Hey Betsey - Thank you for the kind words, I'm finding my feet in the brave new world of the 'half full cup' - looking for positives is becoming easier all the time.
NG and I did have a fab weekend, we got through some paperwork, had dinner with some dear friends, and generally just hung together.
An interesting experiment with the paperwork - usually I sigh, moan and eventually got it done. NG stays well away. This time, as we sat together watching an old movie, I just went and got one thing (a dividend cheque to be posted to the bank) and he helped with the bank details. A few minutes later, I felt like tackling a payment query, and brought just that to the couch. He was interested and helped again. And so it went on for another 3 issues.
The difference? I was more relaxed because I did not have this huge build up to agony that I award myself each time there is documentation to sort out. And the 'no pressure' approach seems to work wonders with NG too, when I remarked that we actually got a lot done, his only comeback was that he did nothing, I did the work. (First time he has acknowledged this long time setup ) Of course, the opportunity to heap WOA for his support was well exploited
Another interesting development this morning, but I'm still processing that.
Hi HS - The expectations stuff will get you in all aspects of life, I found.
Quote: I know that I had way too many expectations of my H, including that he would be the 'perfect' man/H and that he was supposed to make me happy.
Yes, me too. This has been an incredible journey for myself - to learn to accept people for who they are not who I want them to be. Its a lesson that seems to require frequent revision though. Just as things go well, my expectations creep back up and the the whole cycle starts again. Ugh
I guess it took 40 years for the habit of escalating expectations to gain ground, I should plan on the next couple of years to 'unlearn' this habit.
I've been thinking about the recent incident we had, and what it means, and having read Ellie's post on Deb's thread, feel less fearful. Would like your feedback though.
A couple of days ago, NG had downloaded a new search engine and spent the day letting it index the documents on his laptop, including emails and all attachments. I was surprised, as it would make it very easy to find things, but made no comment. Later, as we were catching the news, he was showing me how it worked, and I used my name as the search criteria, and lo and behold, there was a document dated last week, in which he was talking about how 'Slowly and NG' have been open with each other etc etc. It was a note to ow, BUT, he told me over and over again that he had not sent it. That putting his thoughts on a note is how he manages himself. Now, there were no endearments, on the contrary he was being very disparaging towards ow and her H, and being very, very complimentary about me. I actually dropped the subject quickly, and we settled into our usual relaxing evening.
The next day, as we were both at work, during one of our IM sessions, I asked if he would email me the doc as he said he would. And he did, immediately The rest of our IM session is as follows:
sl the larry nking live program was about survivors, one woman said she would not let her life be defined by the hit and run ng ic sl i feel we should not let the rest of our lives be defined by this, no? ng no sl btw where did u get stuff on male and female depression? v interesting ng some medical web site sl seems to reflect all the normal patterns ng need to understand why these happen sl i'm glad u are able to write out the angst ng helps me reconcile ng its easy to loose perspective
sl yes. i can see how it does that. ng and focus on thins that matter ng and manage issues and emtions that can be very bad sl u know there may never be an answer to why these things happen, right? ng guess so ng but learn from mistakes ng its easy to dumb down and go into denial sl u mean, denial about reality between us? ng no ng of what happened ng well i dont dwell on it too much, just write it down as and wen then move on sl what do you struggle with most? ng the sadness sl about her? ng how messed up her life is ng to pursue this against all odds ng its hard to understand ng and very sad sl sadness implies regret, what would you like to change, if you could? ng yes regret that people are not more honest ng and live by inscurities ng to the point of loosing their dignity sl u mean her ? ng yes
after a while...
sl hey, do you wonder about us at all? ng abt what? sl what this has done to us? seems like your struggles are about her. ng well i guess you remeber bad things in life, the brains like that ng fight or flee responce ng you learn from mistakes
I'm still trying to decode this - he still feels sad for her, but thinks of it as a 'bad thing' that has happened? At what point are we going to start repairing our relationship? Wahh I want it now...
I dunno, Slowly. In reading the IM traffic, it seems to me that he's grieving which can be seen as a healing step. He's grieving and sharing that grief with you.
Quote: sl what do you struggle with most? ng the sadness sl about her? ng how messed up her life is ng to pursue this against all odds ng its hard to understand ng and very sad
This sounds to me as if he sees the person she could be, but isn't.
Quote: ng yes regret that people are not more honest ng and live by inscurities ng to the point of loosing their dignity
This also sounds like he's seeing the "real OW". If he in any way idealized her, then you can see this phase as coming to terms with who she really is vs. his ideal.
I am impressed as all git out that he shares this with you. It means so much for your R. It says a lot about the kind of person you are, too. Open, honest, intelligent, trustworthy. Just by sharing this, he's telling you that you are many things she's not.
I have to agree with Michele. This is absolutely a huge step forward that NG is sharing this with you. It is creating real, true intimacy, and you are doing a beautiful job creating a safe place for him to do that.
One word of caution -- I don't think it's a good idea to bring up/compare his processing of the OW thing with your R. Those 2 things must remain separate. Let him work through this. It's probably going to mean some cave time for him. Let him have that time. When he comes out of the cave, then you can test the waters about discussing the rebuilding of your R together. And, in the mean time, just keep making deposits in his love bank!
Patience, patience, patience. This is his stuff -- let him own it.
Hi Ellie, Michele and Martha - Thanks so much for the feedback. I really needed alternative perspectives on this, and am glad your view is positive. And yes, knowing that he is processing this stuff makes it easier to step back and allow the space.
I agree too, when he's noodling over about the OW R, let it stay separate from yours. All you can do is validate his feelings, and don't try to solve anything. Just listen.
After a while he'll get through that pain and then perhaps turn the spotlight back to your R.
In the meantime I'd be very pissed off and commend you for your work, just get pissed off somewhere else and put on your game face for him right now. Fake 'til you make it and keep posting!
Do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Board=UBB24&Number=896649&fpart=&PHPSESSID=
Hi Slowly, I don't know what I could possibly add in the way of suggestions, as always I'm in awe of how well you handle things.
I do think it's a huge positive though that NG was/is able to open up and share those concerns with you. I am envious, I have to admit, and I sure admire the way you handled it. I'm so afraid I will have permanently shut my H down, and headed him even more back to ow, because of my "losing it" episode.
Hey KMP - Keeping them separate makes sense. Its strange the effect posting has. I wrestled with feeling uneasy for a couple of days, then decided to let is all hang out, got a bunch of responses, and bang, things just fall into place. Its good, but still a bit of a mystery how this works
) Of course, the opportunity to heap WOA for his support was well exploited 
The rest of our IM session is as follows:
Slowly
