Hi Lnl - Thanks for stopping by - happily, the migraine is behind me But, it was an instructional experience on how we can adjust our expectations. Prior to the pain setting in, I had all sorts of plans, and therefore expectations. Once I was in the grip of the migraine, all I wanted was for the pain to go away. Everything else seemed secondary. I saw over at Tessa's thread an interesting post on expectations by NYSurvivor - it spoke so clearly to my struggles, I'm going to try to process some of it here.
Quote: Like there was one day she said she'd contact me that day, and didn't. Had I been my old self, I would've gotten frustrated that she didn't write when she said she would; I'd wonder what's going on; why would she do that; how could she promise to email and then not keep it and get incensed and probably even complain to her about it or bring it up...
But, since I modified my behavior to not need others to meet my expectations, what I felt was this: she didn't write, oh well, that's too bad. Something probably came up. or she didn't get around to it. So what? I'll speak to her another time.
Much calmer, much less thought and attention given to it, no angst whatsoever.
I still have problems with this, because I feel that it is only polite to inform the other party if our plans change. NG seems to have no problem breaking his word about calling back, though he has so far been good about letting me know if there are problems with any actuals dates.
Quote: About "lowering" expectations. While that sounds like a step, it's still keeping expectations. Expectations can be not met in two ways: 1. By not having the outcome realized at all and 2. By having the outcome realized but not as expected
So, even with a lowered expectation, the expectation stands the same chance of not being met. But there's more of a reason to get to zero expectations rather than keep them, albeit "lowered".
The question becomes, why do we have expectations, anyway? Isn't it, in essence, a shifting of responsibility from ourselves to another person, thus making them responsible to act according to our picture of what is right and perfect and acceptable? Of course, our own sense of what is idealistic, as I mentioned before, is sure to be met by failure from others, as they think differently than us, will act differently than us, and will do as they see fit, which is perfectly valid for them to do. Additionally, not even we ourselves will always act up to our own expectations, so how can we ever expect others to?
This has been my huge problem. Even lowered, expectations seem to be too high. So yes, really best I have none. Just get on with my own thing. Because yes, there are times when I cannot meet my own expectations (and this is perhaps the most frustrating of all ) so how can I possibly expect someone else to meet them?
Quote: When others fail to live up to our expectations, we tend to place blame. We tend to get frustrated. That frustration leads to depression. A rift is caused that prevents healing. It creates an "I'm right/you're wrong" competition or division in the relationship. It points to a lack in communication. It means you cannot accept your partner for who he or she is. It creates a feeling of insecurity. It creates distrust. It creates a power struggle for control in the relationship. It's a variation of the "my way or the highway" type of thinking.
Lots of good reasons not to have expectations at all. Ask yourself why must things be as per your expectations? Ask yourself why do you believe that your way of thinking is best or better than others? Ask yourself why do you cling to those beliefs? Visualize what the relationship could be like if you were freed from that thinking. Visualize what your relationship would be like if you and your partner were not chained by the other's expectations but were free to grow and each of you could simply be yourselves and how magnificent it can be to love someone and be loved for being yourselves.
I guess this is what we do at the begining of a relationship, and just maybe, the flush of romance has a lot to do with the lack of expectations?
But, it was an instructional experience on how we can adjust our expectations. Prior to the pain setting in, I had all sorts of plans, and therefore expectations. Once I was in the grip of the migraine, all I wanted was for the pain to go away. Everything else seemed secondary. I saw over at Tessa's thread an interesting post on expectations by NYSurvivor - it spoke so clearly to my struggles, I'm going to try to process some of it here. 
