Some updates on my dodo H. He is still as confused as ever. Still says he wants to move out, and said to me "you won't believe me if I said I will be alone?" to which I replied no, of course. He said he feel like leaving. I said to him that it is really his choice. I really don't care anymore (which I shouldn't have said that, very anti DBing). He said "then, why am I here". He also said "I'm supposed to have broken up". I asked "supposed? means you have not?" He said "trying very hard". I mean what is he trying to do? I really don't understand. I also told him that a normal guy would never tell his wife all those things that he has told me. He kept quiet on that. I almost given up on this guy!!!! I am having so much pressures now to kick this guy out...BUT I won't!!! It will have to be his choice. H is really one confused a@@. He left after our little "discussion". So, I thought he may have left?
Anyway, he came back after I've fallen asleep and jolted me up from bed, and we . Have to say, am a little ashamed of my LOW willpower to hold him off. After that, he went out again. I really don't know where?!! Didn't care. Went to bed.
The next morning, he was up really early. Said he had to attend a convention, and left and he said he will call me to wake me up, which he did.
Oh...and he also said that he won't go with us to our beach holiday with the boys. My old H would never ever let me go to some faraway place by my own with the boys. Am also gonna drive up to some hill resort this weekend by myself. Again, old H would never have allowed that.
I have digressed so much from DBing, that I really have to re-focussed. But this guy is making me go haywire. I really have to compose myself.
I hate to say this...but I somehow feel that my sitch now seems to be worse than before he "decided". Now, after he has "decided" to break it off with the OW, he seems to be weirder! I don't know how I should react anymore. I know R talks are bad. But should I actually ask him if he wants to rebuild our M? Should I ask or say anything anymore? I mean what needs to be said, has all been said. I need some advice please!!!
I don't know..perhaps my H is slightly different from normal WASs? I know we shouldn't say ILY, but somehow, I feel that my H wants me to tell him that IL him and I need and want him. Should I say it to him, and see his reaction? I somehow sense that he feels that if he has tried to give OW up, and I should be happy and shower him with love and all....I really don't know anymore..
I wonder if we all wonder if our spouses are different from other WASs. I know how much I read other people's stuff and think "That is sooo different from H. Oh, he'll never do that. Thank god he doesn't do THAT. Oh, how I wish he'd do THAT!" Like, we still haven't had a fight. No harsh words since he left. We're bizarre.
BUT that being said, I understand what you mean about ILY (not that my H wants me to say it - just the opposite). Look at past responses. Does he say it back? What is his body language? Would it maybe drive him crazy (ie motivate him) to WANT to hear it, but not hear it? Does he want to hear it so that he knows you are still 'conquered'?
And finally, I know that you do love him, but he seems to be displaying some pretty cruel behaviours (in his statements). Are you sure you want to tell THIS version of your H that you love him? Or do you want to see your old H and tell THAT GUY that you love him? You may have to wait, but it may be more true and satisfying.
Have to say that my H is kinda weird. He had said that he always loved me, and always will. It's just that he loves the OW too, and more. *sigh* It is kinda depressing.
We had another R talk, which was bad!! It showed how much he is still thinking about her, wanting her. How do I avoid these talks? Told him that as long as he still lives in the house and still gives the kids the impression that he is a "good daddy", I am going to tolerate his confusion, pendulum swings and indecision for another 10 months. Thereafter, he really need to decide ONCE and for ALL. I know it is an ultimatum, but I think I have to put a stand after all he has done to sanity. He said that he will not want to prolong this for another 10 months...again wouldn't be fair the HER!! blah blah blah.
If he does decide to leave the family, I will have to make arrangements to tell the kids, to sort out our mortgage, our joint accounts etc. Once he moves out of the house..I will file for "desertion" and claim maintenance for the boys. Then only divorce will happen 2 years later. I will not let him of the pleasure of having a "divorce". It's my call. He has no rights in this. (Have consulted my lawyer in the beginning when this happened. He thought he could file for divorce and be done with us. And start a new life with the b*&ch. But NOOO..... Btw, we adhere towards the British Legal System, so a little different from the States. I can also claim for his future earnings as well. Not only current.)
