Interesting approach on the pain level. Think thats the sitch with my H refusing to acknowledge the a. directly. In John Gottman's book on the Seven Principles of a successful M. he says that something happens called "flooding" where the H is overwhelmed by marital conflict.
He notes that biologically men are programmed with the fight or flight response while women developed with the ability to self soothe. He noted that in tests with married couples where they were hooked up to machines measuring spikes in heart rate and blood pressure, men's bodies literally signalled danger to men when issues of marital conflict arose.
So that their response was to flee or shut down. So ties into the pain theory. Hope this is helpful.
