Yes indeed things are tense around here. Busy at work too, which is not helping. Need to journal an incident last night.
We were out to dinner, NG, his aunt and me. All goes well, he is happy updating me on his day's trials and aunt does not really understand (we are both in the IT industry, so some very specific jargon flying around ). I'm begining to think she is also a little hard of hearing, as she kept jumping in with totally unrelated comments, which was annoying NG.
As we wrap up with coffee, his mobile goes and its a colleague from work. He chats for about 10 mins, waiter brings the bill, I check, pay and NG is still on the phone. No reference to the caller that he is at dinner, and no indication at my end that the situation being discussed is life or death. I can see he is almost done, so aunt and I start walking to the car (parked just in front of the restaurant). He comes pretty close to us, but is in a right mood. NG to Slowly - Could you not have waited for me to finish the call?
Now, I have to say this is a long running issue which went away for a couple of years and is now creeping back. He seems deaf, dumb and blind to the fact that it just is not acceptable to expect your dinner date to scan the ceiling while you are on the phone, unhurriedly chatting
As we got home, it became clear that he was in a sulk. A big 180 for me was to NOT retreat wounded, I teased him out of his mood, and all seems to be sunny again today. Just wondering how to cope the next time this occurs, which I'm sure it will.
Quote: Now, I have to say this is a long running issue which went away for a couple of years and is now creeping back. He seems deaf, dumb and blind to the fact that it just is not acceptable to expect your dinner date to scan the ceiling while you are on the phone, unhurriedly chatting
I agree, but maybe it's a little passive-aggressive to just walk out on him? Maybe a little more direct approach (like a tap on the shoulder, a whisper in his ear "can you call them back later when we get home?") would have been a better approach?
Let's face it, the two of you talking IT jargon on front of his aunt wasn't so polite either. May I guess that NG is a nerdy intellectual type who doesn't recognize social cues so well? (Takes one to know one ). If that's so, he's probably just oblivious, not deliberately rude, and pleasantly reminding him may be all it takes.
Ellie has great feedback for you here! For my two cents,
Quote: "can you call them back later when we get home?"
I would change this to " would you call them back later when we get home?"
Using "would" or "will" statements is Martianese and implies the choice to comply or not. You get a lot farther with Martians speaking their own language, especially when they hear you are giving them a choice! It doesn't sound like nagging!
I vote for Mellanie's response. I also have to agree with Ellie on this one. But your 180 was a good save. Gave me some food for thought as well as I have been trying similar 180s with H when his "teasing" gets to what i think is hurtful.
Thanks for stopping by my thread. I was curious- why do you think my H can predict me. Is it the email thing? Am I sooo predictable from my posts? Any insight would be appreciated.
Ellie - I need this perspective, the no-nonsense, focus on today, approach.
Quote: I agree, but maybe it's a little passive-aggressive to just walk out on him?
It occured to me yesterday that many of my 180s can be interpreted as PA For a while it got his attention, and I guess I need to watch carefully what I choose to do a 180 on. I know for sure tapping him on the shoulder does not work, tried that before.
Quote: Let's face it, the two of you talking IT jargon on front of his aunt wasn't so polite either.
One of his 'complaints was that I was such a goody two shoes, always wanting to be polite, and that ow understood that he needed to talk about his day. So here I am, feels like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Although, to be fair, he did warn his aunt that we'd be talking shop, and she still chose to come with us rather than go out with her hubby to a movie (which he ended up seeing alone)
For an intellectual, he is actually surprisingly sensitive - I fear this may be a test for me. He sees many changes and cannot resist testing to see how far they go. There is a way to go yet on this journey.
Hi Martha - Good tip on Martianese, I will actually try that next time we are stuck in an apparently no-win deal
I'm copying over here something that I need to whack myself with every so often, because this is NG down to a T. Pen's observation on Bets' thread
Quote: Betsey – men are simple creatures at heart. (Pain = to be avoided) x 100 x 3³ is a formula you can reduce many of their actions to. Feeling pain, discussing pain, inflicting pain. Divorce = painful. Discussing the why’s of a divorce with in-laws that love and care about the ex-spouse = painful. Discussing divorce/ex-spouse with anybody = painful because it reminds one of things one would rather not think about, like own failures and own inadequacies.
I really think it is that simple, and rooted in the knowledge that he messed up his life in a bad way, but would prefer not to deal with that or have others remind him.
I think it’s quite natural to feel as you do about this, by the way, and you addressed the issue quite kindly. You go girl!
Pen
I need to start any tackle with the key question - what's the pain level here
Interesting approach on the pain level. Think thats the sitch with my H refusing to acknowledge the a. directly. In John Gottman's book on the Seven Principles of a successful M. he says that something happens called "flooding" where the H is overwhelmed by marital conflict.
He notes that biologically men are programmed with the fight or flight response while women developed with the ability to self soothe. He noted that in tests with married couples where they were hooked up to machines measuring spikes in heart rate and blood pressure, men's bodies literally signalled danger to men when issues of marital conflict arose.
So that their response was to flee or shut down. So ties into the pain theory. Hope this is helpful.
Hi Hopeful - It's very helpful, always bugged me that NG's approach seemed so different
Well, we are muddling along, and regain our privacy at the weekend. Time for another little surprise for NG, anyone have a good source for ideas?
I'm as always, grateful I found this place via google would you believe it. So much support, without which I know I would not have made it through this journey. I often wonder how long lost cyber friends are doing - Rotzilla, KAW, Dazedboy, Maya, GBO and the list goes on...
Ah well, time to wind down for the weekend. Wishing you all a fabulous one
). I'm begining to think she is also a little hard of hearing, as she kept jumping in with totally unrelated comments, which was annoying NG. 
Slowly
). If that's so, he's probably just oblivious, not deliberately rude, and pleasantly reminding him may be all it takes.
