NYSurvivor - Thanks!!! You are really full of wisdom! I will have to continue to portray that I am GAL and am HAPPY. (I could tell that he was kinda expecting for me to sit at home and wait for him forever...)
This is really a roller coaster!!! Really want to scream!!!! ARRRGGGG!!! I really want to give them (H and OW) a real big whack on their heads. Hopefully, their thick skull will break and their brains can get more oxygen and can function better!!!
H just told me over IM that he tried to break it up with her but is sooooo difficult because he kept running back to her, and she kept running back to him. What the h@#k is happenning? Don't they have brains or something? The brain is certainly a more powerful organ than the heart. Why can't they use their brains and not their hearts? My god! They are two grown adults...surely they know how to use their brains, right??
Sorry if I am venting..but I can't help it. I need to do it here. Otherwise, I will be sending messages and emails to H bombarding him!! I just did some lecturing over the IM (I know that it was anti-DBing, but just couldn't help myself that he is sooooo stupid!!!) telling him that at the end of the day, my kids and her kids (if he has some with her) will have to settle for 50% of a father. None will ever get 100%!!! Unless he is totally abandoning our kids to give her future kids 100%. I am rambling...but I really need to rant!!! ARRRRGGGG!!! I can't stand it. I have to say that I hate him at this point!!!! Really want to smack the living daylights out of him!!! GEEZ....
Enough ranting. H did say that he wants to get an overseas posting away ....I agreed with him, but only if he is really going alone. There is not much point if she goes with him...It would mean that he has decided to be with her. I really hate this idiot!!!
Yoyo - we are in the same place. I want to give you wise and compassionate advice, but all I can think of is how sick of all this I am.
For the first time I see how H can see D as a peaceful alternative. I'd love to file papers and just end this bs. I won't because I know it would be just the beginning of a fresh hell, but whatever.
I just did some lecturing over the IM ... I know that it was anti-DBing, but just couldn't help myself
Really? You don't have control over your typing fingers? Who does then, if not you? ;-)
Look, I've been around this and other boards long enough to see familiar patterns. There are those people who continue to dwell and obsess on their WAS, assuming things, presuming things, analyzing, mind reading, having expectations that aren't met, which then creates a spiral downward into angst and more negative thoughts, which then causes more anger, backsliding and un-DB actions. There's always an excuse to minimize the behavior, followed by more of the same. Their situations never go anywhere, except to lead to frustration, impatience and the inevitable decision to call it quits because WAS hasn't come along.
Then there are those that diligently DB, and out of those, some reconciliate. The others know they've left no stone unturned. Many of them, however, find themselves in the process and are more optimistic about their future than they were at first, though sad about what's happened.
There are a few ways, therefore, that all this ends. Which of those paths do you want to be on? Walk the walk of the path you want. To quote Yogi Berra, "Wherever you're going, that's where you'll end up".
OK, OK, NYS. You're right. I had a 24 hour patch of negativity. BUT I don't have the attention span to stay down for long.
Dusting myself off and revisiting my game plan. I'm not sure if my previous game plan was making progress with h (thought there were signs) but clearly it wasn't working for ME!
Friday night, had another talk with H. I didn't lecture but just highlighted all those "lecturing" points again. (He started it!!! Honest.)
Went to watch Star Wars with the kids on Saturday AM. Was telling my kids "Anakin is sooo stupid. He had so many advices to NOT go to the dark side, and yet he want to be BADDDDD!!! blah blah blah.." After the movie, in the car we had a little tiff, and I decided to go out dinner with some girlfriends. That night, he gave me a call on my mobile and told me that he wanted to talk to me. Went home and he told me that he broke of with the OW. He said that the reasons that he broke off with her was 1) for the boys 2)didn't want everyone at work to label her a homewrecker. (hello??? Where am I over here??) And he is in a lot of pain. As if I am not!! Told me again that he really loved her. And if he had chosen to leave the family, it would not be that hurtful. (Don't you think that he is such an a@@hole???) Said he had a lot of memories with her. (Hello???? You were with the bl@@dy bitch for 7-8 months, and you have a lot of memories??? What is our 18 years? Bl@@dy nightmares???) Said they planned a future together, to move away together! (A@@hole - how the hell are you gonna be a proper father if you are moving to another country??? A@@hole!! And to say that you LOVE the boys!!!) Do I really have to hear all the details? The many many times that he is in great pain because he is sooooo in love with her??? He says he needs time alone!! I had all these sh*tty feelings in me. All those times that he said he went away for work, he actually went with HER!!! I really want to kill him!!! and her!!!! Felt really sh*tty. Slept over it.
This morning....I went out on my own for almost the whole day. And when I came back, he still kept on saying that if he could be with her blah blah blah. And wanting to tell our son that "daddy doesn't love mommy anymore". What the heck? I really got kinda pissed off. I know I shouldn't have but I told him to stop taunting me, and if he wants to leave just bl@@dy go. I can't stand it!! I know NY is gonna give me good bashing on my head. But why aren't I elated with him saying that he has broken off with her???
I don't know what to expect and do over the course of the next weeks...I've read that they would be moody and depressed. Yes, he is depressed and moody. Provided he doesn't continually taunt me with his stupid love for the b@#ch, I will continue to have PMA and GAL.
By the way, I was right about him moving into her place if he were to move out. The b@#ch actually reserved an apartment for him. How the hell was he gonna think with her around??
I don't know anymore....Now he says he wants to move to another country...I am one complete mess!!
What a day! That's really hard. But focus on the positives... he's ended it with her. It's natural (even if it is hurtful) that he's going to have residual feelings for her. It's the ending it that's important. He has to mourn it, then be motivated to reconcile with you. It's all a process but even though he SAID hurtful things, his actions are all beneficial to your marriage. Just trust it and allow him a chance to get past it. Nope, he doesn't 'deserve' it, but I've found that if you throw 'deserve' out the window, it helps you detach.
Hang in there! What's the most fun thing you can do today?
Anna - Really needed those encouraging words. Have this really scary thought that he might say that he cannot bear losing her and decides to run back to her. He did say that letting her go is more hurtful then letting the family go. *sigh* I mean, he is still working with her...how can he really get over it? Mourn over the loss if he still sees her, long for her at work?
I know I have no control over his actions, only mine. So, I guessed I really really MUST STOP dwelling on what he will or will not do. In my head, I know what is the right stuff to do, but in my heart, my emotions are in turmoil. But I really must focus on myself and the kids for my sanity's sake.
Fun thing today? Can't think of any at the moment. The boys' have gone off to a little tour to a "money museum" and a "restaurant kitchen". Kinda exciting for them...Unfortunately mommy can't go...got to work. Think really have to start focusing on my work proper. Productivity at work had been almost non-existent. Thank goodness my superior is understanding. Really have to pick myself up and start living my life for myself. I made him go and pay his own bills...I have been doing it for him for I don't know how long. He was surprised that he needed to input so many numbers for just one credit card! I will wait to see how long this goes before he requests for my help.
