I have been married for almost 9 years (together for almost 18). Found out H was having an affair about a month ago. Am so confused with my feelings. One day, I am so angry that I want to throw him out..Another, I am calm, another am hurting as hell. H told me that he is "in love" with OW, whom he met about 7 months ago, and sees only about once a month as she lives in another state. H says he is "stressed" at work and is confused, and needs two months to decide what he wants to do. We have two kids, 7 1/2 and 5 years, whom H says he adores and is convinced that even if he leaves the family, all will continue to be "hunky-dory" for the kids still....
It's quite normal to be all over the map with your feelings after finding out about an affair. A good book is "After the Affair" -- it may help you realize the normalcy of the feelings you're experiencing.
Have you read "Divorce Remedy" yet? That's a good place to start to get you on the DB wagon.
You mention job stress for h...that can be a big factor. What about your M? What would you say h's concerns are about it? Tell us more about the four of you!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Am feeling more composed today. And I think am more rational. I was quite a wreck yesterday. Sobbing my eyes out at work, and was rambling on and on that I wanted to kick him out. Last nite was nice. H came back early from work (which is 9.30 pm…. He has been working till past 11.00 pm for the last few weeks)..we talked about his work, his soccer team, the kids’ antics of the day, friends etc…Was really like old times …*sigh* wished there was never ever an OW.
I have not read any of the DB’ing books but have ordered “Divorce Remedy" and have just received a notice that delivery would be within this week.
Found out H was having an A about a month ago. She lives in another state and he sees her about once a month. He says that he is "in love" with her and do not love me as much as before, though he still cares for me. I have 2 boys (7 ½ and 5). I have suspected something was amiss for about 5 months now. All sorts of funny and crazy thoughts kept rushing through my mind. I thought I was going crazy and even contemplated of seeing a shrink. I started to snoop, and could not find anything. He was careful, yet very suspicious. Then about a month back, I found proof. He denied it at first. I have to say that I felt both devastated and relieved that I was not CRAZY!!
H works for a very competitive firm, which he just started work with about 1 ½ years ago. I guessed I didn’t see the work pressures affecting him, and perhaps I was always nagging and nagging whenever he comes back home, and that pushed him towards the OW? He is still saying he is very very busy at work, and have no time to think about us, our M, the kids or the OW. He says he needs about 2 months (from THE DAY) to decide what he wants to do with our M. Sometimes, am so angry that I want him to choose now either the family or OW, but he says that he will not be pressured to choose now.
Meanwhile, he expects everything at home to be the same, including sex. When I try to detach, he would say "are you in one of your funny moods again?", so, I am expected to be “normal”. I have to say that R talk really makes things worse. When I first found out about the OW, he said he is totally committed to the M and will leave the OW, then after about a week, we had a R talk, and the situation got worse. The more we talk, the more I find that he cannot leave the OW, and his commitment to the M diminishes… I have resolved to not talk about our R anymore, even if he tries to probe. The most recent thing thing that I said to him was that if he feels that he would be really happy and be a better person with the OW, then he can go, I won't stop him. Not that I can anyway.
He says he loves the kids, which really makes me feel sick..I am thinking "why can't he give the OW up for the love of the kids?" How does a 6 -7 month relationship compare with our 18 years together and our 2 boys?? He thinks that all will remain the same with the kids, his family, friends even if he decides to leave the family. No. He has not decided yet...We are still about a month from his self-imposed deadline. He says either way, he will make a decision as otherwise, it wouldn't be fair for both I and the OW. Feel like slapping him but have not! Don't want him to think that he has the right to leave now since I have taken out on him.
Meanwhile…..I am trying to control my feelings…and be calm.
p/s My irrational behaviour yesterday was not known to him….
Just an hour ago...I was feeling fine and thinking things are not as bad. Out of the blue, my SIL (who is ablivious to all) sends me an SMS on my mobile saying that 'I have been disrespectful to my MIL, my boys, and throwing tempers around as if I am so smart. And if I would be nicer, then I would have more friends blah blah blah'. What did I ever to do deserve such [censored]? I called her and told her "YOu want the truth? Truth is your brother is having another W and wants to leave the family.!!!!" And the nerve of her, saying that I should calm down and talk to her properly. I wondered who was the one sending me nasty SMSs and shouting through the phone at me???
Can't help it. Called H and told him that his sis has just bombarded me...He was upset and said that he will call his sister to give him a piece of his mind...I don't know..now he says he is coming over to have lunch with me???
The weekend was great. H requested a home-cooked meal, which I willingly cooked. I have not made anything for him for ages. On one hand, it seemed that he is committed to the M. He said that he had to go away, but I was to not worry as he will not be going to the state where the OW is. But later in the night, he said something to the extent that "If our situation goes the other way, I will be afraid to face your parents". So, does that mean he is still on the fence or contemplating of going the other way??
