I'm already at that stage with throwing in the towel. Last night H and I were text messaging and I pretty much told him I don't care anymore (it's on my thread... the whole texting convo: New thread: My H is talking Separation )
As for when family gets involved...I kept all the info from my parents for one month, just said my H was asking for a separation. When I reached my breaking point, a week before I left for Canada, I called them and told them everything...current OW and past one night stands.
Needless to say they were upset that i kept this from them and bottled up inside. My mother after that didn't necessarily write-off my H, but my father did. As the weeks progressed, and my folks fed off my emotions, they were hopeful when i was, upset when i was, etc.
I think having my family in the 'know' has definately made things worse if H and I were ever to get back together. I think it's one of the reasons why he doesn't want to work things out, and never wants me to bring up my parents to him again. OW is the easier choice for him now...a clean slate.
As someone once told me...once u open the toothpaste cap and squeeze out the toothpaste, u can't squeeze it back in . That's the hard part of having friends and family know your sitch... u could forgive and take back your H, but friends and family may never like him again.
If u think there is a chance still for u and your H, then I probably wouldn't tell your dad. My H was angry when I told him things my dad said about our sitch... I said "what did u expect...I'm his daughter"
In a way I wish this baby was a girl. Then I could ask my H how he would feel if a man did this to her one day. But it's a boy, and I asked him a month ago what kind of ethics and morals could we even teach this child? H's response, teach him to be himself ( as my H says he's doing now...being himself, true to himself and his feelings ). True to his feelings?? Feelings that change every day??
All our situations are messy, yet we need support from family and friends... it was a really tough call when it came down to telling anyone what is going on.
I know what you mean about family. We told both families IMMEDIATELY (I mean the bomb dropped and I drove to my parents', came back and he took the car to his parents'). They have been extraordinary, and I never could have made it through without them.
BUT........
H's shame is part of what's preventing him from coming back (the clean slate) and he can't imagine ever facing my family again. This is a huge hurdle for us. He trusts my forgiveness, but not theirs. And we're both huge family people. He is a weak man and may be too weak to attempt to repair this damage.
So then I have to ask the tough question - "Do I want a man too weak to face the consequences of his actions?"
good question! Do I want a man too weak to face the consequences of his actions???
My H says that currently he can face the consequences of his actions regarding what people are saying to him about OW and what he is doing. But if the role reversed, and we worked on this M, could he take the consequences then? It was a question he asked while I was in Canada on the phone... and I said we can't worry about what other people think, but admitted I wouldn't want anyone to think of me as stupid for taking H back. But with family it's harder... and I come from a european catholic family, and he knows them very well...it would be a huge uphill battle with them and he may be too weak for the challenge.
H's shame is part of what's preventing him from coming back (the clean slate) and he can't imagine ever facing my family again. This is a huge hurdle for us. He trusts my forgiveness, but not theirs. And we're both huge family people. He is a weak man and may be too weak to attempt to repair this damage.
So then I have to ask the tough question - "Do I want a man too weak to face the consequences of his actions?"
It's called "losing face".
This is the situation: a WAS leaves their mate and tells everyone how unhappy they were, and how much better he or she is now. Then, later, if there's a change of mind, there's a certain amount of losing face. Add to that that every family get together and interaction from that point forward will have some friends and relatives display an attitude or marked behavior influenced by their negative perception of the former WAS, or even just the former WAS living under the dark cloud of it all, and that makes for a very uncomfortable journey. Is it really about weakness? I don't think so, because that alone won't stop someone from being with the person they want to be with. I think it has to do more with having to face up to their guilt over and over again everytime there's some family involved, family that won't move forward. Who wants to live like that?
That's a good point. I know how vulnerable and resentful and judged I have felt in the company of his family, and I'm the 'victim'. I cannot imagine how deep his shame runs, and he knows that my family has been intimately acquainted with all the details. It's a big hurdle. One he put up himself, but I guess that's irrelevant at this point.
My family has communicated through me and through his parents that they are willing to forgive and are not interested in confrontations. But he's still terrified. Especially of my brother, the former pro-football player.
Is there any other way to reassure him that he won't live in judgement?
