I'm betting you are really onto something here with this line of thinking... because isn't this true about lots of R issues? How we frame them is a big part of how we feel about them and how we act around them!
Quote: I want to ask… you think something is missing, and it just isn’t “so” in your R, but….. is it possible that you have some disquiet in YOU that you need to address, an anxiety over something that may be totally unrelated to him, but it is a bit easier to pin on the R than deal with what is inside you?
If I had to sleuth out one big cause of what happened in my M it is the above on my XH's part. And my response for a long time (and admittedly even now once in a while) is this stuff:
Quote: Seriously, I think there are still control issues for me to work through. Things are not panning out exactly as I want them to, and therein lies the struggle. Letting go seems to happen for me in stages.
My experience is-- and this may not at all resonate for you, or it might-- that when it's ME having a disquiet inside me and projecting it on the R, I still tend to want to have the control over it. So I think asking the question--what part of this is about me and what needs I have, is a really valid one.
Learning to just let go does come in stages for me as well. And as it comes, so does more ability and interest to look at what's going on with myself versus "what's wrong with" XH's behavior. I think this works equally well for working to improve things during reconcilation and for when (in my case, not recommending to you!) as letting go when continuing to work on the R isn't the choice you need to make for yourself.