Also, (Oh...my Divorce Remedy book came on Friday..and have been reading...) I know that I am suppose to "lovingly distance", but is it OKAY to ask him out??
Mmmm...had a long discussion with H last night. He started it. I was civil and composed throughout (with a bit of tears in the beginning) our conversation/discussion. Somehow, he knows what is right and wrong, and yet he is leaning towards leaving us for the OW. Told him that it may be easy for him to throw away 18 years, but it would be rather difficult for me. Told him I will never ever kick him out. Leaving would be totally his own choice. Most of his friends know of our situation, but all are neutral. His lawyer told him that he will not be his lawyer for any D, though he could recommend. Somehow, H thinks all will be alright after he leaves. He doesn't like me to mention that the boys will be in a SINGLE PARENT FAMILY and I will be a SINGLE MOTHER. I told him that I am just stating the facts.
Discussed about him breaking the news to his mom, my parents blah blah..I briefly mentioned about the OW as his "little special friend", and he asked why I couldn't use her name. Told him that I was rather civil to call her OW or "little special friend" cause there are a thousand of deragatory names that I could use such as b*t@h, sl*t, t*rt etc etc. He thought about it and laughed....
I was being philosophical...I told him nobody NEEDS anybody..it's a matter of wants. She doesn't need you, but she wants you. You don't need her but you want her. I don't need you but I want you...The only NEED here are the boys. The boys NEED their father. MMmmm wonder if that went into his thick skull. I was very calm mind you...
I told him that he and his little special friend could be in their little special world...and he said why should it be little? Well, his sisters said that he will probably lose his sisters if he chooses the other way (oh..by the way, my SILs actually apologized to me after finding the truth!), his friends' wives would not want to have anything to do with the OW. Said all this in a very very calm voice. Honest! Cross my heart.
Anyway, ...I think I am using this as some kind of a journal. Read somewhere that it would be good to collect my thoughts....
Omigod! I got a peck on my lips last night!! I couldn't believe it. It's the first for I don't know how many months. H has been avoiding real intimacy like kissing, hugging or holding hands. ML is fine with him though. Unfortunately, I was asleep, and couldn't really respond. But I supposed if I did respond, he would probably be taken aback.
H actually went out before "THE PECK". He said that he needed to grab something to eat, and was off for about 1 1/2 hours. Wonder if he went out drinks with his lawyer friend (whom a little bird told me that wanted to give him a piece of his mind about straying into the DARK SIDE))...
Mmmm...don't know, will see...another 2 weeks to his self-imposed deadline of decision-making. Have received lots of support from my in-laws. They have mentioned that they want no contact with him should he choose the other way....
By the way, I have been pretty good with my DB'ing. I have kept calm and not ask any questions about where he is etc etc.
H gave me another peck on my lips to wish me good night last night!!!
The positive side of me thinks that he is leaning to this side of the fence. The negative side of me thinks that he is doing it because he is leaving soon, and for old times' sake?
H is going half way round the globe for work. He has mentioned previously that he will be using this "solitary time" to collect his thoughts and decide what he wants to do. So, after this trip, I will either end up with a H or without one. So, putting on my WAITING HAT....patience patience patience...
Not too sure if I did the right thing...but considering he will be "deciding" on this trip. I wrote him a letter and included the article "31 reasons to stop your affair" into his travelling bag. I know it is against DB'ing to "force" H to read stuff, but he did tell me that he wants to read the article, so, I am not really forcing. I know I know, it is still not the "right" DB'ing technique.
Anyways, didn't really say much in my letter. Told him that originally, I wanted to write a long and soppy letter but decided against it because he would be fed-up by the time he reached the middle of it, plus all that needs to be said, has been said and require no more words. Just told him that I love him, and just want him to be happy... But I did give a short statement that sounded like a lecture..I said " Why would you want to prove them RIGHT that you are a chip of the old block? Wouldn't it be more challenging to prove them WRONG?" (H's father had an affair and two kids from the affair. His parents' divorced)And I apologised for lecturing, and told him to take care.
Again...putting on my WAITING HAT to see what's his reactions to all this....patience GIRL...
Just got a call from my MIL. Apparently the OW wanted to send her flowers for her b'day which was 2 days ago. The b*t@h really wants to get into his family. *sigh* The positive is that my MIL told H that she would not accept the flowers, and she would get the dispatcher to take it back if the flowers came. H was not happy about that. And to think that H has been treating me rather nice for the last few days. What was he doing? Being intimate with me, and trying to get acceptance for the OW at the same time?????!!!
I don't know to be happy or sad that my in-laws are conforting me. My MIL said "Don't worry...if anything happens, I am sure you will find someone better than my son". That sounds like a sure goner.
As I said in my last post...he may be treating me nice because he's not ever going to again?
Geez...again, the nerve of the b*t@h!!! I know ! I need to vent!! Just got a call on my mobile from H....asking me to go and pay his mobile bill.....
