It sounds to me like a variation on Madonna/Whore syndrome. Sex is bad, so only bad women let themselves be used for sex, so if your W lets you use her for sex then she is a bad woman who deserves to be treated badly. By seeking out sex she degrades herself in your eyes and since you would rather love her than f*ck her you tried to keep her from doing this.
It's too bad that you didn't feel like you could talk to your W about some of your aggressive fantasies. Acting them out in the context of a loving sexual relationship might have helped you get past them. Many/most people, not just those who were abused, have a dark side to their sexuality. I've read that most male masturbatory fantasies are much more aggressive than their real life behavior. When my H and I engaged in a lot of phone sex last summer, this became quite clear to me. For instance, the verb "ram" was used a lot in his phone sex banter, but the action "ram" is not exactly part of his standard sexual repertoire.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
