Still Having Hope 2

[ValerieA]

Hello again, Sonni.

My 2 cents:

First-why the time frame and when it gets here has he forgotten that he told me this so he says it again?

IMO, I would forget all about the time frame. Yes, your H has "set" it but hasn't stuck to it, so I would just let it go if I were you. If you hold onto it, you're just creating expectations from H, and when those expectations aren't met, you're crushed, devastated, frustrated, etc....I think it's best to let it go. You can hope for the best, but you should also expect the worst.

In my sitch, my H wanted to try to work on the M for only 1 month.....then 2 months......now it's 3 1/2 months later.....So, again, don't worry about it.

Second- how can he leave there if he is still afraid to make OW mad?

Should you really care how OW feels ? Sorry -- I just don't think you should be concerned about this. H will leave when HE'S ready, and he will most likely be ready when YOU appear to be the better choice -- how's your PMA? Have you been GAL?

Oh, and have you been PRESSURING H about his decision to return home (asking about it, appearing to be "waiting" for him, etc)? If you have, this could possibly be why he hasn't come home yet. I'm not saying it is -- I'm just saying it's possible.

Third- he told S and D that he was coming back. How is he going to justify it to them when the time is up?

I don't know about this one. That is something your H will have to deal with if and when the time comes. How he does it will be up to him. Just be there for your kids and you.

Fourth- Would it help any for me to tell him that if he isn't coming back, to just let me know or should i just not say anything? My gut feeling tells me that i need to be more, i'm not sure of the wording but firm in reminding him of what he said about coming home.

I would have to firmly say NO. This could be seen as PRESSURE into making H make a decision he may not be ready for. And what do we know about pressure? It's not good, and it certainly won't get you any closer to your goals, right?

He says that he wants to and doesn't want to be there, but they why isn't he making more progress in moving this way or am i just not seeing what is happening?

I think when we have expectations, we want to see results, we want to see progress, and we want to see them fast.

Your H said he's coming home, and that could be some progress, but because he has said so, I think you're getting too anxious about it.

Step back a bit, Sonni. You might be coming off to H as pressuring, over-anxious, overly eager, etc. He might be backing off a bit, too, because of it.

I'm sorry if you're taking any of this the wrong way. I just know from my sitch that when I had expectations from H, they weren't met when I wanted them to be, and because of that, I've been hurt too many times.

Again, you can hope; just don't expect.

TIME and PATIENCE -- they are you're best friends in all of this!

JV