Anyway, I re-read some parts on DR yesterday. Have to say that I am yoyo-ing on alot of the principles. Really have to be consistent. Really have to stop the R talks. How do I stop it when he keeps bringing it up???
Quote: Really have to stop the R talks. How do I stop it when he keeps bringing it up???
What worked for me last time was when he started to bring up the R, I said gently "We don't have to keep doing this". He said that he felt like we ought to. I said "Unless either of us has anything new to say, why keep hurting each other?"
One of the biggest problems with R talks is that we are just repeating the same things over and over. Oh, we might have new analogies or examples to back up our argument, but it really all comes down to the same old stuff. So what's the point of rehashing every few days? Or weeks?
If neither of you has anything new to say, then what's the point? And if he has something new to say (I can almost guarantee that we LBS have nothing new cuz we've all talked ourselves hoarse) then keep it short, information-based and non-emotional. Validate, be interested and agree. Thank him for sharing and then move on.
Hey Yo-Yo, I know how you feel and it is confusing....We do all the hardwork when they are the one that caused the problem. Anyway I guess we wouldnt be here if we didn't love them and that is the problem. The other person giving you advice sounds good I would listen to them. I dont feel I have experienced enough of DB to offer advice just words of understanding and encouragement. Keep trying but maybe somehow stop him in a nice way about the OW talks as that hurts too much to hear about OW. Maybe say I understand it is hard for you but I cant help you with OW. It is a situation you and only you can sort out but I hope for all our sakes you work it out soon. Maybe that's too much but I am sure someone will say I am wrong if i have veered off the track. Goodluck and know some of us are still learning too. It's sheer hard work but hopefully it will give us all much better futures which ever way they work out....Kim
Kim - Thanks for your words...Just gonna take one day at a time...
Journallin...
I have decided to zip up my mouth and throw the key away....This seems to be a better option than trying to say something "nice" or "appropriate". Everything I tried to say something, it always seem to come out wrong. So, this is defintely a better option.
Two nights ago, H did say that he wants to sleep in separate rooms, but when he came back last night, I was already asleep...thought he would sleep in the guest room. But crawled into our bed. Played with my mobile. Programmed my sons' favorite song into my mobile. Now, when I call him, the song will actually be played on my phone. I was like "huh? the boys would then call you on purpose just to hear the song". Didn't really talk much. Told me that he had to travel out of state this weekend, gonna stay with a friend. Again, had nothing to say, so, kept quiet.
This morning..I told him that two of my co-workers went to his company's seminar. He asked "How come they didn't look up for me? How come you didn't come? Thought you would come over to spy on me!". To which I answered "Although the location is my usual lunch hangout, I decided to not go over there...". He was rather amused "Why? Afraid that you will bump into me?" to which I kept quiet.
Said that he would pick the boys up from my mom's and spend the afternoon with them, and said "If I want to spent time with my boys, they would want to too". Again, kept quiet...
Mmm....Hope I don't portray that I have become dumb...
Sometimes I think throwing the towel in would be soooo much easier than tolerating H's behaviours and patiently waiting for him to come around....
He is still undecided about the beach trip. He wants me to keep his ticket for him. But then again, he said maybe change the ticket for my mom, but with the possibility of changing it back to his name. I am like "We are travelling on Thursday. How many times do you want to change the ticket???" I know I have to be understanding and all. But what the heck is he trying to do? For the whole world to wait for him?
H just called and apologised about the trip. He said he needed to contact his superior about taking vacation. Again...in my heart I was like "hello???? I told you about the trip TWO months ago!!" I am really quite fed-up with this guy. Sometimes I really wonder..."Is this the guy I married? Do I really still want this guy? He doesn't do anything for me or the boys other than bringing in the bacon!"
Plus...he just p*ssed by dad off today....(my dad doesn't know about his A), and when my mom tried to calm him down, my dad asked her "Does he have an OW? I want to get a PI". OOOPS!!! Think my mom's got to sort that one out.I still don't want my dad to know the truth. He will go ballistic and confront H. I don't want my DBing efforts to go to a big FAT ZERO not that I have done very well in my DBing efforts.. H did say that he is kinda afraid of my dad...
. Have to say, am a little ashamed of my LOW willpower to hold him off. After that, he went out again. I really don't know where?!! Didn't care. Went to bed.
It is kinda depressing. 