually return home. I do believe that he is thinking about things, I just wish he would stop being so prideful about everything.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Sorry you are going through one of the worst times of your life, which I would not wish on another person.
W moved out Mar 04, filed May and was final Nov. I spent a lot of time on these boards, last Spring, probably too much.
I found a post of mine from June of last year and I think it bears repeating. I know I needed to read it AGAIN.
Greetings all,
I am a short timer here. My WAW moved out in Mar after the "bomb" hit in Dec. Is she coming back to me and three children to revive an M of 11 years?
I do not know and I do not care.
In my short tenure in this marathon of marital and spouse struggles and reading the bb, I've formed a few conclusions of my own I would like to share.
DISCLAIMER. These opinions in NO way represent Michele, the moderators, other posters, the bb, and any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental.
1. There are NO magic answers. Sorry, all you newcomers who arrive seeking the magic potion to revive the spouse and marriage; there is NONE.
2. I will not repeat the standard DB methodology here. The odds are you have had it drilled into your head ad naseum. FOLLOW IT. If only for you own sanity.
3. The WAS does NOT give a darn about what you are doing, so quit worrying over what they are doing. You CANNOT control their actions, beliefs, thoughts, etc.
4. Quit pushing. Quit hoping something will happen NOW, TODAY. It will not, unless you keep pursuing, then you can almost guarantee the outcome and it will not be the one you seek.
5. Relax. Exercise. Walk. Run. Play a sport. Ride your bike. Chase your kids. Take ALL the energy you are wasting WORRYING over your spouses actions and how your actions affect the spouse and put it into something you control.
6. Find a new balance. When the spouse quit on the family and the relationship, the dynamic swung violently out of balance. Find a new center. Focus on you, the children, the dog, something besides the old dynamic.
7. The previous M or R is deceased. Quit digging it up and examining it and trying to breath life into the lifeless form. Start a new R, hopefully with your spouse. But the old R has to die or you will be right back where you are now.
8. Quit taking blame. You are 100% responsible for your 50% ONLY. You contributed to this, but you did not do this. The spouse is being selfish and cares ONLY about themselves. Remember that.
9. It is ok to be sad, angry, frustrated, bitter, confused, and all the other emotions churning around. Find a time or place and experience the emotion. Do not deny it, but do not let it control you. And do not let the spouse see it.
10. Be positive. Be upbeat. Again, if only for your own sanity. Fake yourself out. Self-fulfilling prophecy. This goes right to "act as if." You will feel better and it will become second nature.
11. You may not get your spouse back and guess what, you may reach a point where you may not want them back. You are in control of your R and your life now. ENJOY.
Hi again all. I'm back in the D forums under Dogma (I was DBB last Spring 04 when WAW moved out.) D was final Nov 04.
My kids are 18, 17, 10, 9, 7, 6, 5 and 3. Well, as he lost his job, he decided that he should move back home, for financial reasons, as it was best for the family. We have an apartment attached to our house, so he is living there. I guess I am grateful that he considered the family finances, he didn't have to, he could have continued living where he was, and paying rent. It is hard having him right next door, and knowing that he is living his own life, and i am not allowed to ask questions, or "check up" on him. The good part is that I am keeping busy, the kids and my catering business are a good distraction. He wants us to try and rebuild our relationship as friends.'He is actually making an effort, and even offered to do the laundry for me to help me out. Lately he has been hugging me alot, and has been apologizing when he screws up. We are still not intimate, and he says he still feels like he is walking on eggshells. Maybe this is a good begining, I don't know. I want my husband, not a friend. But I guess we need to start at the very begining, and I suppose this is better then fighting. I do not want my old relationship back, I want a new one. We both have made mistakes, and let out marriage get into a bad rut. He is depressed about his job situation, but I am staying out of the advice business. I am starting to see him more of a person then just as my husband, and believe it or not, the anger and the bad feelings are going away. I really love this man, and I know he is hurting and confused. He has made some bad choices out of total selfishness, and he is going to have to figure things out on his own. At least he hasn't filed any paperwork yet.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Thank you, I am trying. I just wonder sometimes what makes them snap so suddenly. What about a conscience, commitment, children? It is sad when after 20 years he feels he has to get out. I am glad it will not be me walking around knowing that I abandoned my family for the sake of thinking there might be something better out there. Until the papers are filed, I still have hope. Learing to live with one day at a time.......
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Good to hear you are keeping busy, this keeps you from going crazy and overthinking everything. Continue to focus on you and the children and business and he may or may not come around, but you appear able to handle things well yourself.
At the time, I really do not believe they consider the family and the children and the spouse. It really is about their selfish behavior; clearly their conscience is not bothering them.
My husbands new issue is his privacy. he is neurotic over it.I am not allowed to ask questions of any kind, and I am told things only on a need to know basis. I am not allowed to enter his apartment without permission, or to answer his phone.In 2 weeks he is going to visit a "friend" for a week in California. She is recently divorced and I am totally against this visit. I am keeping my mouth shut, I have already said my piece. I have asked him if he is love with her, he said no. They are just best friends. Their relationship is very secretive, and I have spoken to her a couple of times and she told me that my husband owes me no accountability, and is his own free person to choose what he wants to do.I know I need to let him get whatever it is out of his system, but it is hard. He told me that he feels safe with her, and that they have a connection and understand one another, but he is not physically attracted to her. Today he was actually very kind to me, I was an emotional wreck, having a PMS moment, and he was very sweet and very encouraging. He told me that we need to begin our relationship from the very begining, on trust. He said we are in the "pre-school" stage, learning to get along and learning to like each other again. I take this as a good thing, but I am also learning to take one day at a time. He is very moody, partly because he recently lost his job, and had to move back home. I think God threw a wrench into his big plans. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth all of the effort on my part when he is the one making all of the bad choices. Sometimes it is hard to put on a happy face, when my heart is breaking and I just feel so lonley and so rejected by him. We haven't been intimate in 5 months, and I hate sleeping alone in my bed. He told me that he can't have that type of relationship with me at this time in his life. That we have to work on other areas, mainly the trust issues. As a man, do you have any advice? He told me he still loves me, but wants to work on a friendship with me for right now. Should I be encouraged, or is this the major blow off?
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I have been taking care of myself. I have lost 25 pounds, am wearing make up, and looking good. For years my husband told me I looked frumpy, and didn't take care of my appearance. He has been making comments that i look nice. I must confess I am buying clothes that i know he likes. My oldest daugter drags me to go taning with her, so I do that a couple of times a week. I started my own business, and am busy with that. He has actually been helping me, and he has been awesome in that area. I have a fantastic therapist that i see weekly and I am on anti-anxiety pills, which have been a life saver. For years I suffered with anxiety and panic attacks. I thought it was normal, a few monthhs ago i mentioned these feelings to my therapist and she told me I have anxiety disorder. I have felt to much better, and am not as stressed out anymore, I actually sleep better. My spiritual relationship is better, I feel so much closer to God, and it is helping me to get through each day. Tomorrow we are actually taking all 8 kids out for the day to a butterfly farm. Our first "family" trip in 5 months. I am so excited!! I just hope that the little ones will behave so that my husband won't get stressed and ruin the trip.He is very moody and is "on the edge" right now. I am sure he has alot on his mind and is probably confused about some of his bad choices. He had big plans, he was going to divorce me, and move on with his life, and try and get a job out of state. Now those plans have had to change, and he is stuck , for now any ways.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