Am still keeping the truth from my dad. Dad's quite "blurr" - you could be discussing it in front of him, and he would not have "heard" it correctly - which is quite good. Found out over the weekend that all my sisters knew about my H and the OW waaaayyy in February (I only found out in April). They actually texted him and warned him that he would never ever see his boys, and apparently he told them that he has already settled the "problem", which of course he didn't. My sisters found out because their friend saw him with the OW, arms around her waist and he actually hit her butt...in an apartment show unit. They were actually looking at properties!! Now, I am still wondering if he actually bought something with her!!! Anyways, finally told my sisters the details..they were rather appalled at the extent of H's deceit and lies. They said that they didn't tell me because he said he settled it. They did say that they find it funny to look him in the eye... As most of you said, H may find it difficult to "Come Back" because all the anger that he may receive from our relatives and friends. In spite of all, my mom still talks to him in a civil way, so, I don't know if that is really a factor of H finding difficulty. I think it is more about himself...deep within, he is still thinking of the "loss" of the "love his life" instead of focussing on his responsibilities and realities of life.
H said he went for an informal interview over the weekend for another job at a foreign country??? I really don't know what he is his intentions. To get away from her? Or to get away from us?
And, he said he will going to the beach resort with us...we'll see if he chickens out in the last minute!
Nothing much happened. H worked till late last night. He came back after I was in bed, and left real early this morning. So, we haven't really communicated at all. Except that he called me few times this morning, asking me about where to pay his car loan. He he he...now he knows about the hassle. I have been the one doing it for him all these while.
Really don't know what is the status with the OW. Don't care at the moment. Don't really know what's going on in H's mind either. Anyways, gonna go our dinner together for a friend's b'day dinner tonight. We'll see how it goes...
Oh...had lots of compliments from my coworkers today. They said I looked good, absolutely glowing. WOW...really good for my confidence. One even asked if I used botox! Ha ha ha. I think must be my PMA and not going crazy with things running wild in my mind!
YoYo Girl - Keep doing what you are doing and at least he has agreed to the holiday. All I can say is that each time you have contact with him act "as if". Act happy as though you really are enjoying yourself do some stuff with people he doesnt know and dont always tell him who you are doing it with. Let him be the one guessing where you are and who you are with it really gets them curious. As long as they think you are there for them whenever they want(which we are we just dont let them know it) they will not worry about us but when they think that we are o.k without them it seems to change them. I know it is hard but it is working for me. I just dangle the bait in really subtle ways and wait for him to bite he is starting to and now I have to just reel him in very very slowly, so he doesnt get away. I know it sounds like a game and in a way it is but one I intend on winning. Who knows you can only try and by having a good time without them if it doesnt work at least you may feel comfortable with yourself. Good luck and I will watch your posts....Kim....
Thanks Kim! I was just driving back to work after lunch and was wondering if I should "ask" some questions...THANKS! I know the answer now...I shouldn't ask anything at the moment. I am going to act "as-if" that nothing has ever happened between us. Will have a good time tonight at dinner with our long-term mutual friends...Yes, they all know about our sitch, and this is the first time that we are getting together after the bomb. Don't know if they can be at ease with both of us at the same table, and me acting "as-if". I am sure the wives all have many questions for me...mmmm
Some one sent me this the other day, and I think it is very meaningful and helpful, and I wanna share with all of you on this board.
> > The most destructive habit......................Worry > > The greatest Joy...............................Giving > > The greatest loss................Loss of self-respect > > The most satisfying work...............Helping others > > The ugliest personality trait.............Selfishness > > The most endangered species.........Dedicated leaders > > Our greatest natural resource...............Our youth > > The greatest "shot in the arm"..........Encouragement > > The greatest problem to overcome.................Fear > > The most effective sleeping pill........Peace of mind > > The most crippling failure disease............Excuses > > The most powerful force in life..................Love > > The most dangerous pariah..................A gossiper > > The world's most incredible computer........The brain > > The worst thing to be without................... Hope > > The deadliest weapon.......................The tongue > > The two most power-filled words..............."I Can" > > The greatest asset..............................Faith > > The most worthless emotion..................Self-pity > > The most beautiful attire......................SMILE! > > The most prized possession................Integrity > > The most powerful channel of communication.....Prayer > > The most contagious spirit.................Enthusiasm > > The most important thing in life..................GOD
