I've been thinking about the recent incident we had, and what it means, and having read Ellie's post on Deb's thread, feel less fearful. Would like your feedback though.
A couple of days ago, NG had downloaded a new search engine and spent the day letting it index the documents on his laptop, including emails and all attachments. I was surprised, as it would make it very easy to find things, but made no comment. Later, as we were catching the news, he was showing me how it worked, and I used my name as the search criteria, and lo and behold, there was a document dated last week, in which he was talking about how 'Slowly and NG' have been open with each other etc etc. It was a note to ow, BUT, he told me over and over again that he had not sent it. That putting his thoughts on a note is how he manages himself. Now, there were no endearments, on the contrary he was being very disparaging towards ow and her H, and being very, very complimentary about me. I actually dropped the subject quickly, and we settled into our usual relaxing evening.
The next day, as we were both at work, during one of our IM sessions, I asked if he would email me the doc as he said he would. And he did, immediately The rest of our IM session is as follows:
sl the larry nking live program was about survivors, one woman said she would not let her life be defined by the hit and run ng ic sl i feel we should not let the rest of our lives be defined by this, no? ng no sl btw where did u get stuff on male and female depression? v interesting ng some medical web site sl seems to reflect all the normal patterns ng need to understand why these happen sl i'm glad u are able to write out the angst ng helps me reconcile ng its easy to loose perspective
sl yes. i can see how it does that. ng and focus on thins that matter ng and manage issues and emtions that can be very bad sl u know there may never be an answer to why these things happen, right? ng guess so ng but learn from mistakes ng its easy to dumb down and go into denial sl u mean, denial about reality between us? ng no ng of what happened ng well i dont dwell on it too much, just write it down as and wen then move on sl what do you struggle with most? ng the sadness sl about her? ng how messed up her life is ng to pursue this against all odds ng its hard to understand ng and very sad sl sadness implies regret, what would you like to change, if you could? ng yes regret that people are not more honest ng and live by inscurities ng to the point of loosing their dignity sl u mean her ? ng yes
after a while...
sl hey, do you wonder about us at all? ng abt what? sl what this has done to us? seems like your struggles are about her. ng well i guess you remeber bad things in life, the brains like that ng fight or flee responce ng you learn from mistakes
I'm still trying to decode this - he still feels sad for her, but thinks of it as a 'bad thing' that has happened? At what point are we going to start repairing our relationship? Wahh I want it now...
The rest of our IM session is as follows:
Slowly
