Hi Michele - Your presence in my thread is such a gift, thank you. I've been taking my time processing the points you make, trusting myself to sit with my feelings and thoughts for a while
Quote: I think in a partnership you have to have expectations. But they need to be spoken and understood by each partner. That's where I fell down in my M. I didn't speak my expectations, and was really disappointed when H failed to meet them. It's on me because I didn't tell him what I expected clearly, non-judgmentally and openly. I didn't give him the chance to speak his objections to my expectations, either.
This works for me. Dbing has been helpful in asking for what I want, constructively. In normal circumstances, expectations are negotiated over time, and built in layers. But post bomb, both parties are almost at opposite ends of the spectrum, and the process of reconciliation seems to be charged with conflict. NG has said many times that we need to start from level zero, and I'm seeing the wisdom of his approach now. I need to shed my baggage from the 'old' relationship, and start a new.
Quote: In marriages, trust and expectations are closely aligned. When trust is broken, when someone violates the couple expectation (I expect you/trust you to remain faithful while married to me), then the balance in the R is forever changed, and can only change back with the full participation of the trust breaker.
I guess this is where the continuum of boundaries --> expectations --> trust gets realigned. Often, we feel uncomfortable, and it could be due to misalingment anywhere along this continuum.
Quote: I think the most important thing in a R is to trust yourself, and know you can handle whatever comes your way. And, to have expectations of yourself -- that you will be honorable, honest, open and fair. Ultimately, that's all we control, and all we can honor. See: In Trust We Trust This is a link sent to me by the wonderful Wonder, and I found it very useful.
Wonder and Michele - what a beautiful article. And it served well to highlight that maybe most of my issues are to do with not trusting myself, that I can deal with this. My lack of courage.
Slowly
