Got another bombshell on Friday. Found out the OW is in-fact working in the SAME company!!!
All the lies that she was in another state!!! I cannot believe all the lies that he concocted. H said that he didn’t want matters to be worse than it is already. I mean what can it be worse than me finding out the truth by myself, and knowing that he lied on top of lies? I mean he has already told me the heart-wrenching statement of “I LOVE HER” already and even told me that he wants to leave us. That already stabbed me with the biggest knife already. So, I don’t see why the other truths will make matters worse. You know…I was recovering from all this, my wound was healing, and then another knife struck on Friday (13th May….) and I need to re-start the healing process… *sigh*
I felt sooooo stupid, some more wondering if H would be moving to the other state where OW stays. Wondering where H would be staying if he moved out. Now, that’s not really a factor is it? H could always move in with her. And he was building on the lies too… with the assurance of “Don’t worry, I won’t be going over to that state”. Of course I needn't have to worry ...because she is there sitting nicely in his office waiting for him. All these while, I kept pondering and pondering “how can a 6 /7 month relationship that H sees about once a month be sooooooo serious and hot”. *sigh* . Now, with her being in his office day and night. Of course ...he sees her more than he sees me or the boys. Of course she will have his heart more than the three of us combined. The hours that he spends with all three of us is less than the time he spends with her. Now, it really made sense. No wonder it is sooooo difficult for him to cut the ties with her. At the rate he spends his time in the office, she does have more link to him than us. I queried jokingly some time back if H would have some hanky-panky with a co-worker, and his answer was “ I am more professional than that” !!!
I don't know if the other co-workers knows. I cannot believe that H actually would risk his reputation and job for this thing with the OW. Some companies would ask one or the other to leave the company if found out.
And speaking of her…how can H say that she doesn’t know he is married? That is a load of baloney that I can make enough sandwiches for the whole World. I mean half of his company has seen me and the boys. Also, she doesn’t want to break-up a family? That little witch is very clearly OUT THERE to break a family. The fact that she is waiting for him to choose is for H to choose her. What for wait if she thinks otherwise???
I can't stand all these lies....I was really upset on Friday night...couldn't sleep the whole night. I know I shouldn't have but I called H up on Sat morning to tell him that I know the truth...(H left for a business trip on Friday). I am wondering how many more skeletons I am going to discover...
Hi, you will probably find alot of skeltons. So far my H has got a new cell phone using her address, and also opened a bank account w/ her name on it. They have only been talking for 2 months and only seeing each other on weekends and talking on phone. I guess we have to let them learn themselves and fall and hit hard. I wish you luck. I wish they would realize how much it hurts the kids. They just don't get it do they?
With such a big bombshell...I am indeed very afraid to find out how many skeletons are there...and what type of skeletons.
My major fears are if 1)she is pregnant and 2) he has purchased a property with her... God! Then that would be very very difficult for H to lean over this side of the fence. GOsh...I can't breathe...
H told me "don't be crazy. She is not pregnant". Don't know to believe him or not after all the lies.
Got an email from H today. He said if I really wanted to know the truth..the truth is that he wants me, the boys and also the OW. He says he love me, but the problem is that he loves her lots too.
He says he may want to move out to collect his thoughts. I told him that if he do that, means he has chosen to be with her. I mean I really don't buy that he would be staying alone by his own. Really don't buy it.
*sigh* I really don't know what to do. I know DB'ing means to continue to be NICE to him even if he moves out. How do I do that? I don't think I can manage to be nice knowing that he has decided to be with her than his flesh and blood.
Plus I don't think my parents will allow me to be a door mat. I am a whole load of nerves...
I just sent another email to H. Telling him that I would prefer him to stay at home while he decides who to be with, me or the OW. Told him that I don't want the kids hurt unnecessarily.
And if he leaves, then it would mean that he chose her. And the kids and I can get over the hurt, rebuild our lives thereafter.
Basically, I think I have given him the go-ahead to continue to see the OW while still living at home? Am I a doormat?
But he may not want to live at home too. He says he may want to give up the two women??? Somehow think that is baloney...perhaps it's easier to say that, and then go to the OW rather than tell me straight to my face that he wants to leave me.
I know I did a lot of anti-DB'ing today. I sent H 5 emails today. I was telling myself that I will leave him alone to think on this trip, and yet, I have been emailing non-stop. Sent him 3 emails yesterday. I know I know...I have to stop all these pursuing.
I backslide bad!!! In my emails, I accused him of ditching responsibilities etc etc. I know I have to validate his feelings etc etc. But I really didn't know what to do, and sent all these horrible emails to him. I hope I have not pushed him further away.
