slowly, i know it is a great thing that he feels safe to speak to you. you have created that intimacy between you. but remember, OW may always be a very touchy thing for you to deal with. and there are thousands of ways where you can share intimacy together.
if his speaking of his feelings about OW start to cause you to dissect his mind again, maybe you could avoid these conversations? maybe you can think of 3 or 4 other ways to share intamcay that would fill that hole if you cut out these conversations, then you will have even more intimacy then before. without any of the hurt and confusion a talk about OW may leave you with.
and you also mentioned that you want a little more work on your r from his end. hummm, is there any action you can take to get more of what you want? what happened in the past that made you feel like he was very into your r? what is different now? can you do more of the same to get that again? or can you ask him for more times to sit and discuss things?
what will he be doing if he is working on your r? talking more? buying flowers? spending more time with you? is there anything you can do right now to get a little more of that?
Hi kellyagain - Yes, the KLA tapes are great, aren't they? NG is actually doing very well. The way I look at it, I had many months to get to grips with ow. He was still in a fog. He seems to be surfacing from it slowly but surely. Like Michele and Martha said, I just need to validate and be there - OK with me. She is, surprisingly, no longer a sore point. Maybe because I'm comfortable that I've grown and can see her for the sad person she is, with help from NG?
Quote: maybe you can think of 3 or 4 other ways to share intamcay that would fill that hole if you cut out these conversations, then you will have even more intimacy then before. without any of the hurt and confusion a talk about OW may leave you with.
The great thing about having lived in the knowledge of the a for 18 months is that we really do not talk about it much now. Maybe once a month. I don't even think about it some days (yay me). I guess this is what time does, it allows us to put these traumas into perspective, providing we have other things in our life.
Yesterday I came home late from work, which does not happen often. NG had been out running, which was such a delight. He has been putting on a bit of weight, not been able to shake a ghastly cough, and I've been worried that he could be getting slightly depressive. I see the run as a positive sign, that he is sufficiently interested to do something to get fitter. And as I was changing, he came and had a chat, and one thing lead to another Can I say just how wonderful it felt to be wanted, wooed ?
Today, we are both working from home, and have dinner plans with some good friends. Just enjoying the moment here, Slowly
The post that struck a chord with me is by HunterFox:
One thing I have found out that does work is emulation. I have quietly tried things that she is now into and briefly asked her with mysterious out of character for me questions that I would only ask if I was doing the same things she is. Then slowly over time the bonds on the same things are getting stronger as well as the interaction of conversation. These things are my way of at least getting her to feel comfortable talking to me about things irrelivant to the marriage, trying not to slip in the occasional "marriage question" as it relates to the topic is hard at best. I have shown taken great interest in a soap opera she likes and we have long talks about the storys, at least we're talking and we share laughs and smiles with each other as the conversation about it goes on and I apprach her with zest and zeal about the storys lines from the day before.
By taking a direct interest in something she enjoys immensly has opened quite a few doors. It also has made her occasionally touch me without even thinking about it and calling me things like "honey", "sweetie" and others during our comforting banters.
It may be a baby step but it is definatly a solid firm step and it works for me.
How I stumbled across this little gem of an action is that I figured out something she has a deep enduring passion for (the soap opera) and figured out that if I take the same and deeper passion for it she would open up and we could talk more, the rest of her actions are bonus icing on the cake.
I've been wondering if I need to develop more of an interest in cars, NG is mad about them.
How's it going on your side of the pond? Thanks for the Mars/Venus translation on my thread. Your're good at this!
I have to say that I couldn't do this without you and Sage and Ellie and lots of others. Thanks for being on the BB!
I just wanted to add that I was re-reading your previous thread and you had posted that NG had mentioned that he realised the ow had many insecurities- so what he IMed you is on par with previous discoveries.
I also think he is processing and seeing ow for what she is. You guys seem to be doing great. Sending positive thoughts and hopes your way.
Hiya Hope - I'm glad to be of help To be honest, looking at other cases is a good reminder of the new habits I need to maintain; it seems all too easy to slip back into old habits.
NG and I had a great weekend, but its back to hard work this week. He is travelling for a couple of days, and part of me is a little anxious as I know via the grapevine that ow is on holiday, BUT, I'm not wigging out, and holding on to myself. Wish me luck.
Hi Slowly, I really like your idea about getting interested in cars since NG likes them. What kind does he like best? New research question for you How would S developing interest in cars improve R? Refining the question to a higher level takes inside info. I think tho it would be very positive since NG would know it was done out of love.
Even if OW would pursue NG he no longer sees her in a dream world. He has the real thing at home (you)--and protects his home, this is major. I remember the date he took you on when it had been a stressful hard day...
Positive thots coming your way. Enjoy your week midwest
Hi midwest and Hopeful - Thanks for stopping by. We have been at an offsite meeting for the past few days, extremely enjoyable, but no online access
NG and I seem to be chugging along, both busy at work at least for the next 2 weeks. There are of course still moments of dread, and sadness, but for the most part, I have to say, we seem to be getting over the misery.
We had unexpected guests over the weekend, and they will be staying for the week. NG's family, aunt and uncle he grew up with. I have bad memories of their previous trips and am carefully dbing through this situation. Staying detached, not assuming. I plan to remain unavailable, and not get sucked into their dramas. This of course means NG will be more exposed to them than before, but I am taking the view that this is his problem to solve.
I'm sorry about the unexpected house guests...always a fun thing!
Some questions for you -- what exactly are you doing to DR throughout their stay? I'm curious about what strategies you might be using, not only with H, but with them as well.
For instance, it occurs to me that you could do a lot of "acting-as-ifs" in this sitch -- acting as if all of your previous encounters with them were enjoyable and pleasant.
You could probably do some 180's here too. Other than detaching and not getting sucked into their drama, as you said, what would be some real 180's you could exhibit?
)
Can I say just how wonderful it felt to be wanted, wooed ? 
Slowly