Quote: But why shouldn't we expect good things from the people we love? We deserve to expect good things. I know, I know. I'm having a hard time now because I have zeroed my expectations and now that H wants to be included again, I neglect to do so. Just because I don't expect him to be around or to care. Downer, sorry.I'm trying.
Mellanie - I agree to a point. I have a differing opinion of expectations as I think there is a time and place for reasonable, realistic expectations. But I'm still debating this w/NYS. I do know that there is a time and place when expectations are a bad thing, such as in the DBing process.
I'll see if I can get my thoughts together better to express my perspective in a way that makes sense. I can't seem to do that right now.............TJ
Hi Mellanie - The more I meditate on expectations, the more I see links to control.
Quote: But why shouldn't we expect good things from the people we love?
Sounds like because we love them, they should behave in a certain way, sooo, did they ask that we love them? This unconditional love is the hard part. Or, to turn it around, if they say they love us, they should behave in a certain way that we define? Neither seems right.
My option therefore is to enjoy what is, and manage my own expectations, because it is the only thing in my control. Not easy at all, but it seems practice does make perfect
This whole expectation thing is very interesting. I was reading yesterday about Trust and realized there are trust implications in expectations.
We expect that the bridge we drive over will not collapse. We trust the engineers who built it, even if we've never met them.
In marriages, trust and expectations are closely aligned. I trust STBXH will act responsibly when he has his time with the kids. I can also say that I expect him to act responsibly when he has the kids. I expected him to be responsible with our joint checking account -- I trusted him to be responsible with our joint checking account.
See what I mean?
When trust is broken, when someone violates the couple expectation (I expect you/trust you to remain faithful while married to me), then the balance in the R is forever changed, and can only change back with the full participation of the trust breaker.
I think the most important thing in a R is to trust yourself, and know you can handle whatever comes your way. And, to have expectations of yourself -- that you will be honorable, honest, open and fair. Ultimately, that's all we control, and all we can honor.
See: In Trust We Trust This is a link sent to me by the wonderful Wonder, and I found it very useful.
Hi Michele - Your presence in my thread is such a gift, thank you. I've been taking my time processing the points you make, trusting myself to sit with my feelings and thoughts for a while
Quote: I think in a partnership you have to have expectations. But they need to be spoken and understood by each partner. That's where I fell down in my M. I didn't speak my expectations, and was really disappointed when H failed to meet them. It's on me because I didn't tell him what I expected clearly, non-judgmentally and openly. I didn't give him the chance to speak his objections to my expectations, either.
This works for me. Dbing has been helpful in asking for what I want, constructively. In normal circumstances, expectations are negotiated over time, and built in layers. But post bomb, both parties are almost at opposite ends of the spectrum, and the process of reconciliation seems to be charged with conflict. NG has said many times that we need to start from level zero, and I'm seeing the wisdom of his approach now. I need to shed my baggage from the 'old' relationship, and start a new.
Quote: In marriages, trust and expectations are closely aligned. When trust is broken, when someone violates the couple expectation (I expect you/trust you to remain faithful while married to me), then the balance in the R is forever changed, and can only change back with the full participation of the trust breaker.
I guess this is where the continuum of boundaries --> expectations --> trust gets realigned. Often, we feel uncomfortable, and it could be due to misalingment anywhere along this continuum.
Quote: I think the most important thing in a R is to trust yourself, and know you can handle whatever comes your way. And, to have expectations of yourself -- that you will be honorable, honest, open and fair. Ultimately, that's all we control, and all we can honor. See: In Trust We Trust This is a link sent to me by the wonderful Wonder, and I found it very useful.
Wonder and Michele - what a beautiful article. And it served well to highlight that maybe most of my issues are to do with not trusting myself, that I can deal with this. My lack of courage.
A friend is someone who calls you just to see how you're doing.
A friend is someone who will listen to how you're feeling without trying to fix anything, without telling you what you should do.
A friend is someone who you can feel safe around, someone who you can be stupid around without feeling like an idiot.
A friend emphasizes your successes, and downplays your failures (or should I say "learning experiences"!).
A friend invites you try new things, but understands when you don't want to.
A friend is someone you can just be quiet with
A friend is someone who supports your uniqueness
A friend is someone who listens to what's behind what you're saying
A friend is someone who can be trusted
A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow. -- William Shakespeare
Quote: NG has said many times that we need to start from level zero, and I'm seeing the wisdom of his approach now. I need to shed my baggage from the 'old' relationship, and start a new.
My husband as said smoething similiar. He has told me at different times that if we were going to work this out and stay married he felt we needed to "start over". He said this long before I realized it myself. Then one evening I finally realized that I had to accept that my marriage and relationship with my husband were dead and that marriage and that relationship would never be revived again. That the only chance I had of being with my husband again was to start over completely.
My husband and I have since had a conversation in which we both agreed that if this is to work out, we both do not want the relationship we had before.
It's hard to wipe the slate clean and not remember the old stuff, but that's what we need to do if reconciliation is going to work.
Slowly, Hoping you had a great time with the facial today. So much good info to consider and ponder here. Takes a long time to process. Keeping you busy!! Midwest Seize the day
Slowly
Slowly