I really don't know what to do. I want him to choose me and the boys soooo badly. I want him to leave the OW so badly. I really love him so much, and can't bear all this happening to my family. All these while, I thought we were fine. I mean we had problems in the M. Who doesn't? Just didn't know that he would run to another W...a co-worker to that effect. I mean he would risk his job and reputation to have a R with this OW.
I really have to sleep this out...and stop pursuing.
It's not that you're being a doormat, it's that everything you're doing is not helping your sitch.
You're speculating. All that thought you gave to whether H was going to move to another state turned out to be for nothing. So it is with most speculating. The imagined scenarios and questions that arise only torment but do not uncover the truth nor does it bring around a reconciliation.
The reason he finds his A more appealing than the relationship with you is because his A is new and he's infatuated. That does not compare with an older, matured relationship.
To hound him with 31 reasons why not to have an affair and five emails and conversations that show how devastated you feel is not attractive to someone who is looking at someone else that's feeding his ego. If you want him to seriously reconsider a relationship with you, you have to become the better option. You don't become the better option by trying to reason or argue him back to you. That doesn't work. That repels.
You need to get busy focusing on yourself, not on H and especially not on the OW (pretend she doesnt even exist) and filling your life pursuing your own interests and hobbies. As you do so, you will re-establish your own equilibrium and find that H's significance wanes. He is only a part of your life and right now, you have given him too much power over you. Stop trying to analyze what H is thinking, doing, might do. Dwelling on those thoughts is fruitless and painful, and the pain is needless. You are creating your own misery.
When you back off and GAL, it becomes easier to practice detachment. detachment is not permitting one's self to be emotionally triggered by another person. You have to resolve that you will treat H as if he were a good friend rather than a H right now.
It's also when you back off and stop the pursuit that H's focus can change. Right now, you are enabling him to be focused on your pursuit, which will distance him. take that away and he is more likely to reflect on you rather on the things that repel him from you.
For your own sake, you need to create a new world for yourself that makes you happy. You cannot expect H to make you happy. When H sees that you genuinely are happy without him, that can cause a shift in his perception about you, as it brings down his guard.
These things take time, so have patience. Whenever you feel like emailing him or pursuing, hold off one day. You need to influence a change in the dynamics between you two. If you feel you can't, then go dark for now. Take the time off to read the books, read the success stories here. You'll see these are the common elements to climb out of the despair. One way or the other, whether H comes back or not, you need to be the one who comes out of this better.
NY - Thanks for your advice. I know that I have been hounding him. I have actually been doing quite well for about 5-6 weeks. I have kept calm and not questioning about him or the OW. But the revelation on 13/May that the OW works in the same company just made my mind go crazy again and wanting to ask more and more questions.
I know 5 emails yesterday was an overkill. His latest reply says it all...He says he is tired of all this and wants me to stop saying all the things that he already knows. I know he is very upset by the sound of his email, and he hasn't called me today.
I know I have to stop badgering and distance. I will stop emailing him and stop calling him. I know I have to stop getting paranoid about him and the OW. I know I have to focus on myself and my kids. I just have to focus and get by another two days without hounding him then I am off with some girlfriends on a short trip. I am sure I will be busy enjoying myself and not think about H or the OW. (I HOPE!! Fingers crossed) Hope this is an example of GAL.
I have read the DR and am aware that what I am doing now is pushing him further away. But it is soooo difficult. I just cannot understand how he can think that everything will be still hanky-dory for the kids. How can he say that he loves the kids??? I know I am a complete mess....
I just cannot understand how he can think that everything will be still hanky-dory for the kids.
WASs are in pain. Seeking relief from that pain has priority over family. That's all there is to that. Don't look for logic, this has to do with emotions.
I have been reading a lot of articles about affairs and such, and know that there is no logic or rationale behind affairs. But the problem is that I kept on thinking...how can someone that seems to be such a smart guy be such a dumb a**?
I have been quite good yesterday. I did not call him nor send him any emails nor leave any messages on his mobile. He tried calling this morning but I "missed" the calls. Think he got a little concerned and contacted my mom. Originally intended of not sending him any messages on his mobile, but am now contemplating of just leaving a short one like "boys are fine. Phone is whacko. Contact mom if you need anything. Got to go. BYe!" How's that?
Seriously, I am getting rather numb by the whole sitch now. I guessed I will go through a downturn when he delivers his decision that he will move out? Ok..Okay..I am stopping this speculation...He might stay, right?
NY- I am gonna stop with my assumptions and speculating. Thanks for telling me to stop this. Everytime should there me a flicker of speculation creeping into my mind, I shall think about you.
As I said...just have to get through another day and I am off to my little girlie trip...Also, am lining up some dinner/drinks for next week. GAL GAL GAL....
